I am stuck. I was recently dignosed with moderate borderline severe emphysema. To a regular person this is a wake-up and they would adjust their lifestyle to live longer. Me on the other hand I’m looking 3-5 depending on how much I smoke and how little I exercise. My current junction the last option I currently want. It’s the way I have felt for 15 years. I am also dignosed bipolar that is untreated and even treated I find it hard to find happiness in my life. My catch is right now no one relies on me. What if in that 3-5 years circumstances change. Then I’m stuck with an even worse situation. I mean last 15 it hasn’t changed. If anything it has become worse. I really don’t have anyone to talk to about this. The one semi friend I spoke to I just threw out there I’m not changing my lifestyle and taking the punches that come with it. He calls it selfish. To me forcing someone to live a life that has never made them happy to keep those you cross paths with happy is selfish.
It’s when you’re 35 years old attempted suicide more attempts than you would admit too but just recently get told you going to die from emphysema instead…..
I sit here wanting life to end, in someone else’s eyes my life is perfect. I could have what I want out of life and I’ve conquered so much also. I should be happy but am not. I live my life as a routine with moments of enjoyment. It doesn’t seem worth it to me. Not my life doesn’t have worth to live it but in the context of everyday I wake up and don’t know why I do it. There is no reason for me to be doing anything. Just that I am doing. Family and friends are just normal people to me. Just another ant in a maze. How can I be sorry if they are gone if I have no real appreciation they are here. I can be as society but I am nothing like them. I’m nothing like those are reading this right now. I am unique not by individuality but I am evolutionarily different. I’m not from earth.
This life I can’t get ahead spiritually. Like most of us we are working 40+ hours weekly for an employer that doesn’t focus on personal growth but only on their business growth and ethics. Doing this grind we are incapable of doing our spiritual and personal growing. Everyone is getting depressed and our fix is expensive medications that they make us buy or struggle to afford………We need to get out of this grind. We need more personal growth but our world…doesn’t allow this. Capitalism is killing me.
Sometimes suicide feels like the only option. I’ve been an unmedicated bipolar for 5 years now because my insurance sucks and I can’t afford it. My insurance has a 5000 dollar deductible on mental. Now I’m at my breaking point I need relief I can’t be strong anymore. If I check into the hospital I go back to being jobless. I make too much for assistance and not enough to live on if I pay for it out of pocket. I’m so tired of fighting this battle. I’m tired of being mind broken. People care about me but don’t care about my struggle to just be productive. I just want it to end….
When I think about suicide. I’m thinking greener grasses and about a better life not about death. I’m bad at this life but in my beliefs I will have another after I die. I celebrate death for this reason. Suicide is just an exit door not a bad thing. Life is energy and can never be destroyed.
I don’t think all people have a purpose. I even think some people will be stepped on and overlooked through the entirety of their life. Not everyone can have a fairy tale life or like in the movies. It makes those people more miserable seeing people have things fall in place for them while they struggle so much. I just don’t get why assisted suicide isn’t a thing. I mean they would rather have abortions in hospitals than in their home or on the street. They both are deaths of a human being. Let suicide happen in hospitals where people can say goodbye.
I hate the feeling I’m never living up to my full potential. My search for my gift haunts me. I excel in everything I do but at the end feeling unsuccessful, wanting more. What is my gift already, I should be more.
I feel like I’m sorry all the time for some reason I don’t know. Just incase i did it to you I’m sorry.
Suicide is an addiction. Once you’ve done it. It is always in the back of your mind. Everyday it is another option you can put on a to do list. As if you quit smoking and crave it everyday but you just don’t fire one up even if you desire it so much.
Broken and empty. Only a book of memories and no life prospects. Fake smiles and a fake laugh that doesn’t even fool the deaf or blind. Through the motions of grainy and redundant. Isolation fills my heart and my life is unkind. I cease to exist not to take my own light. If depression sets in it is an option, I might.
I was just delt a bad hand where everything is a struggle for me. I just don’t see the good in life. I trained myself cognitive behaviors and programmed myself to continue to thrive to be productive against my own negative thinking. I have excelled in going outside my box but It’s so exhausting and Im still not happy. Still not any further than I was. There’s nothing wrong with me hating life as long as I’m productive in society. That’s what all the doctors preach right? I’m done pretending, I’m done putting up a fake face. I just want to be in a room left alone and no contact. Let me just live in my mind and be crazy. Atleast I’m not hiding my feelings by being productive. I want to fall apart I’m tired of being strong.