I feel like I have it all right now… I’m free of my emotionally abusive ex, I have an incredible new man in my life, I’m going to my dream school, have incredible friends… but god I’m tired. I’m failing two of my classes, I think about my ex… not in a “I still love him way” because I don’t. I don’t love him anymore. It’s just, like, what did I do wrong? Am I going to fuck up my current relationship because of my plethora of mental illnesses? I still have no idea why he loves me… and I’m tired of second guessing myself and god I’m so tired of wanting to die all the fucking time. I’m tired of people trying to tell me what I should do and that I’m just ‘tired’ or ‘lazy’ because I’m not. I just want to die, you know? And my love is shipping out in December and I just can’t handle it… I love him so much already and I know he’s going to take my heart with him when he goes and I keep imagining a future with him and I want it so fucking bad I want the stupid white picket fence and the cute house and chickens and cooking breakfast with him in the morning and all I can think about is how those four years are going to go by and hes going to fall in love with someone else and kiss someone else and think of her name when he wakes up and fucking hell it hurts me to my very core. But I just want him to be happy. I want him to find an incredible woman and push me to the back of his mind. I want him to fall in love with someone worthy of him and have an incredible fucking life. That’s really all I want. And I want my mom to not get early onset alzheimers and stop drinking so fucking much and have my dad not be so fucking angry and my friend to not think about how she was raped and not have social anxiety everywhere I go and I just want to have something be a little easier. I know I’m complaining and I’m sorry…
Take a Deep Breath
I don’t know how to move forward right now. I feel so broken… my boyfriend is going through a really hard time right now and I can’t help him. I’m also going through a hard time right now… not that it matters. I’m always going through a hard time. Ha. He’s always so exhausted from work and is not even the slightest bit affectionate towards me… I don’t think he loves me anymore, and that’s the hardest thing for me to try and accept. I’ve almost spent two years with him, and I feel like he is slipping through my fingers. I don’t want to give up on this. He’s the love of my life… but I can’t find him anymore. What should I do? Please help. Anyone.
I need someone to talk to
Hey loves. Just want to pop in again and ask how everyone’s feeling. I don’t know about you guys, but Summer is a bit easier for me to live through. I prefer being in colder weather, but winter always makes me so depressed… It may be hot but at least I don’t feel like dying today! Everything is so bright and fluid and lively- it makes me feel as though I can be that way too. Yesterday was a tough day for me. I had a massive drop in energy, which lead to a huge depressive episode… #perksofbeingbipolar. Since I am exhausted today from yesterday, I’ve been taking it easy. Taking care of myself. Which is something I’ve only recently begun to do, since my bf keeps telling me to take time for myself. He’s been the greatest rock in the world for me to hold on to… I honestly couldn’t imagine life without him. Whelp, there’s a lil’ update about me. Here’s a really beautiful song I found by Bastille… hope you all enjoy <3.
Hello my loves. Today marks a day in which I cannot remember the last time I cut myself on purpose. I cannot remember the last time I shoved my hand down my throat in disgust. The last time I tried to take my own life. The last time I told myself that this, here, is the last time. The last breath, sob, tear. It does get better. Somehow. Painfully. Endlessly. You must trust yourself endlessly. You are the only person in the world who can change your mind. In your sea of pain, remember all you need is to tread water. You can do this. -TADB
I only have seven min before my parents take my interenet and phone is anyone here? I just cant do this anymore and im so frustrated and confused and im having another pani attack please help
Hey loves 🙂 Idk if anyone I know is here anymore but I guess now i’m one of the oldies lol. Please feel free to message me and catch up.
Hello all! If you’re out there and you know me, please drop a comment below and let me know how you’re doing- and if I don’t know you, just know I’m an old timer on this website and I took a break from it for a while. Comment below even if I don’t know you! And to all of you whom I knew on kik- I deleated it because of personal reasons, and I’m sorry if you couldnt get a hold of me.
