The thoughts come at night. I mean, they are there all the time lately, somewhere close to the surface. At night they get strong. Distractions stop working, the images take over, take a hold and will not let go. My whole being rearranges itself around them, my new core, my only thought. Cutcutcut. Escape. I know it will not solve anything. I know the guilt, shame and pain it would cause. And yet, the urge is so strong. I need it. I cannot go on, i cannot keep forcing my lungs to breathe without it. I cannot stand existence. I know it will not help. […]
Ive been having lots of dreams lately. Theyre sometimes strange, sometimes painful. (Btw whoever said you cant feel physical pain in a dream was talking absolute bullshit.) Anyways, most of the dreams are not nice, some of them nightmares. Still, whenever I wake up I feel some regret. Even though the dreams may not have been enjoyable, they usually make me feel more than ‘reality’. Is it weird to feel more awake while dreaming?
I’m so done with trying to work on myself. I can’t hold onto a clear thought in my head, it’s all caos and fog and this feeling: I’m done reflecting, I’m done reappraising, I’m done fighting to stay at the surface when the struggle uses up all the air I get anyways. I’m ready to drown. I’m ready to sink to the ground, forget everything, and finally – finally – have a moment of peace.