i’m drifting away from my life and i don’t fucking care that i’m drunk at 2 in the morning on a school night again because i don’t even panic about this anymore and why should i? people are more surprised if i’m at school for once than if i’m away for a week. i can’t throw up anymore because i don’t eat and if i try to vomit i just end up coughing up blood and mucus. i just want to be perfect and clean and being perfect by my own standards is all that concerns me now. it makes no sense because i’ve only got two people to be perfect for but i’m not. i’m so sorry. fuck, i love you so much. i just want peace of mind. i want to drift without any responsibilities, like a ghost, never eating or sleeping, i never want to sober up, i want to get high on dxm under the streetlights alone on a summer night and just rewind that moment over and over again until i feel like i’ve lived. i feel so filthy right now but it’s okay. it’s all okay because my life as a ghost begins now. i’m going to drift through the next days ahead of me without worry because they are my last, i am going to feel pure, i’m going to smile and make amends, i’m going to get higher than i’ve ever been, i’m going to love my darling with all my heart and more, every day because he is my everything and i’m going to kiss him goodbye like it’s the end of the world every single night until it really is the last time and after i close the door i faint in the stairway of his apartment building and wither away.
i’ve always been someone who needs to be someone to other people, you know? having lots of friends who depend on and trust me has been the thing that keeps me going and makes me appreciate myself and my life. i don’t know when exactly i ran out of energy to spend on other people. why did that happen? at some point i became insanely apathetic. i had no energy to try and take care of everyone anymore. i lost my purpose, my calling in life and people got mad at me for not caring enough. why did i become such a bad friend? now i’m background noise to all the people i used to mean something to. i just exist. i’m a memory, i’m someone you pass by in the hallway sometimes but never make eye contact with. there’s only one person left. he is everything. things aren’t getting better, i’m still really detached and numb. i don’t think i can be good enough for him much longer.
i’m really tired. when i eventually lose the one thing i have left i won’t waste any more energy trying to keep going. the end is coming closer. i don’t know what to do.