I’m still here, found some friends who have been making my life better which has helped. Husband and I lost the house, we got some money back from it. And are now living with his parents. I’ve spent some of the money unbeknownst to him and now after 9 years (celebrated our 9th on Sep 27th) I am planning on leaving him. I wanted to know if ya’ll have any suggestions on what i should do before dropping this bomb on him that im walking away. Things have gotten good then bad and now worst, he is always angry at me and is now playfully smacking me in the face. He says its “playful” but i think he is just testing boundaries to see what he can do. He has no issues telling me how worthless i am and how much of a pardon my french but, c**t i am. And how no one other than him could love me because of how i am. I am going to slowly work on getting my precious stuff out of the place we are staying. Like my Nino’s flag he got when he died since he was in the service and my pets ashes. I am worried this will go badly so I plan on telling his mom first so she can be around when this goes down. I am serious this time and am looking at an apartment Friday. I couldn’t have done this without the friend i mentioned earlier. She is so amazing and i am so lucky she fell in my life the way she did. I feel like i acutally deserve to be happy for once and i know that wont happen with him. Any advice would be appreciated! Thanks for reading Snowy! <3 <3
And noghtings changed. My great grandpa died today. I used to see him all the time as a kid and the first thing my husband said to me after I told him is “You better not use your bereavement, you need to save it for someone more important” like ummm it doesn’t work that way but no if I use it go to the funeral he’ll make my life hell. Just like that time he playfully choked me. Like haha you should have seen your face!!! FML I need a drink or 100 maybe
Can’t I just ever be enough? Can’t someone ever tell me my best is good enough? Can’t you ever just got once say your proud of me? I’m not a big fuck up. Well you up there sleeping your words are ringing in my ears, your leaving me because I fuck everything up, I should be thankful that someone like you would ever love someone like me. Well fuck you, might as well be the fuck up you keep telling me. I guess I’ll be finding out tonight what it feels like to die. I hope you’re smart enough to give the dogs away. I know you won’t take care of them. I hate that I can’t hate you enough to figure out how to leave you.
I failed again. This world is full of bleak dark expressions moving about the day. No one ever said living was easy, everything hurts. The sun, this fake smile, repeating over and over ‘tomorrow will be better, it has to’. I let my deepest desire take hold of me, I handed over the reins to that part of myself. The sweet words running thru my head on repeat like a lullaby. Don’t worry, it won’t hurt. I never does! You’ll just sleep and never have to feel like this again. You need this, you want it. People will move on, the world won’t crumble for little old you.
Fine temptation do what you want I don’t care. That was the easy part, the rest not so much. I fell asleep, the world drifted away and I drifted into sweet oblivion only to awake several hours later. Dammit why are the dogs barking, my body wouldnt move. Still heavy from sleep? I don’t know, the world suddenly came crashing down on top of me. My head was fuzzy, every nerve was firing on all cylinders I could feel everything. The fog lifted, and the pain set in, my head erupted in anguish. What happened? I’m alive. Reality set in, my dog still barking but softer and at me. Hours had past and yet no one checked on me, my husband still upset at me over noting didn’t acknowledge when I stumbled down the stairs. He had no idea what could have happened, nor did he care, all I get ‘you gonna cook or be a little c**t all day?’
Living isn’t easy yet here I still am, one foot in the grave yet chained to this mortal coil waiting for my escape.
It’s been so long since I felt the need to write here, so long since I failed at leaving this mortal coil. The voices of all of those who loved me pushing me to stay and now several months later I arrive back at the cliff wanting to jump in. Still stuck to this verbally abusive asshole. Why can’t I just leave why do I feel so tied down to him. He has sucked every color out of my soul, I am just a ugly grey shell of what I used to be. Everything is a fight, everything a struggle. The gun in our closet calls out to me, beckonimg me to hold it closely. Can I manage to do it right when he says I do everything wrong, would I fuck this up like our life. If I died in his house would I be stuck here regretting my decisions. Would my mom survive, would there be more blood on my hands? Could my dogs learn to live without me, could this asshole learn to care for someone else other than himself? Surly not, the gun must go back, the pain and hurt he has caused must be swallowed down again. Everything is my fault, words no longer hold meaning I must apologize with actions. I don’t feel the same in my heart, I know our love is cold so why can I leave. Him? He’ll be alone, alone to struggle in a world he’s never had to navigate alone. Can I do that to him? Can I watch him break down and become destitute? No I must stay, I must endure this pain. No one else should have to deal with the hurt he causes me, no one else should have to be treated like this. I can’t let him hurt anyone else, so here I stay forever frozen in my small patch of hell on earth. U till I can no longer hold it in and need to release the pain, I bid you goodnight and wish you every happiness.
