hello. I am new to this website, so I apologize if I screw something up in writing this..
I’m 23ish, and still living with one of my parents. I’ve had depression and anxiety for around 9 years now, and I still haven’t managed to find solid footing. not much has helped manage the symptoms. I’ve tried different medication, different therapies, and even some illegal/legal drugs to try to mitigate it. the three things that have helped me the most thus far, has been my dog, pot and coffee. I’m not thrilled about being in a cycle of coffee and pot everyday, but it gets me up in the morning, and calms the panic at night. idk what other people on here’s experience with depression/anxiety is, but mine seems to get severely worse at night. if I haven’t taken any pot, most nights I’ll end up on the floor, and not be able to get up. I’ve isolated myself, and become pretty much a hermit. occasionally I’ll try to reach out to my friends, but every social situation feels so draining, even with people I love. I’m not sure if it’s just anxiety pains, but a localized spot at the base of my stomach has a lot of pain, which comes and goes.. whether or not it’s anxiety caused, it does cause a lot of anxiety. not sure what I’m going to do yet. I have some hope for ketamine treatment, but who knows how many hoops there will be to jump through, before I can try a dose. I might try a MAOI after, if it doesn’t work. after those though, I’m not sure. I’m just so tired of trying all this shit, and nothing making a dent. I feel like I’m only worse for wear, and increasingly pessimistic about my life as time goes on. I’ve been considering suicide as an option for years now. I have a few plans I haven’t told anyone about, in case things get too much. is there really any hope to overcoming this? I have no desire to “re-train my brain” and accept the rat race way of life. but is there anything outside of that? are there people living outside of that? I feel like I haven’t found a road map, or perhaps one does not exist for anything besides this perfect productive machine of a lifestyle. I’d rather be dead than live like that the rest of my life.