I feel like crashing into a tree. Thoughts?
Hey guys… long time no see. It’s been months since I’ve been on here…. months spent thinking. Thinking that I was getting better. Thinking that the old Sam was gone. The one whose depression conquered her on a daily basis. The one who ran to her knife for comfort. The one who never knew what a nigt in peace was like.
So damn mother fucking wrong.
Hahahaha life is a cruel joke my loves. It wants you to live but gives you all the cards to die. I hope you are all doing better than me. I hope to see some familiar faces on here soon… I hope I hope I hope for a better future for us all. I’m going to go cut because it’s all I think about… hope you’re all doing okay 🙂
It’s all my fault. My horrible relatioship with my dad, the reason my mom cries, the reason our house hold is so fucked up. It’s just all fucked up and I can’t fucking fix it because it’s all my goddamn fucking fault. You know what hurts the most? Is knowing that this is so fucking true. All I can do is sit here like a dumb fuck and listen to Nickleback blaring in my ears trying to drown every shitty bit of my self in the angry rythum og the music and a sea of self hatred. I want to drown in my own hatred- I wish I could just kill myself through hating myself. But you know what? I don’t feel anything. Not one god dammed thing. Why? I feel like I sound angry right now- but I’m not. I’m just confused, sad, alone. I feel like Burning my soul to the ground. Why can’t I just live in a Nickleback song haha/ Maybe I’m finally losing my mind. I just want to throw myself down the drain. Haha maybe itd be fun? Who fucking knows. All I know is I’m done. I can’t do this anymore. Not like this. Not like what I’ve been doing. Cause this shit aint working anymore. Exercise more, drink more water, do this, do that, BE ME. OK DAD, LET ME JUST BE YOU REAL QUICK. BECASUE WHO THE FUCK NEEDS TO BE THEIR ACTUAL SELF, RIGHT? WE ALL JUST NEED TO BE EXACTLY LIKE YOUR FUCKED UP FUCKING SELF. And I know he just wants to help, and I get that, but one person can only deal with so much shit for so long, and I’ve reached my limit. YOU HEAR THAT, DAD? I’M DONE. I’m done trying to be your son, trying to be perfect, trying to be who you want me to be. I want to go bat shit crazy. I want to leave it all behind in a fucking haze. Who knows? Maybe I’ll just let loose………………………………………I dont even know anymore. I don’t even know what I’m writing in this post. I know that it doesnt make sense, I know I want to die, I know that I dont feel anything right now, and I know that I might sleep with yet another random guy to try and find who I used to be. Maybe they will help me find it. Find me. Cause the girl I used to know? The girl who was sweet and kind and censored- that ***** is dead. Shes fucking gone, and I dont know who replaced her.
Hey loves. So I haven’t been on here in what seems like forever- and I see so many new faces! (Hello new faces:)
I don’t know if I’m coming back or if I’m just popping in- probably just popping in. Before I talk about me, I wanna say that I hope everyone is doing, at the very least, ok. Of course, I hope for adventurous magnificence for all of you, but I know that’s not always reality. Life, emotions, people, combinations of all three- they can constantly stand in your way to happiness. But I’m here to tell you that you deserve to push negative roadblocks aside and take life by the balls and live it the way you deserve to.
I have lost myself… I’m not sure if I’m Sam the girl who loves coffeeshops and acoustic guitar or Sam who sleeps with random people or Sam who is completely anti social or Sam who’s always in the middle of it all… I don’t know. I really don’t know. All I know is I just don’t know anymore.
Which is why I’m writing today. You see, not knowing who you are; not knowing who you are going to be when you wake up in the morning, or who you’ll be after you eat lunch or go out for dinner- it seems impossible to hang onto your true self, the one with morals and values and dreams. I am a cutter, a suicidal, a spazz, a truster, an adventurer, a lover, a fighter, a runner, a rider- I am so many things, and I think I need to learn how to live in peace with all of these facets of myself. I keep fighting with each of them- fighting to stay one thing. I don’t know if I should give in and morph into whoever whenever or fight to be one. But I guess that’s what it’s like being bipolar- I guess you could even look at it like an adventure. One whose ending will be different every moment.
