every day I sit in my room and I cry and I cry and I cry and I cry and I cry cry cry
this is never going to end
ill never be okay
I owe my life to you
you’ve helped me grow.
you kept me safe
on my darkest days, you were my light.
the last time I thought about taking my last breath, you were the one thing on my mind. I’ve always been vengeful, I’ve always wanted to see you suffer like you watched me – and I knew taking away something you cared about would hurt you more than anything.
two birds, one stone.
if I kill myself, it would kill you too.
but watching you smile –
hearing you breathe
makes me never want to leave.
you’re a silly excuse to stay, but you’re worth it in every single way.
everyday I plan a new escape route. This window, or that rope? This blade, or the bathtub, maybe? It scares the living shit out of me but it’s the only thing I’m 100% certain about. Death is the only thing that I feel is real. Death is the only thing I can relate too. Death is the only thing I see in my future. It’s the one thing I know I can do, it’s the one thing I know I won’t fuck up. People tell me every day that I’m selfish for wanting to end my life. but it’s pretty fucking selfish to force somebody to stay somewhere to make other people happy. it’s pretty fucking selfish to make something as delicate and serious as suicide all about the people who will miss the person wanting to leave. I’m not asking anyone to mourn, and I’m not asking for permission either.
I’ve tried a few times, and every time I woke up from my failed miserable attempts I would have somebody in my ear.
“you’re so much better than this. everyone is here for you. we love you. please don’t do this. nobody would know what to do without you. ”
its all bullshit. and I refuse to be a part of it anymore.
people talk about how much drive and determination I have and this is the sole thing I am determined to do.
the pills I take deflect the pain. but it’s only temporarily. the darkness creeps back in eventually. it’s causing me agony.
the withdrawals are so bad
nobody takes me seriously.
when I cry for help, it’s just for a hug. I don’t want your pity, I want your warmth.
the pills saved my life you fucks – they maybe the reason my life ends soon but
they did more for me than any person can
every single time someone looked me in the eyes and asked me why I couldn’t do it, I would tell them it was because of you. I couldn’t imagine putting you through that. I never wanted you to have to worry about me. I was suppose to take care of you, I was suppose to be the one burying you, in many, many years. but here I am, the rope already tied. I’m going to use the chair I’m sitting on, it’s from the kitchen table I hope you don’t mind.
don’t blame yourself because you did everything you could. and please don’t mourn because we know I don’t deserve it. I know you said it was selfish, and I know you may hate me for awhile, but know I love you with all my heart. and every single time you look in to the sky, I’ll be looking down on you. I’ll never stop protecting you.
I tried so hard, and I fought for so long but the demons won.
tell daddy to be strong
ill tell grandma you say hi.
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