To my husband: I’m done trying to please you when nothing will. I can’t keep all the pain in any longer. Now you won’t have to leave me or deal with my bs as you call it. Good luck finding a new girl that will deal with you and your bs. I can’t anymore you’ve sucked me dry. Sorry your best friend is going to have to pick up my body and as you put it be disgusted with me. I wish I could have turned off my feelings before it got this bad.
To my mother in law/boss: I may have inconvenients you tonight but ow maybe you’ll realize what I do for you and your company. All those times you asked me to stay late or get you food or waste my gas on you, you’ll realize what I asked wasn’t that bad. Don’t cry or pretend to be hurt by what I did you don’t mean it and soon everyone will know. Thank you for all you did help with but good luck with your son. I wish you all the best in life and your business. Sorry I’m such a burden for you.
To my nina: I love you so much! Please don’t blame any of this on yourself. The only regret I have is that I’ll never be able to hold you one last time. Please be strong and know that I’m waiting for you in heaven.
To my mom: please know you tried and I appreciate all your words of wisdom and encouragement. I wish I could ask you to take Alice and Lola but I understand why you can’t. I’m sure my husband is going to get rid of them. I love you and always will. I’m so sorry to put you through this kind of pain, I can’t fight anymore.
To my sigblings: I live you guys and Im sorry we were never closer when we were young. Please stay strong and know how much I love both of you.
To everyone else: thanks for the memories and good luck in life.
Is today the day? Will the 23rd of May go down as the day I finally snapped. My husband told me last night that all I do is threaten suicide but never follow through. Maybe I should, today seems like a good day to die. No one would miss me, sure all those fake people in my family that just like to dump shit on while I’m stuck in a hole. I locked my keys in my car. My mother in law who I work for is pissed because the other girl called in sick today. She is lazy and doesn’t want to run her business. I can’t tell my husband because he would be super pissed at me. Maybe I should just end it, as I said no one would care. My mom has dementia and would probably forget I was gone.
I really thought i was done with this site. Things were starting to look up and i haven’t felt like killing myself in a long time. I really thought i was on the path of recovery, but I guess you never really are. Life just has a wonderful way of creeping its ugly head in the way of the sun. I keep saying this over and over about my husband, but I am stuck. there is no way I can leave. I have no one that I could live with temporarily and I can’t go to a shelter because hes not physically abusive. If there was a way to see all the mental abuse I’m sure that I would be completely black and blue. He went to a stupid relationship therapist but I lost my job again and we couldn’t afford it. I am in college now, having to pay out of pocket and he loves to tell me how much debt I’m putting us in to just fail at this too. Everything is crashing around me and I can’t catch my breath. His parents are letting me work for them part time to help us out but he also loves to tell me that I owe that to him as well. I want to end it so badly I dream about my funeral. If I did I know he wouldn’t do anything my family wanted and he would exclude some of them. He’s even told me he would, along with saying if I “ever got the balls to off myself I will have his blood on my hands too, because he would off himself just so his family hates me and my family.” This is who I married. I know if I leave he couldn’t survive without me and our dog (who he gets to keep) would die as well. I love my animals and they are one of the only reasons I stay. I know where the gun is and the ammo. We have a basement and tarps. I should just make sure the pets are safe and swallow a bullet. I hate everything, my life, my looks, my weight, my self esteem, and being stuck in the stupid situation. I know no one will bat an eye after I’m gone, probably just the few “Rip”, “I wish she would have talked to me about it”, “We used to be so close, im so broken right now” bs posts on facebook people do just for attention and to make them selves feel good about not actually giving a shit about me. I think maybe I’ll give my dogs some meds to so they don’t have to stay with him, same with my rabbit. And then we can all be done with this shit together and we will finally be free.
