It is nearing the end of the semester for me, and I have no motivation left. I know what you’re thinking “No one does.” But it isn’t just the usual dragging my ass to the library or late night studies from procrastination. It is the refusal to do anything….some days I won’t get out of bed, even if I’m hungry. Some days I force myself to go to the library to write papers but I get distracted and do nothing. I cannot make myself do anything anymore…I have assignment building, bills piling, dishes not done, laundry soiled, and quizzes untaken. It feels like my life is in shambles but I just can’t force myself to be better….
it doesn’t help that I base 90% of my self-worth off my grades in the first places. Because I am unwilling to do the work, my grades are falling, which in turn makes me feel stupid, which destroys me even further. I feel like I have nothing else left….the only friend I have isn’t really a friend. I’ve tried calling her when I’m trying to commit suicide just for someone to talk to me, but she never answers. She’s finally picking up the idea that I’m not okay, but I’m past the point of giving out my sob story. I don’t want to make myself vulnerable to someone who doesn’t care enough to pick up the phone when I’m clutching a bottle of pills…It feels like no one cares if I were to die. And that hurts me even further. I dunno….I just feel alone, isolated, abandoned, stupid, miserable, inadequate, and useless to the rest of the rest of the human population.
I am struggling so hard in my classes I’ve really given it thought to drop out. But if I do, I don’t feel like I would go back and it would also eat at me that I was a failure to myself and my family. I feel like I am the catalyst for my suffering, but I just don’t know how to make it all end without leaving this world behind….