My favorite thing in the world is being there for someone like us. I am 17, a junior in HS, and I have 7 MS girls who are just like me. Cutters, suicidals. I can only help so much. Today, to get one to stop, I put my blade to my arm, on a line I have thinned out from my elbow to wrist, just in case I ever need to do it. It’s a pain to watch them worry, but a relief to watch them stop. I’ve gone back to cutting, though. What gives me the right to stop others when I can’t stop myself? Some say that the 4 years clean gives me a right to a little relief, but I can’t help feel guilty. I guess I just have to wait and see.
When he found out I was cutting, he tried not to help the urge. Then he used it as a threat. He then got scared if others found out. Now he’s back to yelling, pushing me to cut or commit. I wish I could. The worst I can so is cut. I can’t commit. I am able too. I do not fear Death. But milady said to not disappear. So, I will pursue some hope in this pit of Hell.
I made a promise to never disappear and bring sadness. So, before I can disappear I have to ask people close to me if I can, if I’m still needed. If only one says yes to if I can disappear, then I will. 4 of 5 said I can’t. One will not answer me, thanks to that asshole who ruins my life. So, I must stay. Until I am no longer needed. We will see on Monday.
Everyone wonders if there is a way to make suicide:
like an accident
There is an 8 ingredient injection that I have found, bit 5 ingredients are near impossible to get. so now you know. Don’t ask me to make it or how to make it. I won’t tell.
Theres an asshole in my school that’s pushing buttons that he shouldn’t push. First, he jokes about Death, asking one of my closest friends if she wants to die and trying to convince her that she wants too. Then he starts insulting cutters, when one of his friends and many of my friends cut. None he says that the stage is where I dahlias be, not answering a call that informs me that my friend has gone back into a coma. The ONLY thing saving this ass kisser is that the show is next Friday and Saturday.
Then, we will fight. My background makes most boys cringe. My fighting ability is decent. We will see how well he fares.
I have many names.
Shadowknite to you,
Earthknite to others,
No One, Nobody, Nothing to those say I will remember or stop them.
I am known as Jacob. That is my name. I am No One, and I will remember you.
Normally I would’ve put my poem here, but it’s too hard not believe it. Everything is collapsing. My friends are gone. My music is fading out. My happiness, which is my friends happiness, is slowly disappearing. I guess now it’s my turn. It’s been a long road. It’s been painful. How am I supposed to stay with all this pain pushing me down?
So, it’s back. 8 yrs of pain. 4 years clean. 389 or something cuts. More are being added. It’s back. And it’s prolly gonna stay for equity a while.
Why? I had 6 people to go to.
1. Samantha. She is too busy with her life to bother with a cutters issues.
2. Rachael. She hardens me because a douchbag (the one that causes painful reminders) spread stuff around, and made her believe i am a liar.
3. Jessica. Hardly see her, and she’s too worn out to even notice my presence.
4. Brody. I see him in the day. But once schools out. . .
5. Josh. He has begun to cut. no reason to give him more issues.
6. Alexi. She doesn’t even see me anymore. I’m invisible. Maybe I shouldÂ disappear.
For every broken Angel of Darkness, there is a Knight of Shadows, who have the same or similar pain. Sometimes they don’t. The Knights are supposed to protect the Angel from others and themselves. They can’t all the time, but they still try.
A problem with being a Knight, like me, is that we are so busy protecting our Angels, that we don’t protect ourselves. We don’t have Knighta to rely on, so we slowly fall apart. Sometimes the Angel is the Knight. I do not have a personal Angel, and my Knight barely looks at me anymore. I guess my job is done, but it doesn’t feel like it.
Maybe I’ll find another Angel. Maybe a Knight will save me just in time.
About 9 years ago, in my 4th grade year, I had a friend named Alexia Starlit. She was two years older than me, oldster sister of one of my closest friends, and my closest friend at the time. Pretty much a sister. My parents had met her and her sister, Nehoan, but don’t even remember either. They don’t even know this story.
There is this thing where so lived, a selection of sorts for the 4 local gangs. They’d come, watch us fight to the near death, and would claim is before we reached middle school. Alexia didn’t want me participating. We argued about it, and she stabbed me in the thigh, and shoved me into a closet. When I got out, the selection was over, and Alexia was gone. I was furious.
Being a newly aged 9 yr old, I opened my mouth about why I wasn’t there. I toldÂ everybody about it. So, a couple of guys from one of the gangs took it upon themselves to “teach her a lesson”. I got a phone call from Aether, Nehoan’s adopted sister, and my friend. Thankfully I was at a friends house, and they took me to the hospital.
Before I could say anything, she told me “A cut for a cut, a life for a life, even if I die, you must live your life. Swear to me now, as I die, that you will never say goodbye,”
i swore begging her Â to stay. She left. I had killed an Angel. And so, I can’t take my promise. I cant take back the hurt. I tried my first suicide attempt. Aether threatened to go through all nine rings of Hell, slap Satan and Death around, and drag me back so she can choose my fate, Capitorian said she would cry, which in itself would be a miracle and a half thousand. Nehoan said “You are all I have left. If you go then I will soon follow.”
so I remain in this Hellhole of a world, to help others. Especially ones like me.
So, I found an amazing video with the Cutter’s Lullaby, and on it were some pictures for people like me. My sis made me angry, and I threw my phone at her. She picked it up, and it had frozen on a pic of the word “Disappear . . . ” and a bunch of blades around it and some blood stains. She said “that’s perfect for you. You should disappear and make everyone’s lives better.” So yeah, it’s my home page background. If my parents ask, I can say “(sistername) said it was perfect, so I kept it.” though they won’t find out. they’ll accuse me of cutting. Not that I haven’t thought about returning to it.
So, it’s the end of a terrible spring break. Last week, a kid in my class began making fun of Death, like it was something casual. He asked my closest friend if she “wanted to die”. She of course replied no, but he replied with “I think you’re lying”. I told him not to joke around about Death, cuz some people have bad memories with it. He flipped out on me, saying it was natural and nothing can stop it. Now, he had heard about my friend, and how she died in front of me, thanks to me, but he obviously didn’t care. It’s hard to make me break down. With the shit I’ve lived with, it’s hard. I let three tears slip out, and left the room (screwing myself on the pre calc). After that class, he came up to me at musical practice and started being that “I’m gonna be nice for now until this is all over”. Now he’s insulting me across the Internet. I just want to end it all. But if I go, then several will go with me. I don’t know what to do anymore. I was hoping to make it to Monday, when I’ll have some help, but this pain is too much to hold in anymore.