I need help. I’m at the end of my rope. I’m drowning and nothing can save me. My husband and I got into a huge fight today. He kept calling me an idiot over and over so I slammed the bedroom door. He said he wanted to talk to come out. News flash he didn’t. He just yelled at me more and called me an idiot again. I slammed the door again. This time hard enough to break it, it’s a shit door. He yelled more and told me to come out. I did because I guess I am an idiot. He told me I knew where the gun was and I should just kill my self. I want to, my mom would die too without me. She’s old and frail and the shock would kill her. May E I should, all it takes is one. I guess I could get drunk and take a tone of pills too. I can’t be a vegetable incase it didn’t work. Who would care if I’m gone. He won’t, I can’t leave I have no money and no where to go. I just need help.
Why must I keep living this lie, why can no one see the pain in my eyes. When they ask how I am why can’t they see the “good” is code for I’m falling apart. Why can’t I escape, there’s nothing I can do. Hes got me tangled in his web of deceit and pain. So many people think he is an amazing guy, its my fault I tell them how amazing he is. If only they knew the truth or could see the monster hiding under all of those layers of polished personality. My true hell is in his arms along with my entire world. Why do I depend on him so much, why do I seek his praise. I don’t need it but without it I know I can’t survive. I don’t feel like I’m a victim, I don’t think that I have any kind of stockholm syndrome. I want him to see my heart and know that I love him deeply. If only my best was good enough, if only he could see the pain in my soul. I guess I’ve always been good at hiding it, he doesn’t need to know, he doesn’t need the stress. He will never see me cry, not because I can’t but because I won’t. He enjoys my tears and knowing that he cause them, its like he feeds off it. To apologize is to submit completely, it doesn’t mean anything unless your on your knees proving you mean it. Words are never enough, it requires action, begging for forgiveness or breaking something precious. Why can’t I leave, good question, I can’t leave him. He needs me and no one else can put up with his needs like I can. He would be lost without me, and its my fault I’ve made him dependant upon me, if I left he wouldn’t survive. Its all my fault, he said if he knew I was leaving we would all die together. Love means being together forever no matter what. He’s my one and only someone and he knows that I will never replace him because I can’t. No one would find my inner beauty like he can…. or so he says. I can’t look because that would be a betrayal and I couldn’t bear lying to him like that. I guess I’ll just keep saying Im good when Im really not, and saying hes the best husband a girl could want, when obviously its not true.
Need help I can’t keep doing this. He’s going to kill me. It’s slowly getting worse the yelling has now turned into shoving. Yesterday we got taco bell and the bottom of the box of tacos broke. He was mad at me it was my fault I should have carried it better. I gave him the tacos that didn’t hit the ground and I dropped them on his lap. He got pissed that I “threw” them at him and he threw one at the back of my head as I walked out. It’s my fault I shouldn’t have tossed them at him. I ran upstairs and locked the bedroom door. I didn’t think about the bathroom. He came running up the stairs and burst threw the bathroom door grabbing me as I tried to run back in the bedroom. He threw me on the bed. I panicked figuring he was gonna hit me. He didn’t just yelled at me. And the first chance I got I locked myself in the office. I needed a minute. Today my face hurts he must have grazed my jaw trying to force me to the bed. He said if I ever threw anything at him again he would fuck his ex in front of me and kick me out of his house. I need to leave but I can’t. I need help but I have no one. Maybe I should just end it all. We have enough pills in the medicine cabinet to help. I want to live but I can’t. Who can I turn to now?
I can’t do this I wrote my husband a letter letting him know why I wanted a bunny. We got into a huge fight and he pretty much told me if I wanted any more pets I would need to move out and leave. He said I needed to apologize to him for being a ***** and disrespecting his feeling. He said we’ve done it my way for to long now and it’s high time to do things his way. I tried apologizing to him but he wouldn’t take it. Now he won’t talk to me. I can’t leave because of money issues and I have no family I could stay with. I told him if he didn’t answer me I’m downing an entire bottle of pills, big surprise he didn’t talk to me. I’m doing it tonight I don’t care this is my prison and I have no way out. I’m done. I’m writing this so when the cops investigate or whatever they can find this so my family knows it’s not their fault. I have no escape and since he doesn’t care/believe that I’ll do it I might as well. My life sucks and I fail at everything. I hope I actually have the guts to go through with it this time.
