The worst part of my situation, engulfing emotional pain from loss of love (and I am just below 40, not a teenager), is that I find no consolation. I guess I’ve most often been an agnostic concerning most things both religious, esoteric, “supernatural”, etc. So many days and sleepless nights I have prayed to, like I think Diem S Sky said, a “nameless entity” for something. To a god or goddess, dead family or forefathers, angels, demons, spirits, just *anyone* or *anything* that might have heard me. And I’ve felt nothing. I’ve asked for so many things. I know there are only three options for me:
1) My love gives me/us one more chance (and oh I will make the best of it!)
2) a miracle of which I am unaware right now could make me feel human again, like my soul is not torn out
3) the final sleep, self-induced
Number 1 would of course itself be a miracle, and the option I prefer. But neither 1 or 2 seems likely to happen. It leaves me to opt out eventually.
I’ve prayed to these nameless entities which I hopes listening, about getting another chance and seriously asked for forgivness for my mistandes and offered an honest will to change aspects of who I am for the better. I’ve prayed for strength to get through all of this. I’ve prayed for just a little calm and peace in my soul, heart and head, if only for a short while, so that I could get one nights full sleep. I’ve prayed for a painless death during sleep, so as not to wake up again to yet another empty day. I’ve prayed for, if I cant die during sleep, for courage to ens my own life. I’ve prayed for the pain to go away – either by just making me stop loving her or by forgetting our years entirely. Not one second have I been answered as I’ve felt. For three months now life has been a living torment. It is as though life itself is a torturer, punishing me for my mistakes enslessly. I am saying to the torturer:
“Please end the pain, I give up, I am changed, I am sorry, I *do* understand and will not be an idiot again if I can help it! Just stop the pain!”
But the torturer doesnt listen, doesnt believe me, or doesnt care. He/she continually grips harder around my heart with icy claws as if asking, smirking:
“Oh really now…? really??”
… and grips harder and harder no matter what I say. It is nothing I can say or do to please this torturer to make him/her stop the torturing. He/she will settle for nothing intill I opt out.
Not one second during my prayers have I felt any consolation, wamth, calm, solace, strength, support. Just nothing. It really does feel empty when you do have a will to change and be better and make things better. It does feel empty when you in desperation, in the darkest period of your life, grasp out for something… something “supernatural” because you know it is the only thing that can help you, and you feel just Nothing.
I do not want to die. I want to feel good again. And I cant without her. I just cant, no matter how I try. I suppose she can taste my desperation and that doesnt help.
I do not want to die, I just want extreme emotional pain to end. But since it seems it will not go away by other means than death, I am starting to have no choice. I can not live like this, pain is starting to become my natural state of being, and that is not a life. For three months I have not felt a single happy emotion. Not one. It is all sorrow, pain, longing, regret, remorse, hopelessness, emptiness, despair, fear, anguish, self-loathing. It is not healthy of course. I am constantly ruminating on a hopeless situation and I can not stop. Even the few minutes at night when I try to sleep and try so hard to think about other things, my heart pounds so hard that after only seconds or at best a minute or two, I am back to ruminating on what has happened, how it can be fixed (it cant, by less than a miracle).
I am starting to worry about my mental health in the long run. Of course I am permanently damaged by this emotionally. Of that there is no doubt. But if I by one of the miracles get through this, I am worrying that also my psychological health, my mind, will be permanently damaged by the constantly pain, ruminating and lack of sleep.
Oh “universe”, whoever listens and may still have some warm feelings for me… help me. Just… anything. A nights sleep. A minute of joy. Just… anything. Anything.