I have been both depressed and mentally ill for as long as I can remember. Despite this, I have managed in my late 20’s to have a stable career, a place of my own, and even decent bonds with friends. On the surface I have “made it” or at least I should feel that way, yet I still want to end my life every single day.
I wake up to go to work, a job I actually like doing and pays well, and yet I look myself in the eye and think “Why am I even bothering?” Every day feels about the same: wake up, work for 12 hours, go home, maybe play a video game, sleep. On a day off I’ll try to hang out with a friend but that’s not too common and I usually have to clean my living space on those off days as well.
I know, I’m such an awful human to feel this way despite having what some wish they could have, kinda makes me feel even worse than I already feel. But life just feels so empty, cold, and sterile.
I’ve become jaded over the years to this suicidal feeling, never enough to want to pull it off (barring a few bad days I had a few months ago) but never gone, like a tiny splinter in my toe.