Each morning I’m disappointed to find that I’m still here. Each day brings such great burden. At the end of the day I have no reward for going through it. I fit the criteria for high functioning autism. I look normal so its an invisible disability. At least I now have a reason for always being unable to make conversation and not fitting in. It feels as if I was not made to communicate. When I try, my attention span runs out on me, and I have to struggle to find something to make the conversation continue. These problems are present with everyone I try to interact with. Furthermore I have coordination difficulties from my autism. So I have to concentrate hard to just walk straight, and I’m clumsy.
I’m also unable to form relationships and friendships. If I form a friendship it will be too much effort to maintain: I’ll have to keep on saying something and its too much effort. I also feel very shy and embarassed easily. I believe I am incapable of love as a result of my condition. So at least thats an excuse for never having a relationship. However when I see all the others my age involved in relationships I feel a hurt inside. All my life I’ve tried to fit in so my differences would go unnoticed but thats something I cant fake. I’ve just completed college. I don’t want to struggle working each day, wondering why and returning to a life of loneliness. I’d prefer an exit from this life but I’m uncertain. Everyday my mind tells me this is not worth it, yet I continue.