But I have to remember to value each of these little adventures- each moment I have here is precious. Each moment i spend laughing and giggling and enjoying- even when these moments are rare, they are precious. More so when I struggle to find them. I find when I’m at peace with myself (which rarely happens let me tell you) I can help all of you more. And that’s all I want at the end of the day. To make a difference 🙂
I want to say thank you from the bottom of my heart for being here for me. I’d name everyone, but if I forgot someone, i’d never forgive myself. So, i hope you read this, and I wish I could show my gratitude to all of you who have been here. Thank you 🙂
Hello my lovelies 🙂 I haven’t been on here for quite some time now… I thought if I stayed away long enough, my negativity would cease to exist. That it wouldn’t affect you guys- I like bringing positivity here! I like letting you all know that you are loved and cherished are are beautiful and strong and inspiring (BECAUSE YOU ARE, YOU FUCKING FABULOUS PEOPLE YOU) but I… you know what? Never mind. That’s all I want to say. I missed you all, and I hope I can help in any way I can 🙂 Love and hugs to all *opens arms for giant group hug* (I do air hugs too for those who don’t like touching 🙂 )
So I went to some fancy schmancy doctors in San Francisco to get the results back from my brain scans. He said that the over activity in my brain causing my anxiety was “horrifying” and could only imagine how bad it would’ve been without my current meds. The comparisons between my brain and those of a normal brain are startling in their differences. He’s putting me on yet another medication with supplements- I’m excited but sceptical. I’ve already tried so many meds…. But what have I got to lose? I got so desperate to cut that I took apart my eyeliner pencil sharpener 🙁 It was a nice one too lol. There are some parts of me that are worried that this won’t work… But what if it does? I’ve lived with this my whole life… Will I be me when the monster is contained? I still want to die… More so than I’ve wanted in a long time…
My story isn’t over yet, and neither is yours. I wish we could all join hands around a campfire and sing kum by ya and just enjoy being us. And we are all lucky enough to have found this place- a little place in this world for us. Thank you loves, for being you 🙂
Hello loves 🙂 So I haven’t been feeling exactly chipper lately, and I think I’ve found something helpful.
You can go somewhere you think no one will hear you, or you can just stay in your house. Grab your pillow if you want to try and muffle the sound- but I recommend just letting it out.
Now, take a deep breath (haha see what I did there) and just scream your freaking head off.
Now I don’t mean a half assed yell- I mean a fucking battlecry against everything you’ve ever faced as a challenge or a foe.
Just a suggestion
It is taking me again… I don’t want to go. I’m sobbing and I’m tired… I’m so tired loves. Save me from myself. From the depression… Save yourselves from the sorrow that is me
Ok, so I read a bunch of posts to day and it seems like many of you are angry and are enjoying calling people assholes (haha I love it). People seem to think that it’s not ok to get angry… that it’s not ok to express your frustration at a situation or at some dickhead who is ruining your day for no apparent reason other than his dickheadedness. So, lemme say this: if you have a justafiable reason to be angry, LET IT OUT. Don’t try and suffocate your true feelings with rainbows and carebears; grab your bat, swing at some trees, scream some fantabulous string of curse words to the heavens and just let it out. One day or another, you ARE going to explode. It is just a matter of time. And when you blow up at the wrong person, guess what- you’re now the asshole.
I just want you all to know that it’s ok to be angry, because that is part of being human 🙂 So go ahead, take that old pillow that you hate or that ugly ass f-ing vase that some estranged cousin gave you for Christmas or your birthday and smash it. You can’t heal when you are tearing yourself up from the inside out.
Just wanted to pop in, say hello, and hope everyone had a wonderful day 🙂