NO ONE EVER ASKED ME IF I’M OKAY OR HOW AM I DOING. THEY’VE SEEN ME LAUGH, THEY’VE SEEN ME SMILE BUT THEY NEVER SAW HOW AM I WHENEVER I’M ALONE. EVERYBODY THINKS I’M PERFECTLY FINE (MAYBE BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT I SHOW THEM). EVERYONE AROUND ME THINKS I’M JOKING WHENEVER I TRY TO TALK ABOUT MY FEELINGS, SO I PRETEND TO BE HAPPY INSTEAD. YOU KNOW WHAT’S MORE SAD? THE PEOPLE YOU THOUGHT WHO ACTUALLY CARED FOR YOU ARE THE ONE’S WHO DIDN’T KNEW YOU AT ALL OR DIDN’T EVEN TOOK A CHANCE TO ASK IF YOU’RE FINE. NOBODY SAW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO SLEEP AT NIGHT. NOBODY HEARD ME BETWEEN MY SOBS EVERY 2 AM HOLDING MY THOUGHTS INSIDE MY HEAD THAT WILL BURST ANYTIME THEY WANT. NOBODY SAW HOW MUCH I TRIED MY HARDEST NOT TO CRY BEHIND MY SMILES. OH FUCK, I AM PERFECTLY FINE!! I’M OKAY!! AS OKAY AS DEATH.
There’s this boy who has the same age as me, we live in the same province, our schools were different, we’re friends of friends, he follows me in social media. I LIKE HIM SO MUCH SINCE 7TH GRADE. He doesn’t even know that I exist.
I want to die at the same time i want to live. I want to go forever in peace but I want to explore life in different perspectives. I live in hell, and everyday is a battlefield and i want to feel what heaven feels like. I’m craving for some time alone. I want to go to a place away from socialization, i want to walk away from everything even just for a while. Sometimes, i want to live and every moment, i’m searching for peace.
Consider how hard it is to change yourself and you’ll understand what little chance you have in trying to change others.
As I grow up, my Christmas list becomes shorter. It’s because the wishes I have can’t be bought by money or they’re too impossible to grant. I admit, i really miss the feeling of believing in Santa and hanging your favorite socks hoping he’ll drop some stuffs while you were asleep. I still remember how does it feels like to pretend to be asleep and hoping you’ll get the chance to meet Santa. I still remember how damn good it feels to celebrate this holiday with your family members and exchanging gifts with the ones you love.
Guess what? Those were just memories and it can’t happen again…
But you know what’s worse? You can never undo life. We just have to accept the fact that some things have changed from the way they used to be before. You can never replace memories with a good one BECAUSE THE PEOPLE WHO MADE THOSE WERE GONE and from that moment, everything doesn’t feel the same. The things you used to do makes you want to break down. Every single piece of memory left in your mind makes you feel weak and it breaks your heart a little and your whole body gets numb. And then you just want to cry and drown yourself to tears because you can’t explain how painful it feels. When every good memory you had with someone you really love keeps on flashing back, it makes you want to explode like a bomb. Christmas won’t be the same without the people who were the reasons why you want to celebrate it. It’s all different. I’m starting to believe in forever, and if you’d ask me one thing to prove that forever exist, think of the word “change”. Time after time, everything has changed and some things will never be the same no matter how hard you try to make things possible.
When you start to lose someone you really love, maybe you’ll understand.
(btw, i’m only fifteen)