Hi, i am 19. I have been suicidal for about 2 and a half years now. I have been a cutter…the first time i ever cut myself was grade 9(15 years old).
It was actually an accident the first time because i got really angry and i happened to have a scizzors in my hand and when i get and i hit things, so without thinking i hit the open scizzors on my arm. I did this once, saw the blood, felt..wow.. And did it two more times… There are times when i still feel the urge to cut, but it doesnt control me anymore. I will admit that the last time i cut was about two months ago…
I cut because it replaces my feelings of anger and pain with numbness… I found myself smiling after i saw the blood start to ooze out of me… It was like a drunk feeling… It was a beautiful feeling. I stopped because i realised that it may have made me feel better in that moment, but it made me feel worse about myself in general… I felt angry because i am so self concious already, yet im making myself uglier by making scars. People dont like flawed skin…i couldnt wear what i wanted because my arm was all “lined up” and that made me angry because i already had morning crying sessions, getting angry and not knowing what to wear .
…you see i was also fussy about where i cut. Some people can cut their thighs and it would be the same as cutting their arm. The only place i can cut to feel that adrenaline is on my left arm.(left arm because i am right handed)…weird. I wouldnt take those scars away though because for some reason they have sentimental value to me… They are apart of me now.
When my parents found out that i cut, they were really angry and didnt handle it well but anyways… One thing they did say that helped me is that i must stop hiding my scars under sleeves. I have nothing to be ashamed about. So what? I have scars on my arms… What is the big deal?