With Kirsten Dunst and it’s the story of another planet colliding into earth. The movie made me think of how I don’t have “special people” to cuddle under a stick tent with as the world ends, and how nothing has any meaning anyway because it all gets destroyed. I hate thinking about how short life is; it makes me want to go and squeeze the love out of every person I see and suck their souls out like a death eater until I’m satisfied. How does one really “live” enough?
I’m 23 years old and I have one year of college left. I am getting a double major in two major arts fields that probably won’t get me a job. I have absolutely no money and am completely dependent on my parents; living at home right now while I take classes. I can’t stand being dependent on them and constantly feeling like I “owe” them. They still try to control me in many ways. It didn’t bother me until this summer but now it’s really getting on me…I feel like I am suffocating. I am already depressed and the fact that I don’t even own my own life makes me want to end it. I could take out financial aid for some of my college and get a job I suppose. I just hate myself for being this loser half-formed being. Advice?
The thought of death is soothing. I don’t want to die but I’m afraid of being alive. I’m afraid I’m never going to get out of this. I’m afraid of everything and I want to be alone for a long, long time away from everyone. Everything feels meaningless. Even loving or helping people sounds meaningless. I can’t find a point. I’m tired of trying.
I’m alone all the time. Other people my age go out and have fun…I don’t have hardly any memories I can recall. I didn’t even do anything on my 21st birthday…was alone and depressed. Wouldn’t anyone think I was the most uninteresting, worthless person in the world if they knew I spend all my nights sitting alone on my bed at night, crying most of the time saturated in misery? Aren’t I wasting this precious life and youth I’ve been given? I would have friends and fun but I can’t. I don’t connect with anyone. I lost the guy I was in love with because I was a bummer and he doesn’t give a shit anyway just wanted the sex. I’m afraid of everyone and everything and I just want to hide because I can’t connect with them. I never have anything to say nor do I want to talk. I can’t take this guilt and hatred for myself any more, it’s eating me up. I want to feel okay.
I hate myself and I feel like a complete loser. I used to think I was somewhat pretty, but now I feel ugly, especially on the inside. I feel disgusting and dirty like I murdered someone. I am taking summer classes because I decided I just had to double major in another useless liberal arts field and it’s hard not to compare myself to people out having adventures and experiencing life. I don’t think it’s that lame to stay in school necessarily but for some reason I feel like I’m horrible for staying at home with my parents with no money or job, crying like a baby every day over how unhappy I am and thinking of myself all the time. I don’t try anything new, and I don’t know what I want to do any of the time, and I burn bridges with everyone and am terrified to see them in public. I can’t even rationalize why I feel disgusting and unworthy and hate myself but I’m unhappy because everything feels pointless and I don’t feel I can connect with anyone. Even interactions with my so-called couple of friends feel shallow and like I have to hide myself. I’m afraid of everything and everyone. I need some hope, I’m only 22 but I feel like an old person, like I’m almost in the grave already. I just want to feel better but I’ve been trying for a while and I don’t know what to do anymore.
Every day feels less meaningful and I’m trying so hard to be positive but I feel like I’m just wearing down. I pretend to be happy around people and the only ones who I can tell about how empty I feel is my counselor and my mom, but she rolls her eyes and gets irritated when I bring up these things. I don’t have any relationships that have any degree of intimacy. I just want to be able to be honest with someone and to be myself. I’m tired of waiting for it to happen though and I just want to be happy without needing things to happen. I don’t feel pretty inside: I feel guilty and disgusting, like I committed a monstrous crime or like I’m just not worth existing. Everything feels without purpose and I can’t stop despising myself for all the opportunities I’ve missed because I’m afraid of everyone and want to hide from the world. I feel like such a loser because my friends are traveling and getting married and what am I doing? Living at home with my parents and staying in school an extra year, like a timid helpless baby. I’m just so tired of trying and I don’t know where to look anymore.
I’m so unhappy. I feel there must be something wrong with me in that I don’t have any friends or relationships, I have no one to talk to and I’m desperately in love with a person who does not give a shit about me. I feel worthless and guilty all the time and it’s devouring me. I can’t accomplish anything without being moderately intoxicated. I hate myself and feel like I don’t deserve to be alive. I try to change my thinking and I can’t seem to stop it, but I want to feel better so badly. I just want to feel okay with myself but it seems I can’t no matter how hard I try. I can’t think about anyone except myself anymore and the worst part is I’m not even a kid anymore, I’m almost 23 years old yet I feel like a helpless baby. I want to escape but I don’t have any money, I completely depend on my parents and I spent all the money I did have on “healthy food” this past school year, hoping that would make a difference. I want to change and be happy again…please help. I really like when people respond to my posts, it is probably the honest communication (or communication period) that gives me some hope. I’m really selfish, maybe one day I’ll be able to help someone else with their issues, but right now ‘one day’ doesn’t even feel like it could exist without being a continuation of this hell I’m in.
I have become increasingly withdrawn from people in the last few months and in doing so I have improved my physical health and acquired new hobbies of reading and piano, which I neglected for a long time. I’m in college now, but I was wrapped up in a materialistic/superficial mindset ever since middle school and I feel like I’m just starting to get to know myself again. So I feel good about these growing aspects of myself but am constantly plagued by guilt of questioning whether I’m an “evil” or bad person…I know these can be symptoms of depression. I don’t feel that I can handle having relationships right now because I don’t feel that I have anything to give anyone right now…Then I question myself and think maybe I’m just being selfish. Truthfully, I want to be selfish… I just want all my time to myself so I can work on my hobbies and feel better about myself and then when I do talk to people I will feel comfortable because I have something to say. I want to go to class, do my work, and then do whatever I want the rest of the time with no other socializing. I just don’t believe I’m going to resolve my unhappiness outside of myself. Yet I feel that I should be constantly trying to “help” or please someone and that I don’t deserve everything I have. What do you think I should do?
I’m only 22 but I feel as though it is too late for me to be anything or do anything with my life. I feel that everyone is much smarter than me and that they know something that I don’t. I observe the way my peers interact, the jokes they share and I feel like I can’t get it and I’m just a little kid. I don’t keep up with current events or anything because I hate reading the news and I have no motivation. I wish I could just do a few years over again so I could make myself different.
I’m 22 years old and have a year left in college…I don’t really have any close friends and had a tough break up recently. I cry a lot because I’m depressed and lonely I guess and have thoughts that I’m awful and unworthy all the time and a feeling that there’s nothing I can do to change it. I try to be passionate about my artwork but have begun to question whether that has any meaning or value whatsoever. I used to get enjoyment from that but for some reason I’ve been stuck thinking that it’s wrong to be passionate about something that doesn’t involve other people directly, and if I don’t have any relationships anyway then my whole life is empty and not worth expressing.