Am i just a glutton for punishment, why can’t I just leave him (my husband). I’ve tried so many times and it never works out. He’s so mean and he doesn’t see it my way ever. I know I’m not perfect but I don’t think I deserve how he treats me. I can’t walk away he’s not physically abusive but he’s very verbally abusive and has no issue telling me I’m ugly and need to lose weight. He tells me how I fail all the time and I already feel like crap about myself. I’ve looked at places to move so I can leave him, I’ve even reached out to a few places but it’s like when I get up the nerve to leave we have a good day and it’s hard to leave. We have more bad then good. He plays an online game and all his friends on there think I’m his roommate. Before my life insurance lapsed I was planning on ending it all. I’m such a failure and I can’t talk to him about anything. I want a rabbit and he had agreed but I rescued guinea pigs. The pigs died and now I want the rabbit and he doesn’t want me to. He wants me to get a turtle and I don’t want a turtle. I hate it. How can I find my escape why can’t I just walk out like people tell me too? Why do I have to love him? I hate my life and I want to die but I can’t even do that right.
I’m so tired of feeling like a failure and like I’m not allowed to be happy. My husband is going to hate me I don’t care nothing I do will make him happy. I’ve tried for so long and nothing changes. He says that I always get my way and I’m ungrateful but that’s not true. Maybe it is maybe I am ungrateful. Maybe this is a bad idea I don’t know what else to do. He said after my Guinea pigs died we weren’t getting anymore pets for a while. But he said if I didn’t rescue I could have a rabbit. Well I’m doing it. I’m rescuing a rabbit Friday and I don’t care. He’s the one that gets his way more then me. Maybe I’m just selfish and that’s why nothing goes my way. I don’t know what I should do. Why do I have to feel this way. I want a bunny and he said I could have one before but now I can’t get anything. It’s not like he pays for it he doesn’t even work. I’m the breadwinner in our house. Please help am I making a bad decision?
I am an animal lover and I’ve had several animals in my life so I know that eventually they die. My guinea pigs got sick and died a day apart from each other. Three days ago they were happy little pigs running around and chewing on everything and then its like someone flipped a switch. I couldn’t afford to take them to the vet because its so expensive and i just started working. I know its silly but I love them so much and I miss them so much. I feel so trapped and with everything that has been happening I just feel like everything is going wrong. I can’t talk to my husband because he’s sleeping, (I should too but I can’t) and I don’t know that he’ll understand. The pigs were my rescue and I nursed them back to health when i first got them and I couldnt do anything but keep them warm. I hate that I get so attached to my animals but I can’t help it, like i said Im a sucker for a cute animal face. I think this is why Im going into veterinary medicine. I want to rescue another Guinea that one of my friends emailed to me. She’s cute and needs a home. My husband said no because we haven’t even gotten the ashes back for my other pigs and I need to grieve. I know I’m probably jumping the gun but I have a hole in my heart and every time I see their empty cage it makes me so depressed. I was so close to my piggies and I feel like he doesn’t understand. He just doesn’t want anymore pets and I understand that but he knew I was an animal lover and he knew about my pets before we got together. I feel like he’s only doing what he wants and isn’t even giving me a chance to explain why I want to being this pig in. He would be happy if we never had pets and he wasn’t like this before. I don’t know when things changed for him but I feel like now I have to give up another thing for him. I don’t feel like it’s fair.
