I had one of those terrible days at work today. My work isn’t usually stressful or anything, but it involves a lot of interacting and talking to others. While a majority of the time, I don’t have to worry too much about the things I say, there are certain people that I talk to where I do have to be careful with my words. This requires that I act accordingly and respond accordingly, and whenever an interaction is over, I always feel extreme anxiety and extreme self-loathing, as if nothing I say is ever perfect. It’s that feeling of a million pins and needles.
In the past, it used to be that I would get anxiety during the conversation, but for a while, I have been practicing that aspect of interaction, and have suppressed that type of in-the-moment anxiety. I have also learned to not feeling anxiety beforehand. The problem, now, is that I feel extreme anxiety and anger after all interactions. No matter the reality of the interaction, not that I would know what the reality is, but my perception of the interactions is always that I failed to communicate properly and appropriately. I feel that my social skills are constantly inadequate and that my communications skills are inadequate as well. It leads to my binge-eating and worsening state of my mind.
I haven’t figured a way to resolve this deep anxiety…. it’s like my brain is sadistic and enjoys sabotaging me.
But back to the title of my post. There is a certain guest at my work that has no boundaries. It’s like she gets a little and takes everything. Obviously I don’t want to alienate the guests, but I have yet to figure out a way to deal with her. Not to mention the fact that there are other people at my work that make my life miserable. I can’t be too revealing because my work requires that I be a role model. But that’s all a facade of course. Inside, I’m a whirlwind of emotions constantly trying to stabilize the chaos and find my center of gravity.
Just one of those days.