Well, apparently I’ve been a bit different in the past few weeks and someone has noticed. I want to tell them what’s going on, but I can’t explain four years of pain, addiction and depression to someone who hasn’t seen that side of me, I mean not in one conversation anyway. Someone already told me to talk about, actually two people have but I don’t wanna talk about it because last time I did, they walked away. I just have this contradicting feeling that it will happen again. Maybe it’s just paranoia or anxiety coming back but I don’t want to say anything. I came so far without any help from anyone even though I know I’ve needed support for years. It’s either I spill it or die. Maybe I could run off and disappear. Not many would even notice. I could clear my head or die without anyone realising right away. There’s just too many things going on in my head to bear at this point. Maybe I should just pull the plug and quit. I could finally be at some kind of peace and be done with it all. I know no one is going to read this so I’m not really sure why I’m posting it. I just want to shut it off. I want to get these thoughts out of my head. I need my cousins out here so I can connect with someone like me rather than someone who doesn’t understand. I’m wasting my time writing this. No one will read it anyway.
It will never heal the pain or destroy the divide that I created. I can’t change that and it will be the death of me. A void that I still don’t understand has leaf me to finally understand that love doesn’t exist and happiness is pretty much fake. A smile is a mask and that’s just the way it is.
I’m too young for this garbage. It’s time for a change. Suicide IS an option. An option I intend to use.
I wish peace was as easy to obtain as so many people think.
I just can’t keep waiting for something to happen. I think if my cousin doesn’t visit this summer, I’m done with it all. To hell with life. This world is fucked and they don’t need me. If they wanted me to stay, it would be clear. The light is gone because of me and I’m not spending another six years looking for another one. History won’t repeat itself again because I have control and I’m gonna use it in the way I should have when this started. All I need is one thing and I can just disappear for good. That’s all I need. That’s all I’ll ever need, one thing because I don’t believe in love or bliss anymore and this is what I need to do in order to finally be at peace. I can finally leave everyone alone, I’m just a burden and a hassle anyway. Remember, if there’s a disease, people try to destroy it. Well, I’m doing it for them. For Amber. For my family. For everyone from the war of 2012. For me. For anyone that I may just hurt in the future and for the people who deserve happiness more than me. For the whole world. 2009-2016 that’s my sentence and that’s that. I won’t suffer anymore.
My one and only love and saviour
It’s better than pain.
Ya can’t love someone who can’t love anything at all. Remember that.
I started one of the same drugs that the only person who’s ever cared got me out of. Nothing is left and I don’t think I can go on much longer. I’m sorry for everything I’ve ever done. Why am I not aloud to say that to their faces? I don’t think the war is over and I’m losing. I’m losing so bad, I’m surprised I’m still alive. I should have gone through with it years ago. One O.D. and I could’ve been gone. Safe. Free. Finally at peace. If I can’t have forgiveness, give me bliss. Give me peace just long enough to say “I beat this hell.”
Really depressed and pissed off again. I’m not sure why this happens, but it sucks. Hopefully I can put an end to it eventually. I mean, I want to move on, but I can’t. I can’t keep listening to everyone telling “It will get better.” “You can make it through.” I just wanna sink and be done with this brutal Rollercoaster of pain.
This is not life, it’s a huge lie. If I’m too weak to handle it, so be it because I’m done with it all. Everything I’m trying isn’t working anyway. The definition of of insanity is trying the same thing expecting a different result and I am doing just that. It’s time to try something new.
I’m going through it and that’s that. When? I don’t fu*king know but it will happen one way or another and that’s that. If anyone tries to stop me, I’ll take them with me. This isn’t life and that’s a fact. I’ve hurt so many people, I’ve lost count and I’m paying for it. This is just too expensive for even what I’ve done and I don’t wanna pay anymore.
I can’t apologize, I can’t go back, if I could I would. I’d go back and Kill myself before it even started and be done with it. I’d watch myself bleed and just die. This is a load of crap that I don’t deserve. I just want out. I’m sinking and am just ready to put it to end. The insanity stops now.
In the process of deciding if I should go through with it again but I want to find a better method. No suggestions whatsoever.
Off subject but how do you post videos?
I genuinely appreciate those who have read my posts and hope you can make it through your wars. But I don’t think I will. I fought it twice and I don’t have the strength to do it again.
Why can’t my life be as beautiful as the ones I ruined once we’re? I walk alone and there is nothing I can do about it. Yes, I’ve tried and there are no options. I’m still as indecisive and fed up as I was 4 days ago. 4 days ago, I don’t even know what I miss out on. If I had what I want, “BANG!!!” is the last thing I would hear. But one thing I can’t figure out is why I have to bear the very pain and agony I have suffered. Why I have to watch everyone be happy as possible and I’m still sinking. Why I can’t just escape this hell I created. Why everyone and everything I loved had to go. Why? Why? WHY ME?! I have no idea. My sentence began before I even committed the crime. If anyone reads this, just know I would give my life that one day I seem to always mention in these posts. I can’t stop thinking about it. About her.
I wish this is just a nightmare and one day, I could just wake up.
If I could go back for a day, I would change everything. My life is a story full of secrets and lies. My life is a huge lie. When people ask me what’s wrong, I just say I’m tired and they fall for it every time. What the hell, people? I want to vent, but I don’t trust anybody and the last time I said anything, they walked away. They walked away because I lied. I want to go back and fix it, but I can’t because I’m not worth it. Why do I have to endure all the pain and stress of this mess? I may be guilty, but I don’t deserve this. No one does. I quit it all. If I had the chance, I would take it, I just don’t know what I would say or do and if anyone reads this, which I doubt anyone will, just know, I would still give my life to see the one person that saved my life once already just one more time before I die. Is that really too much to ask?
I just want my life back. I lost it years ago and I miss it. I just want Amber to forgive me but she never will. My family is pretty much gone because most are just too selfish to even talk to anyone. They do nothing but fight and ***** about how shitty their lives are, but they don’t know how bad it can really be. I mean, they could be like me. Some are, but they are fighting it. They have the very willpower and persistence that I just can’t find anymore. I don’t deserve forgiveness or happiness and I can recognize it.
I guess only time will tell if this is the right decision.
I have no idea. If I live and dig deep, I don’t know what I will find, but I know it can’t get worse. I don’t even know if I’m gonna live until 8am tomorrow. I wish I did.