Pfft, the last post I made was a lie. I said I’ve ‘hit my lowest point’ but that’s more like now or the near future. I tried to literally run away from my problems, and I was naÃ¯ve to think it would help anything. I got 57 miles on foot before a cop started questioning me, and he eventually arrested me (since running away where I live illegal). That’s the only reason I’m still in this tiny little hellhole of mine where as much as the people around me may have good intentions, I can’t take it. I’d run away again, even though as I said before, that is a very naÃ¯ve decision, but I can’t. If I try and they catch me again, I’ll go to a state home, where I won’t see my family or my friends again for years. And then there’s the part where after my dad tried to cut communication off from me and my girlfriend (he threatened to call the cops on her since it’s a long distance relationship and he thinks she’s some pedo) And she’s been the only one I’ve wanted to talk to. That’s another problem. I’ve become a selfish imbicile. My dad said if I said one more word to her he’d call the cops and she’d go to prison. Which means that I have the rest of my best friend and girlfriend’s life in my hands. And yet I continue to talk to her. She always makes me feel better, and the thought of getting her in prison is heartwrenching. But in all, I’m miserable. I’m honestly trying to decide whether I should kill myself. I haven’t heard from my girl in 2 weeks, so if I just told her I love her, and then killed myself, who cares? I’d be away from this awful place. All the fucking “tough love”, the stress of not being with my girl, my family’s past. (if you read the other posts I made I tell all about that) But all this shit is driving me literally insane to the point where I wonder things like “Do other people really exist or are they just tormenting my mind?” or “Why am I here? Why’ve I been put through such a tough challenge already when I’m not even 20 yet?” I know I’ve got what is possibly a wonderful, long life ahead of me, which is why I’m still deciding. If you’re reading this huge block of text then tell me, if you’ve cared enough to read all this, what do you think I should do? Don’t give me all the stuff I already realize like “please don’t kill yourself, people love you!” because I already know that, give me the pros and cons of suicide/staying alive. If you can. Please.
Ugh, God. The past few months have been hell, even with all of the nice comments people’ve put on my posts. I’m stressed out beyond belief, I haven’t slept in 3 days, literally. I haven’t eaten in… fuck, I can’t remember the last time I ate. My dad’s threatened to punch me in the face multiple times, he’s yelled and screamed at me, telling me I’m not good enough. My grades, as hard as I’ve tried, have plummeted. From A’s and B’s last year, to C’s, D’s, and a few F’s. My girlfriend is possibly going to prison, and I could go too. My best friend was diagnosed with ‘neurologically disturbed psychosis schizophrenia’ so as much as I love ’em, the advice I get from them isn’t exactly reliable. I’m just in what seems like hell. I’d love to kill myself, to end all my misery, but even though it seems so wonderful there are things I want to do with my life. A very small few at that. I’d love to run away, but the one and only place I want to go is a literal ‘journey of a thousand miles’ plus about 300 more. Just please, if you’re reading this, please help ease a little of my pain and loneliness and comment or something. I don’t care what you put, but please just write something and make my day a little bit better. Please.
As hard as I tried to convince my dad that the woman I love so much isn’t some pedophile, he still wouldn’t believe me. He wouldn’t let me explain all of what I had to say. Here’s what my dad threatened to do. “If you send so much as one more message to her, I will send your psp, your phone, your mother’s laptop, your stepdad’s laptop, and my laptop into the police as evidence against that disgusting pedo so that the police will track their location down and arrest them. I am NOT F****** kidding, I will send you to juvy too if you try to contact her again, for your own f****** good.” I have sent another message to her, telling her if she contacts me again we’ll be arrested, and for those of you that are thinking that there’s no way I could go to juvy and my girlfriend to prison, we both can. It wasn’t the best idea, I definitely admit that, but we did email certain ‘explicit’ things to each other… My dad found that, and even if the woman I love so much really is a 17 year old who lives in California, she’ll be tried as an adult and if my dad finds out I sent another message to her, I WILL go to juvy. My best friend, my girlfriend, the one who’s been there for me, WILL go to prison where she could be beaten, raped, even killed, and I’d die inside even more than I have already if anything happened to her. I almost attempted suicide, but I stopped because I know that my girlfriend would have a heart attack if she found out I killed myself. So, I’ve been considering the idea of running away. I could travel the world, I could go see my girlfriend, I’d have freedom, I could get a job and make some money so I could buy myself a place to live away from my family where I’m miserable. That’s basically the whole reason why I’m writing this huge block of text because I don’t know whether I should stay in this fricking hellhole where I probably will eventually commit suicide, or if I should go stay with a friend for a few weeks, pack up my stuff, and leave the state for as long as possible.
