I just feel crappy today. I don’t know what I should worry about. I don’t feel entirely useless, just slightly hopeless about my current situation. I’m not eligible to apply for any funds to support my studies, if I ever get accepted to the art school I want to go. And my dad told me to not be “selfish” and think about my sisters wanting to further their studies as well so urh. Yeah it’s crappy. To not seem to get the financial support needed. Well fuck it I guess.
But this week I’d been trying to be emotionally available to my friends that are in need in an attempt to slightly ease my loneliness I guess. That’s why I don’t feel entirely useless. At least they appreciate my checking in, talking to them. So that’s something I did, and slightly feel good of, despite not being a really good person.
Don’t misunderstand but I just think I’ll never be good enough until I’m good to myself. I’m working on it.
But last night, I almost self harmed again. Probably because I was affected by my friends being suicidal. I don’t know actually. I kinda wanna die. I think. It’s just. Urm. I don’t know. I feel like a huge mess.
I should start taking care of myself but I still couldn’t really be bothered. I hrm. Urgh. I don’t know how to take care of myself.