Edit: I’m not sure if this was officially posted, it’s. Very confusing on how to submit.
Hello.I’m new here & I feel like I have no one to open up to which is why I’m here. Long read so if you can’t read my whole essay, just skip to the LAST PARAGRAPH below.
I’m 32 yrs old & have suffered from depression since I was a teenager. I find that living with depression is bearable when I have great things going on in my life.
As of these past couple of years, I have experienced a moderate amount of hardships. My mom became very sick, as a result, she’s currently in a nursing home. I have a strenuous full time in the medical field, get off work & visit my mom daily. When I go, I’m the one that’s physically taking care of her being as though that’s what I did when she was living at home & it just comes natural, especially when the aids leave her sitting there because they know I’m showing up to do her anyway.
I’m emotionally & physically drained. She relies on me everyday to visit, toilet & bring her food & I feel sooooooo overwhelmed.
6 months ago I met someone great, I thought the progressive relationship was going somewhere, until he dissapeared out of nowhere. He was the one I used to open up to & distract myself with fun things when I was at my wits end because he’s also a sometimes caregiver. I felt like he was the only positive thing in my life that I looked forward to, now I no longer have that.
Most men want sex from me & not a relationship. So, once they find out that I’m actually not having sex without a commitment of at least a gf title, they dissapear.
I also have a very toxic relative who’s always sharing his burdens with me, expecting me to fix his financial mistakes.
I have had a string of bad luck that’s making me be more of a pessimist. I’m not going to be optimistic because when you are, you set yourself up for harder dissapointment.
After being single for all my life, dating several men, & finally meeting someone I connected with, only to get ghosted/dumped was the final straw for me, & at this point it hurts to even breathe. Everyday is like groundhogs day.
I’ve always had suicidal tendencies, but they have been exasperated with the recent hardships.
I’ve thought about the portable generator in the backseat of a vehicle, what do you guys think about that?
That’s the method that young boy, Conrad Roy used,and he obviously succeeded.
I keep re-reading the articles detailing his death to pick up on things I can incorporate & succeed in my suicide, & the only thing that’s stopping me is spending 500 bucks on one only to not knowing how to operate the generator.