I was raised by my nina (godmother) since i was five months old. You could say we have a strong bond, she just turned 79 years old this year. And shes starting to have a lot of health issues. She had to be put in a nursing home and shes not eating properly. She can’t keep anything down and it seems like the nurses can only give her something for her stomach if she asks for it. She forgets and doesn’t ask, and she can’t eat and is losing weight. She has suffered from strokes, and currently has parkinson’s disease, and dementia. I love her so much, she is my everything and I lived with her until I was 19 years old when i moved in with my husband (boyfriend at the time) I know that she doesn’t have much longer in this world, i can tell and she even tells me that she doesn’t and she wants me to be strong. I was able to talk to her yesterday via facebook messenger (my sister helped her) she looked so small and frail and its killing me. I feel horrible for not being closer to her. I live an hour and a half away, and that’s if traffic is decent. If anything were to happen to her Im so afraid that by the time i get there its going to be too late. We had a scare in early June, the doctors thought she was having mini strokes again and if that was the case it was only a matter of time before one took her life. My husband let me go down and i was there for 5 days spending time with her. The doctors realized that she wasn’t in any danger and that it was just her medications, so I came back home. I found a job and i’m starting work next week. But after seeing her through the video chat I’ve been so conflicted, and I want to go down to see her before she gets any worse. I know that what she has can take a toll on her and I want her to remember me being there for her like she was for me when I was younger dealing with all my abandonment issues from my biological parents. my biological came back in my life when I was about 5 years old but I always stayed with my nina and she has always been mommy. I do call my biological mother mom as well. I was feeling very emotional tonight and really missing my nina. I told my husband that I missed her and wished I could be there to hug her and love on her. All I wanted was for him to tell me he was sorry and hug me and show me that he cared. But instead he told me I’m sorry but you are not going down there, I let you go last time for 5 days and that was long enough. I know that I messed up our finances and we are barely getting back on track now but I just wanted reassurance. I know that right now we don’t have the money for me to make a trip down there, but seriously all i need is like 40 in gas and we’re in business. He gets mad at me for wanting to go down there again so soon. But I know that her time is limited and I don’t know what Im going to do without her. She has been such a huge part of my life and we talk all the time several times a day infact. Shes number 2 on my speed dial (she would be 1 but stupid voicemail) I know that this probably doesn’t make sense to him because he has both of his parents and they have been such a huge part of his life, and he’s really odd when it comes to affection. He doesn’t talk to his mom very often and he tolerates his dad. I can’t even began to express to him the bond I have with my mommy and how much she means to me. I want to see her before she doesn’t recognize me anymore or before something else happens to her. I couldn’t handle not being able to have one more decent conversation with her and it’s like he doesn’t get that. And now he tells me that Im disrespectful to her by calling my biological mother mom, but my nina knows that she is my mother and I just call my biological that because it feels right to me. But i can go weeks without talking to my biological but i can’t go more than a day without hearing my nina’s voice. Im so scared and I feel so alone right now, i just want him to see that Im still a little girl that just needs her mommy. Sorry this is so long and thank you for reading it to the end. I just needed to get this off my chest and have a good cry. I just really want to see my mommy and I hate that I can’t.
Well today all the walls came crashing down in a giant explosion. I’ve been hiding some bills from my husband since I lost my job and I know it’s wrong but he has a heart condition and he gets stressed easy. Well today he checked the mail and found the Bills I’ve been hiding. We got into a huge fight and he’s threatening to leave me for hiding shit from him. I was trying so hard and now i need to figure out what to do. He doesn’t care that I did it so he wouldn’t have to deal with the heart issues. He doesn’t care that I’m putting off school for a quarter to get a job to start making things right. He doesn’t care that ever insult and every dig pushes me closer to that point of no return. He doesn’t care that I am trying my hardest to keep our lives moving forward and that everything I have done was for us. He doesn’t care that I took a job I know I’m going to hate and for less pay then the last one. He doesn’t care that I am doing all of this for us and our future. He doesnt care as he’s yelling at me, calling me a failure. I know the love he once had is completely gone now as his eyes reflect the coldness of his heart. I’m trapped here with him. His helping hand is becoming my nightmare. I have no where else to go. I am trapped and that’s how he wanted it. This is my nightmare but there is no waking up from this dream.