Alright, I know this is more of a suicidal story site, but I was thinking and I almost attempted suicide, so I guess it sorta counts.
When I was about 3, my mom and my dad were constantly fighting. My mom was sleeping with other men, after she was married to my dad, to try to get rid of him. She apparently hated my dad, and wanted absolutely nothing to do with him. She was on several drugs, (and according to my grandmother so was my dad but before I was born) and she had all sorts of health problems, one night she even passed out in the bathtub while the water was running and it flooded the entire apartment, including the downstairs one where the landlord was. My dad, while dealing with all these problems, went to a 7-11 to get a pack of smokes, but when he was walking back to the car, a mugger punched him in the side of his head 6 times because my dad kept getting back up, but the mugger chickened out and ran. My dad woke up from his trauma but he had amnesia, he couldn’t remember anything, not even his own name. Some people had called the paramedics and when they came they treated him accordingly and they told my dad who he was. He still didn’t remember me, or my mom, but since his address was on his driver’s license he headed home and confronted my mom. She was all out on drugs, and when he told her what happened she didn’t believe any of it, so she filed claims that my dad was an abusive man, hurting me and her (of course he wasn’t but my mom apparently had some ‘evidence’ against him). My dad then moved to Arkansas and stayed with his grandmother, so I was without a father for about 4 years of my life. After a while he came back since he earned some money. He rented a place in the same city as my mom and he eventually, somehow managed to start seeing me again. By this point my mom was almost finished with rehab, but she still had a very strong disliking for my dad. They tried to be with each other for my sake, but it still didn’t work and they started fighting again. They filed for divorce and since then have both remarried. At this point I was about 11, and I had two step parents. I had a pretty nice stepdad, and my stepmom seemed nice at the time. But now, the seemingly nice stepmom has yelled at me, and has punished me for doing things I haven’t. (I know I seem completely immature with the whole ‘punishment’ thing, but I’m miserable for another reason) I stay at my mom’s a week, and then I switch over to my dad’s for a week. When I’m at my dad’s it’s a fricking nightmare to me. My dad has said to me, and I quote, “You’re f****** lazy, you need to pull your f****** head out of your godd*** a**, and do some f****** work!” becuase in my school work, I had a D in algebra. I had A’s and B’s in ALL of my other classes, but in algebra I got a D. He’s probably right, I should “pull my head out of my a** and do some work,” and I have been. I’ve gone into my math teacher’s room at 7:00 in the morning to do extra school work to make up my grades, I’ve done tutoring, I spend 6 hours a day studying, trying to get my math grade up, but I still don’t understand it and I can’t get the grade up any higher now (it’s the end of second quarter and the deadline for making up tests was two days ago). And again, I still seem pretty immature about it, my dad takes away my phone, what a big whoop. But he is yelling at me, he threatened to punch me in the face once. He has made me cry at least 10 times (maybe I’m just a crybaby) but he’s terrifying to me. I’m trying as hard as I can and he’s still yelling at me. But here’s the big part. In May 2012, I got bored and decided to go into some chatroom to see how many people would IM me in 10 minutes, but by the end of it I was stupid and I asked some girl if she’d be my girlfriend. Not to mention that I’m a lesbian, my dad flipped out about that too. But at any rate, the girl I asked is the girl I asked, not some pedophile and I have proof. A few weeks ago, on September 27th, it was like 8:00 in the morning and I had decided to check my emails to see if my girlfriend had sent me anything. I accidentally left my gmail account open, and while I was at school, my dad was on the computer, looking through my emails. He freaked out, really bad. When I walked home from school, he told me to go into my room and he started talking to me. He started all nice about it at first, but then he got really serious. Now, before I go any further, you should know that I’ve managed to stay with my girlfriend for almost 7 months, and I love her more than anybody. For those of you that are reading this, you can go right ahead and say whatever you want about two women in a relationship together. You may like the idea, hate it, whatever. But I love this girl, more than life itself and I’ve told her that more times than I can count. I’d do anything for her, and she knows everything about my parents. She’s been there when I needed her, and vice versa.