thebends

doped up on pills and babbling into the void just for the sake of giving myself some reading material when i sober up. I wonder if M is dead. The last thing she told me was that she had relapsed on heroin and I never heard from her again. She didnt want to die. Not like the others. What a fucking shame it would be if she’s dead. but i guess we all saw it coming. Is it normal to have so many friends who are dead? I have more dead friends than living ones.

D’s funeral was surreal. Snapshots are all I remember. Beginning with […]

today i was reminded of an old friend who always said the key to a happy life is being the big fish in a small pond. fuck that. How can you be truly happy knowing your greatest accomplishments are just piss in a puddle? More to the point, how can you be happy without earning the respect of people you respect?

thats the problem with small ponds. if you’re truly the ‘big fish’ then all the little fish around you are just toadies & sycophants, kneeling to your greatness but they would just as soon kneel to a velvet elvis. Fuck this little shit town and […]

this is so ridiculous because I know exactly what will happen, I know what would stop it, but without it the destruction is inevitable. When I say destruction I mean (yet another) relapse into SH and drugs and suicidal agony that lasts about 3 days. Predictable like clockwork. Something triggers me (like it did just now), and I have about 2hrs to break the spiral otherwise I resort to that nasty stuff.

Talking, logic and words won’t help. So this is really a pointless rant. There has to be a physical interruption in my destructive routine. A knock at the door and someone diverting my attention […]

for the life of me I cant figure why cant pull my shit together. All i have to do is get off my ass and do the work, then I get everything I ever wanted. or at least things will be set in motion. Yes its a shitload of work but Im no stranger to shitloads of work. Ive accomplished almost every goal I ever set but this last one is

too much?

no actually its the easiest. I’m just wiped out. years of being beat down, by others, by myself, by the gods by the demons whatever, years of being beat down have taught me to […]

me: fuck i just got triggered real fucking fucking bad

nobody:

me: i mean real motherfgucking bad my worst nightmare is happening

nobody:

me: im trying to hold on with everything ive got but thats not enough. not today. ive done all the things they tell you to do in a crisis. its not working its not fucking working

nobody:

me: idgaf i should just go back to my sh and my pills if thats all i got

nobody:

me: i mean is that a good idea

nobody:

me: seriously will it be better to just suffer thru this and wait for it to go away? or wiull it keep amplifying? the bridge is just […]