Hey. For starters, I’m 18. As soon as I turned 18 I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. It’s the youngest you can be with this diagnosis. I grew up in a stable house hold, with stable parents, and 2 stable older brothers. Where the hell I came from is beyond me. From an early age I showed signs of isolation and poor self esteem. In the 6th grade I wrote a letter regarding how depressed I was to my teacher. No action was taken.
Even as I type this, I feel no attachment to my past. I feel no connection to the daily self harm that consumed (and continues to influence me) for years. I hardly remember my times in the psych hospitals, times that I was forced to drop out of high school temporarily for overdosing on blood pressure medication. Being doped up on psych meds like it aint no thang.
Now when I say I feel no attachment to this, I wish I could say it was a positive thing to say. That I am so happy with my life now that I have completely forgotten what it was like to be suicidal, to hate myself and this existence.
No, in fact, what I am saying is, I go in and out of feeling like one goes in and out of a swimming pool. One minute I’m screaming that I’m done with this world and I hate not being normal. Slamming the door only to throw myself onto my bed. I’m so paranoid of attachment. And then there’s the times where I stare at the wall. No thoughts pass through my mind, let alone emotion. I don’t give a fuck.I don’t care about anyone but my own self protection from others that ruins my relationships with everyone around me. I feel like a void upon this earth. A black hole sucking up oxygen that has better uses than filling my lungs. And sometimes it’s worse. I have disassociation episodes where I see black spots in my vision and my eyelids ache and my mind shuts down completely. But when I bounce back from it, it’s like it never happened.
I hate the fact that a fucked up being like me exists. I wish I had never been born, been thrust into this world, a person who doesn’t belong here. I’m a university drop out, a failure in the eyes of many as I bounce back and forth between jobs and living situations. I have one stable friendship. My parents hate the pain I cause them everyday with my selfish, self preserving nature. I hope I get hit by a bus.
But hey. Like I tell everyone.