Yesterday my mom, brother, aunt, and I had a barbeque. I was washing a pan that my mom was going to put food on and asked my brother to hold some of the dishes because there was no space on the counter. He then asked me if I could do anything right. I told him to finish washing the pan (my aunt watched this and got mad at ME) and stormed outside to sit next to the barbeque. I told my mom about it and she pretended like nothing happened. I told my mom that smoke got in my eyes to cover my tears. I’m tired of living in a world where I apparently can’t do anything right. I’m tired of living in a world where I get yelled at for being angry that such a cold comment was said to me by someone no one should hear those things from. I’m tired of living in a world that clearly wants to get rid of me.
Hi, everyone. I just joined this site. I just NEED to tell someone about my feelings. I’m 15, male, and ready to die. I haven’t lived a hard life, so some might find me selfish, Whatever. I’ve been fighting my depression for four years now, I had counseling once, and I felt better for a while. But it didn’t last. I’m ugly, boring, and not always a good person outside, but hidden deep within myself is the heart of a saint. And this cold, dark world has chewed me up, spit me out, and pissed on the remains. My family is a good one, My mom, aunt, and brother are all good people. But I feel like they don’t love me. My brother has to be one of my favorite people and I enjoy playing games with him. But I usually have to beg for weeks to get him to do anything with me. He always makes me feel like hanging out with me is a chore. My mom doesn’t show favoritism, but I can tell that she feels it. My aunt is just the type of person I don’t get along with, and she has no problem expressing it. When I do something nice for them they act like I’m trying to manipulate them.This is never the case and while I may be smiling and even laughing, inside I’m crying . My “friends” are people who talk at me rather than with me. One of them, a girl, sent a love letter to me a few months ago. I replied in a positive manner and SHE REJECTED ME. The next day she pretended that nothing happened and even talked to me like she didn’t just sucker punch my heart. That was the day my heart shattered. I don’t know how anyone could be so cold. Every time I start to feel comfortable in a social setting, somebody is rude to me for no reason and I retreat back into my shell. I constantly feel alone no matter who I’m with or what I’m doing. My heart is in pain constantly. No one knows of my current suicidal thoughts and I intend to keep it that way. Luckily I’m quite the liar when I need to be. I typed this while my mom was in the same room and she was clueless. Anyway, I feel like a being born into this world by mistake and boy do I feel unwelcome. Everyday I think to myself, “I wish I could just leave” I have been unsuccessful in the dating scene and my gut tells me that I will live alone no matter what I do. There is one girl I like, but I know it will never happen and I won’t dare say a thing to her. She’s better off not even knowing about my feelings anyway. I am terrified of being alone, but solitude is my future and I’m to afraid to live through it. This world has given me plenty of reasons to commit suicide, but I was already born with a reason. There is a darkness inside of me. A horrifying darkness that I can’t control. I’m amazed I’ve made this far without giving in fully to it. It claws at my being crying to be freed from the prison I’ve made for it. This darkness is so foul, my own family would see me killed if they found out about it. I HAVE TO KEEP IT FROM ESCAPING. It will die with me and I will finally be free from its grasp. I haven’t attempted suicide yet, but intend to as soon as I can legally acquire a gun. I could use another method, but this world has given me enough pain, there is no reason my death has to add to it. I am ready and willing, and merely biding my time on this earth until I am able.
Sorry if this post looks weird. I have little experience with posting things with these tools. ( I know, very odd for a teenager.)