Hey, it’s been a while. I feel like shit. I don’t know what to do or how to make it all go away. I’m tired, not the kind of “tired” that you just want to rest but the one that you’re physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually drained. I just want all of this to end. So i’m going to do it. Not now but soon. Days like these will be over. I’m just holding on for the final hours. It will be over soon.
I’m about to try smoke some weed. Is it good? what can it do?
I wanna see it happening. To see that I’m not just a sad story. That it’s real. I want to feel alive. I want to feel that there’s something for me out there. Something that will make me keep on going, keep on moving forward. Like Charlie did. I want to have someone to love and to be loved back. I want to have someone that will like the real me. That can see me, see through my eyes without even asking what’s wrong with me. I want to feel that I can live. To live with much love and hope like Charlie did. Like Charlie did…
Back in High School, there was this girl that i like, like A LOT or should i say I LOVE HER. She’s pretty good looking, athletic and the coolest girl that i know but she was out of my league, that’s the problem. I’m this skinny not good looking guy. Like I’m the complete definition of a NERD. But i didn’t care. I had to gather all this guts to prove to her that I can be the GUY for her. I want her to like me. I heard she had a boyfriend and then they broke up. I know it was a good opportunity for me but i don’t want to be that guy, you know what i mean. So i waited for months. Time come and i talked to her and told her what i felt. She told me that she ‘s not ready to have a boyfriend. So i told her that i can wait and i did my best for her to like me. What i did was I save some money even i have a lot of projects and school expenses but i didn’t give a fuck. I bought her chocolates, flowers, and shirts during valentines day and Christmas. I even come to her house to give her presents like cakes and stuff. I thought i’m doing good but i was wrong. I failed. I felt dead at that time. Like my life and world shattered.
Time passed, i get to realize that you cannot make someone love you. LOVE is not about giving or buying someone stuffs. Love is about telling someone you love her and if she doesn’t feel the same way, accept it. I get to the point where i realized that love cannot be rushed or forced. Love is about having someone who feels the same way like you do. I realized that i’d rather be alone for the right reasons than be with someone for the wrong ones. I really love her. I LOVE HER STILL but her happiness is what matters most to me. After that, we went to college and i never felt the same feeling like what i have for her. She has a boyfriend now and i heard they’re doing good. I don’t hate her for that. I guess i couldn’t, ever. And i don’t lose hope that there’s someone out there for me, who will love me back as i much as i love that person.
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Another day. I made it. Everything’s as usual. Some things sucks but some are getting better. I’m just hoping that i would at some point would feel different than i was yesterday. Like a happy story in some books or movies. I’m trying to be like i’m not a sad story. I mean, there were moments that i felt that i succeeded but at the end of the day, all came back. When i lay down in bed, these thoughts and feelings haunt me. I didn’t know what to do. So here i am. Writing this and hoping that somewhere someone is feeling the same thing and that i’m not alone. That I’m just a normal person having the same normal feeling like everybody else. Hoping that someone out there would understand me and would say “Hey, you’re okay. I’m here. You’re not alone. Let’s talk”.
Been thinking a lot lately. It’s like I’m a stranger in my own mind and my thoughts are just flowing and i can’t control it. I can’t even sleep till it’s 4 am. Why? Cos I’m not okay. I guess I’ve never been okay. I just pretend to be okay to feel that I’m okay. Fake it till you make it as they say. But how long? Cos no one dared to notice. No one sees me like really see me. But it’s okay. It’s okay. I’m okay.