As a child i was always harrased and bullied by kids and elders. I never said anything. Never told anybody. Got beaten up by dad now and then for small mistakes. Wud fall sick all the time. Never had any interest in studies apart from drawing. Was sent to boarding school. got beaten up by teachers and class mates. Life was miserable at a point that i never even wanted to exist. Was child molested by a cousin. Was never actually loved by anyone i think. My elder sisters were always busy in themsel,f they were smart enough to change there thngs. I failed. They loved me but i was still niglected at a point where i was just lonely. It was terrible. Was it my mistake that i was too quiet and afraid of saying anything to anybody? Now when i am an adult i think about it n i feel sorry for myself. Was it really me who could have changed any of it?
First of all sorry for posting such a lenghty post i just have so much to tell n i havent done it ever before. So forgive me if i am taking too much of your time.
So in my last post i stated that i attempted ending my life, becoz of the person that i loved the most was asking me for what was more the just hurfull but also too damn insane for anybody i guess. But yes i did have to let it on her what she wants and so did she. This all started when she told me that she has started liking this other guy. I got all miserable and attempted suicide, there were other factors too joining the urge to end my life but the most influential was this. Anyways so after me saying okay she can do what she wants. she started hanging out with this guy (literally staying with him) and they had fun every single day, eating and drinking and sleeping together. Goining for movies and lunches and dinners together. They were having the days of their life while i was working my ass off for myself and my family to have any future by any means possible. Anyways so she use to tell me all her happy days with him and their life not even considering how it made me feel and with no empathy or remorse whatsoever and i use to listen to it and my heart would die every single moment. I felt being tortured but still i was hopefull that she would see me someday and understand what she was doing and stop. She use to tell me he use to hit her sometimes and they would fight for petty reasons and she use to give him my example of being kind hearted and being a gentleman and he would still not change, but still she would not leave him. She also told all this to her mother who is a single parent with 3 daughters, anyways her mother would also not say anything about this even when she knew me so well. It was all too intense for me i just didnt want to love and i was lost, but my inner voice would just not stop whispering how much i have loved her and still do. I felt trapped and heart broken and i was almost alone on the ship, my collegues would notice but couldnt help much. My health and mind would be low all the fucking time. I remember i lost almost 10pounds just in a month. I developed early signs of hypertension and later was dignosed with first stage hypertensive at the age of 22. She would continiously email me about how much she loves me but at the same time how much she loves being with the other guy. I remember her her telling me that they have great bed life, on phone. I mean how can a person do that to someone who loves you so much to an extent that they can do whatever it takes to keep the other person happy. Sometimes i felt like killing them both for doing this to me but most of the time ending myself. They were the most depressing days of my life and every day i would feel like i should end it and be free but my past attempt just kept on pulling me apart. Maybe it just how much i loved my family to let it happen kill myself and not realise. I remeber climbing on high structures of the ship and imagining letting go and smash on the deck n die or standing at the stern and imagining to jump above the propeller and just just die instantly or jump off the deck and drown or set fire etc etc.. I was not scared of the pain as such it was just the survival instinct i think.
I finished my contract and came back home. No matter how much pain she was causing me i still went ahead to meet her travelling from one end of the country to another. i stay in a hotel as i couldnt have them in sight together n on that her boyfriend would not like me staying with them, even i was glad i dont have to. The same day they had a fight and she comes to me saying that she miss me and he is not a good person and why cant he be like you, at that point i was just numb and i couldnt say a word. After a while she would leave the hotel and go back to her room and stay with him. I was full of disgust of what i was doing and i thought of ending it a million of times but i couldnt. How could i love her so mich to handle all this and still not give up. The night she came to me and told me that they had another fight n no matter how he is she still went ahead and slept in his arms to make him realise her worth and still he would have an argument, and left me again and went back to him. I remeber crying my eyes out the whole night. I mean it was just too much.
