Deep inside I want to die but I’m too afraid… I keep crying endlessly! I like drawing. I try to draw but I can’t because I keep crying and crying and crying! Even writing this is hard… I keep crying. I need a hug. When’s the last time someone hugged me? It’s been a long time. I haven’t cried within years. I haven’t shown any signs of emotion within years. I always was the strong guy who barely cared about emotions but this is gone. I feel so weak. I am so weak.
It’s always like that… I want to hug her… Oh fuck! It’s just my imagination! She isn’t here. She doesn’t love me anyway. It’s so hard to be in love. Just want to die and get rid of this feeling!
Hello. First off; 15 years old, for you to know.
So, fucked up even more, dug even deeper into the abyss of depression or whatever-the-fuck it is. Being frustrated in life more and more. Posted on reddit (/depression), with title “Just realised I’m a fake person.” No answers. Noone cares. Cry. Angry, bad language.
“Yeah. Fake emotions, fake smile, fake love, fake friend. Fake everything. So… That’s basically it, I have friends I like, other I pretend I like them (and I fucking know they do too) and the friends I like, they don’t like me. I’m just the.. how do we say that in one word.. Well I’m friend with a popular guy everyone likes, and well, I am just the piece of shit that hangs out with him so when he isn’t there, people come talk to me… Otherwise I don’t exist. I hate that. I want to punch all these assholes in the face who think I’m a fucking object. But that’s not the point. The point is, I just realised today that I can’t stand the fact that this popular guy does EVERYTHING, absolutely EVERY FUCKING THING IN THE FUCKING WORLD better than me. Not a single thing where I’m better than him. The worst of all, he does not move his ass! he never works, he gets back from school and just talks to my brother on discord! I have no time for that! Because I WORK. When there’s an exam I WORK. He doesn’t. We do something new at school he understands EVERYTHING. And I don’t. Fuck. Well I’m an idiot I guess… It’s okay, I’ve seen other do worse. But WHY does it have to be like that? I AM the object, the piece of shit the whatever-the-fuck you call that. I always say FUCK I always hate I’m always an idiot I’m always jealous I’m always a fucking piece of crap the popular guy carries with him I’m always sad or mad or whatever-bad-feeling you can possibly imagine and I always FUCK UP. The list could continue on but I guess you understand the point. I am not liked and I don’t like others. They just pretend to like me! But why don’t I like them? Because they’re ASSHOLES. They are racist, homophobic, judgemental… And when I say that I don’t like that.. well they basically don’t care and just say “you gay” (that’s basically their way to say that if I don’t like their way of thinking, I can just go be tortured to death). For example, I do drawing, but they DON’T like that! So what? I just hide it. I am fake. I am never myself, because being myself is not LIKEABLE. It just gets me hate. I’m a very patient guy but I reached the breaking point. I have now 3 choices I guess. I can continue to be like that and be sad. I can say I can’t take that anymore, be lonely and have everyone laugh at me, or I can just die in an pain free way (am currently looking for it, but it will be hard to decide). If I just had an instant death button I would have pressed it long ago.
Also sorry for bad language but at this point I honestly don’t care so much.”
Very low self-esteem. Bad person. Don’t want to use first-person singular because feel like shit… So, weird written post. Bad person, pervert, sexual fantasies with known girls, learned to draw and drew them, is bad, is gross. Failed at explaining, tried many many times. Tried to hurt; used big hard object on hand. Felt guilty, ashamed. Saw as an attention whore. Not truth. Object. Deserves death. Want to kill, then die. Kill those who laughed at me. Those who judged me. They deserve death, too, not going alone. Confused. Bad at EVERYTHING. Trying to draw. Big failures, hard work. Reaching breaking point. Started to fail at hiding it. Others do well with no work. Doing bad with hard work. Idiot. Waking up, looking in the mirror. Looks pretty bad. Hates being a boy. Friends are fake and pretend to like, to love. Is all fake, is all fucked up. Been trying to study people’s behavior to know if it’s lies or truth. Turns out everything is lies. Fuck everything. Like almost nothing. Like drawing, masturbating, eating, that’s all. You think “Another idiot tries to get attention”, right? For fuck’s sake, don’t answer if this is what you think. Be honest, or go to hell with your lies.
Thank you. Sorry for confusing message.