Is it because of my weight that he doesnt love me anymore. I know I’ve gained weight since we started dating 5 years ago. In my defense so has he. (if you’re wondering he is my husband, we were married on April 22nd last year) I recently lost my job and I am starting college in less then a week, well if I can find a way to pay for the shots I need to start. I’m going to school to become a Vet Tech, something I’ve wanted to do since I was a child. He’s had a few odd jobs here and there through out the years of our relationship but I’ve been the one to bring home the bacon mostly. As i said I recently lost my job, and have been looking for employement for the past month to no avail. Well I guess I took a week off to deal with some family issues. He wasnt happy about it but that doesnt matter now. So I’ve been job searching but havent found anything yet. I was finally getting out of the funk of losing my job and getting excited for school. Today he was mad at me becasue I didn’t clean the kitchen like I said I would. I was handling some bills and applying for work, and it got late super fast so I started dinner. As I said I have gained weight since we started dating and so has he. We decided to start eating healty so we can lose the weight faster. (Dont believe them carbs are not your friend) He was happy with dinner but pissed about the kitchen. I told him what I was doing during the day to cause the delay in the kitchen being cleaned. He told me that its hard for him to believe me about looking for work since I havent found anything yet. And the one interview I got has yet to reach out back to me. He thinks its because I’m fat and who would want to have to look at that all day. If i were to lose weight and actually try I could look pretty and then maybe I would have more luck. He then decided he wanted to cookies -_- So i made cookies. After that he went upstairs to bed complaining that I must be lieing to him about my job interviews and that I need to start showing him proof. Whatever…. I pulled my phone out and showed him the confirmation email. I told him i was excited for school and asked if we could afford the shots this weekend. To which he said school isn’t a priority and I need to find a job first. I don’t know what else to do. He doesn’t love me like he used to, I have no where else to go and I want to stay in this city so I can finish school. my family lives an hour and a half away but no one has room for me and I would have to drive up all the time for school. I feel so lost. He told me that I failed this family because I lost my job and if i took more pride in myself I wouldn’t have gotten fired. I need to drop the weight because no one wants to be with an ob. I should feel lucky that he even still wants to be intimate with me. He always says that he pulled me from the gutters and if I don’t start appreciating the things hes done he could easily put me back there. Can I survive another several months to 2 years dealing with this. I would end it now but my mom is old and it would kill her if anything happened to me. I am trying so hard but how can I get him to see that?
Why can’t things just get better. I’ve lost my job and we are having such financial hardships right now. I feel like the world is falling on me. I borrowed a lot of money from my sick mother and now other family members are getting involved and are thinking that I stole from her. No one believes me. My family hates me because of this my mom let me borrow a lot and she is very forgetful and I tell her all the time about the money I borrowed and owe to her and once I get a job I’m going to pay her back. But they don’t see that they think I’m taking advantage of her and that I’m stealing money. She doesn’t have long to live and I’m apparently ruining her life and should be thankful she didn’t dishone me. My family won’t listen and I don’t know what to do we are behind on everything and I feel like I’m drowning. I’m trying and I can’t seem to fix anything. Maybe with the little cash I have I should take a life insurance policy out and then try to die in a car accident. But knowing my luck I won’t die I’ll just be stuck as a vegetable. I cashed out my 401k from my last job and offered to give that to the family members handling my mom’s bills. I don’t know what else to do. My mom was OK with letting me use the money because she had a large settlement but now everyone is pissed at me. I keep telling them that she knew and was OK with it because I always try to pay her back. I don’t know what to do. I feel like such a horrible person maybe I should end it. I don’t know how much longer I can go on like this.
So my husband comes home from work (he got a job with his parents) and apparently he had a bad day. I spent the day learning how to make Onigiri (Japanese rice balls) granted it didn’t take me long but still. I made some for him because I know manual labor is hard and I wanted him to know he’s loved. He comes in and starts throwing off his clothes angrily (he was going to take a shower) and I made the mistake of asking what’s wrong. He yelled at me that he had a bad day and not to start in on him. I told him that I didnt cause it and not to treat me poorly. He got even more pissed and said I was fishing for a fight. I went upstairs and waited for a wihile. When I went back down to try and talk with him he plum ignores me. I didn’t do anything to deserve this and now if I don’t apologize to him for fishing for a fight he’s going to ignore me the rest of the night. He won’t even look at the stupid rice balls I spent an hour making. Why has my life come to this? Why can’t I leave? I would kill myself but my animals need me too much.