I met this guy the next day as he was in an emergency situation and i had to help. Later that day i packed my bags and went back home. This thing went on for a while till a day i told her that this is shit and i dont care any more she will have to choose and that i am just getting too damn hurt. After a day or so she tells me that she loves me more than him and she wants to be with me. I dont know i didnt have any feeling left till then i guess but i was happy that it will stop now. For a couple of months things went better she was still consoling him as i think he fell for her too. i felt bad for it but i was just too damn confused and miserable i think i had no feelings for him i guess but yes i felt bad. Things were getting better but it was just not the same, i mean how could they be after so much. I dont know from where and why we thought of getting married for things to get better and start fresh, it was so instant that i didnt even realise so soon we got married (without letting our parents know that is) we were too scared. Anyways things were actually getting better. I got another contract and soon i board my ship. Things were good for months.
Till i found out that she was still talking to him and they never actually broke up and were cheating throughout this whole time and the marriage was just a decorative thing. Woah that fucked my head up but m glad that this time it wasent sadness or depression but anger. As soon as my contract was finished i went home and filed a divorse. I told all of it to my family and to my surprise they were supportive more than ever. It took 18moths to get a divorse. M just glad it ended. Have been better than ever since. My hypertension continued for 2 years but i am off meds now since a year.
I am 26 years old, sailor by profession. I am a very shy and let alone type of a guy, had problems making friends as a child. As i grew up i became even more emotional and sensitive. People say i am smart but i dont feel like it, I think i am average. I think i am a kind and a good hearted person but i do get evil thoughts at times and i have to fight to get them out telling myself “those are bad thoughts”. Since my teenage days i have had suicidal thoughts. I have been in ” in love” situations a couple of times and those were a major factor in the thoughts i think. I did turn into this person who likes the easy way out even when it comes to life and death, but that doesnt mean i dont work hard. I am a sailor afterall. I have had thoughts of killing myself for years together but i never knew i wud really attempt one. It was 3 years ago i was on ship in spain. i call my girlfriend who i was in crazy love with for 2years and out of nowhere i get to know that she has started liking somebody ‘loves’ is what she said so i ask her why did that happend, we were doing so good and we were perfect. She says that she misses me and i am not available and that i am not there when she needs me the most and so she fell for this guy who makes her happy. She says she loves me but she just cannot handle it alone. I wud have left everything for her at that moment but it would still not change anything that has happend. So i ask her so now what, what do you want from this relationship. She says she loves me too much to let me go but she needs the other guy too because he makes her happy when i am not there, so she asks me to let her be with both of us. I was speechless at that point. I felt disgusted and dissapointed of what has it come to. I said no i cant do that, how could i just do that how would i handle that pain. I said no, i cant do this. She says she loves me n she cant live without me n she will go crazy if she loose me. I cut the call telling her i need time to think. I go back to my room sit on my bed and go back to every memory of us thinking of what i might have done wrong to let it come to this. I never left her alone even when i was on long journeys and long contracts i called her every chance i get, from every possible port no matter how expensive those were. I sat there like a dead person for hours thinking about millions of things at once. I couldnt do it, i couldnt see someone else sharing the person that i loved the most, a person i could not breath without. I was too damn hurt and broken. I called her n i said no but i cannot do it, please dont this to us we can get through this i will be back home soon, we can sit and see it through. She says she has thought it through and she is firm on her decision. So i say fine i cant do this i am sorry you be happy with whoever makes you happy. She says no i want you too i want both of you or else she will die. I cut the call and run back to my room. Crying is all that i can remember that night, i cudnt sleep i cudnt eat i cudnt think straight. Then comes the evil thoughts. It was way too easy to just give up, being on a ship its just too damn easy to just jump off n not swim. I remember it was winter season n the weather was pretty cold. I wrote a huge note to her and my family in an email, for how i feel and how thankful i am for everything they did for me and how much i love them but i cudnt send the note already so i send her the whole note asking her to send it to my family later. Hours pass by and for every second i thought i cud just jump and nobody would know for hours and i might be dead already before someone notices but the cold i