i don’t want to go alone xoxox
i need to leave now and i need someone to “be” with me while i prepare to leave, and then i will go. is there anyone who will support me while i do this?
i love you more than life itself, honey. i have been a horrible daughter, mother, and human being. i know that you will be reading this at some point. i hope that you do if fact learn from what i have done to you, like we just talked about. i hope someday that you can find tin your heart to understand why i have to do what i have to do. i hope someday that you can forgive me.PLEASE don’t let baba ruin the rest of your life. you are a beautiful soul, and have a wonderful future. i’m sorry about the life insurance money that you won’t be able to receive from me, but you will get a lot from baba, so that will help you. perhaps some day we will see each other again in the spiritual world.
all of my love,
my blood sucking mother’s 80th birthay and the day i will be killing myself.
i can’t believe that i am saying this, but i have a date tonight. yikes! xox
i wonder how many people in this SP community think that i should stop posting here. seriously. i am afraid that i am inadvertently hurting people on here, and i don’t know what to do. please be honest with me. xox
would anyone care to share what you are thinking RIGHT NOW? no filters.
let’s play truth without the dare.
reveal a secret that you haven’t told anyone.
i wish that i didn’t have a child.
i am getting my affairs in order:
1. updating my will
2. redoing my “health directives”
3. appointing a new trustee
4. changing my power of attorney
5. preparing letters, momentos, and gifts to give to certain people
6. rechecking my life insurance policy
what a royal pain in the ass. lol
my mental status has shifted yet again. yesterday i had a funeral to attend, and there were many people at the synagogue to honour a truly wonderful woman. she always used to call me “pammy” and was ALWAYS kind and non judgemental to me over the years. after the service, we were instructed to go to the cemetery of the family’s choosing, but i misheard the name of the cemetery and went to the wrong one. as it turned out,the cemetery that i arrived at was where my father was buried. i chose some stones to place on his headstone, and had bought him a father’s day card with a butterfly clip attached to it. i hung out with him for a while, and returned to the synagogue for the meal of consolation. i expressed my apologies to the woman’s family, and had a few meaningful conversations with people who approached me. i left alone, and headed home. i am in the process of cutting my toxic mother out of my life, and i have been struggling. my mother was at the funeral, and it was very awkward, but i ignored her entirely in front of her friends, and a good portion of the jewish community. my son did not attend, but i am sure that i will here about my display this morning, as he left me a text to call him first thing when i wake up. in hindsight i should have been thinking about him, and that there were parents of his friends at the funeral, and he would have been embarrassed. i am getting my affairs in order, and am fighting through “THIS”. i am constantly in crisis, and i am taking things day by day. i don’t know where this is heading right now, but i am still fighting.
if there were 2 people left on earth, you being one, the other being a stranger, what would you do to survive? assume that that you were left with all of the tools available to you were provided to you for a long time.
i am out of the woods for now; literally and metaphorically, and i want to thank the special people who have supported me time and time again, especially those who took the time and cared enough about me to respond to my last post. you mean a great deal to me, and i will never forget your gifts of care and compassion. thank you so very, very much. xoxoxoxox
i am packing up my supplies, writing my notes, booking a cabin in the place where i spent my summers at growing up, and going to end this excruciating pain, once and for all. call me selfish, but i simply won’t live this way so my 23 year old son can tell his friends that i died a natural death.i know he loves me. he knows that i love him. he will be pissed off, but he will survive. i m done with this pain and anguish.