The thoughts came on fast. This was about 10 minutes ago. They have never been this strong in my life. Usually I don’t break down and cry when I have suicidal thoughts but this time I did. I just started thinking about my childhood and playing on the beach with my mom and watching my dad sit around in the ocean. I remembered the small irrelevant things like the one time I fainted when my mom was brushing my teeth. Then I pictured myself now. Actually considering dying. It seems so surreal. Thinking about never being able to touch water again. Never being able to feel wind or to crack my knuckles again. And now I’m looking at my skin. The light from my laptop shines on my hands where I can see the lines and cracks of them and it makes me realize I’m alive. I still want to kill myself badly I just can’t take the panic attacks and stress anymore. No one ever listens to me or believes me. I still cut my hips to feel alive but my mom doesn’t know obviously or I would be put in a hospital. I’m too exhausted to type any more.