didnt want to suffer so much. I knew about the fresh water tank that we had on the ship that we used for the WC. I thought of it as the best way of doing it plus it wud be room temperature. I think i was only person awake with a collegue who was on bridge night watch. I wore my slippers and went straight to the water tank, opened the hatch sat there for a while thought about so many things my mind was just full of thoughts and negativity, i decide to go in the tank. I remeber the water was cold and i can still feel it sometimes. It was a double bottom tank n i stay submurged in the upper tank for some seconds and i realise i can come out of the tank easily when i get scared so i decided to go deeper in the bottom tank for really be able to die. I remeber how scared and terrified i was of what wud happen next so i was still holding on to my breath, i went to the deppest corner of the tank and lock myself down in a corner. More than 30seconds have passed and i was still not drowning because i had not let go of my breath and so i decide to open my mouth and let go. I was so scared and afraid but i did it anyways. It was terrifying, the way i started swallowing water and the sound of it and the way my body started gulping down the water. They were the most terrifying moments of my life, like the time had frozen and i was in so much pain but i knew it would end soon because technically i had been there for quite some time now And my body won’t take much longer. on the other side my mind couldnt stop thinking about the people i love. I remember closing my eyes and starting to fall asleep. I remeber seeing my lil niece and my family and i see them crying, it was like a nightmare and it made me feel so sad like i wanted to hold them and tell them how sorry i am. I dont know what exactly happened but i open my eyes and i realise i am still not dead and i can actually hold them again if i want. I thought of all the things they would go through after i am dead and it scared the shit out of me. I remember paddling with my hands and legs as fast and as strong as i could and i gave a strong push on the bottom of the tank to lift myself up, i was weak but i gave it all i had and pulled myself from the bottom and made my way through to the top. I remember seeing the hatch opening and continuously paddling till my head was out of the water. I remember taking a deep and painfull breath as soon as i was out of the water n puking all the water out. I can never forget these 60-90 seconds or more that i was in the water trying to give up my life. It was horrible and was so painfull. It was just so sad and miserable whatever i felt that day down there. I still get chills thinking about it even today. Ayways, So i came out and i sat there for a while trying to breath properly and after a while i get up and go to my room hiding myself from my collegue. I go into the shower and stand there in the shower for almost half hour. I go out and call my mother and i talk to her but i could never tell her what has happened. I call my girlfriend and tell her what i did and to my surprise she gets mad at me for doing that and tells me i would never understand her until n unless i loose her and what importance she should have in my life. I still remember her saying that she would still not change her decision and i can decide what i want, i guess she never understood what i was going through. I say fine she can do whatever she wants n she be happy, i know this might sound stupid but i think i did love her to that extend to let have an affair with another man but i had a hope that she would soon understand what she was doing and stop, months pass by she would still not understand. I get relieved from the ship and go home. as soon as i reach home i go to her to talk about everything. She feels bad and she promises to change and stop whatever she was doing. We were doing good again n we end up getting married without telling our parents that is. We spend amazing time together and forget of whatever has happened and make peace with what we have. soon I get another contract and i fly off to my ship, days pass by and i see some unknown phone number being paid for by my account. I inquire about the number just to know that it was the number of the same person she had an affair with and just to my realisation i was just being cheated upon. I should have never trusted her after what happened in spain and now I could not believe what i got myself into but it was enough. As soon as i finish my contract i file for a divorce. I tell everything except the suicide attempt to my family n i was blessed with their support. It took 18months just to get a divorce but it seems better than ever since. I spend most of my time with my family now and we have never been as close as we are now, i have a cute and most amazing girlfriend who i cannot stop talking about. Bought a new house. Things have changed so much from inside out. So much i learnt so much i went through and so much i achieved. It all started from the moment i came out of the water, being strong at that moment changed my life. I feel really bad for the people who go through similar situations and they attempt suiside and dont fight enough to get back up and die. Its a sad death n i feel bad. I hope my short share helps somebody. I ll feel blessed if someone reads this and decide to give life one more chance.