Death dwells in the shadow just at your shoulder. You invited it in, you dined with it, you bathed with it, you lay with death.
Consumed by and consuming, death becomes both a path and a destination for you.
You write a final letter, a final note, and gulp down a bottle of pills, hoping it will all be over soonâ€¦
But not long for as you soon take you final stepâ€¦
You call for help.
But wait, this makes no sense?
Why would you wish for death, plan for death, and attempt to kill yourself only to give up and try to save yourself in the last few moments of life?
This is the true nature of suicidal ideation;
Yes, profound physical or emotional pain, can drive you to begin to think about killing yourself just to ease that pain, literally trading your life for an end to suffering.
It makes sense that once pushed far enough our bodies and minds seek a final solution, a final exit.
But it also holds true that once we reach the threshold we often reach out to any that can help us, a final act of self preservation. It is for this very reason that help lines exist, to take advantage of our innate need to survive.
We call this confusion over wishing to die while clinging to life Suicidal Ambivalence.
This is what brought us together here.
The important idea here is that even when you may feel that you hate life and that you wish for an early death, suicide is really just the last coping mechanism you may have left.
The more depressed and disordered your thinking, the easier it may be to fall prey to suicidal thoughts.
As your stress and anxiety increase, your need to find relief increases and your usual ways of coping, cutting, meds, drinking, drugs, may not bring relief.
From this perspective, suicide actually makes sense. It really is a quick inexpensive way to stop the unbearable pain of a life scourged by abuse, trauma, torment, and mental illness.
Is it crazy to want to stop your pain?
Is it crazy to want peace?
Is it crazy to feel suicidal?
It is your body and minds most drastic coping strategy, a final exit strategy.
The tragic side to this is that although most suicidal people wish for an end to suffering through death, they probably donâ€™t want to actually be dead.
If you came to this site feeling like your life is over, thinking and planning to kill yourself, wishing for and end to pain and anguish, ask yourself this question:
IF I COULD TRADE MY SUFFERING FOR A PEACEFUL LIFE, AND STAY ALIVE, WOULD I?
You are not crazy.
You deserve a life free of pain.
You can have a life free of suffering.
You do not have to die.
for almost a year I have been away from this dark haven,
I have returned.
(I am a peaceful soul)