I still see him.
A couple of months have passed, since he was gone. Couple of months since I’ve heard the tormenting sounds of despair from people who were very close to him. The wounds of memories and regrets are still fresh. And I don’t think they’re ever gonna heal either. I tried to let go of the memories, the moments we shared together as family, the laughs, the jokes we made together, how we tease each other, how we helped each other. I tried to let go of him. Tried. But I became tired. It seems like no matter how I tried to let go,
He just wouldn’t let go of me.
At first it didn’t bother me that much, how my family members constantly felt that he was just around us. The disappearings and suddenly appearing of things related to him at our house. The strong scent of his cologne we smell sometimes in his room. It’s seems like it’s normal for someone to experience it in that way. I thought I could live that way. But it turns out, everything seems to be worse.
I didn’t believe at ghosts. They didn’t seem to be believable. When you die, you just don’t exist anymore. From this world at least. You’re just gone. I chose to believe science and facts more rather than supernatural happenings. It’s quite more acceptable.
But then something made me change my mind.
It wasn’t long until.. I started seeing him.
At first it was just the smell, the sounds I still hear from his footsteps in the house. But I saw it’s normal for you to put those memories of that person into reality. That sometimes, your brain makes this scene where you hear the familiar sounds of his footsteps, how the sound of his plate makes when he eats, those are normal.
But then I started seeing things, started dreaming also.
One time when I was walking in the streets.. crowded place, lots of noises, it was a busy day for everyone and while I was walking quietly, someone familiar flashed before my eyes, people kept walking but then in the middle of that place I just stopped. When I saw a very familiar face in one of those crowds. And it took me a long time to process everything that was running on my mind that time.
It was him.
He was laughing while talking to someone I don’t know. He had his typical shy smile that we always see when he was still around. I kept looking at him, it was like a scene from a damn movie. Everything was so slow at that time and the only one that I could see was him. My feet couldn’t move, almost as if they were frozen or glued to the ground. I wanted to run after him but I just stood there. Don’t know what should I do.
Do I run or do I let it be?
But then the moment that I blinked, was the exact moment he disappeared. Everything was noisy and the world around me started moving once again. Almost if like nothing happened. I hated it. But then I couldn’t stop thinking about it the whole day. My head was way up the clouds that time but in the end I figured that maybe it was just an illusion that I made, that my subconscious made.
That it wasn’t real. It was never real.
But then it happened again.
I almost had no sleep for the past few weeks. It started bothering me. It haunted me. It was like, everywhere I go, he was there. Watching me. I should be happy, that he was there. That he’s not entirely gone. But then it was different, it wasn’t happiness that I felt. It was a strong feeling of guilt and regret. Maybe because I was too late trying to help him. And he’s gone.
And now he’s here again.
I started feeling down, I started drowning again. I couldn’t take it. I always see him in the house. In the corner of my eye he was there, standing. But when I quickly glanced at it, it wasn’t there anymore.
I wanted to speak to him again. I wanted to hug him.
But then when things got worse, I figured something else was up.
That it wasn’t him.
It was my sins that kept coming back to haunt me everyday. It was the price I had to pay for doing something that I shouldn’t have done. It kept pulling me down and down. Until I completely drown.
And I think it’s never gonna stop. I want it to stop. Make it stop.