thebends

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There’s no reason to feel good about this but when an outcome is inevitable you have to make the best of it. I’ve amassed an impressive stash of shit. It’s kinda hilarious because I don’t have enough money in the bank to pay for next week’s groceries, but I have probably $200k worth of hoarded shit. Yes I’m a hoarder, but I guess you’d call me a white collar hoarder lmfao. Everything from rare paintings to autographed 1st editions to other “lost” items I won’t name; these are things I horded when the world thought they were worthless, or failed to recognize “holy shit that’s […]

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Imagine you’re on the ground getting beat up. Your attackers keep hitting & kicking you no matter what, they don’t stop just because you’re down, and they never seem to tire. In this moment, are you gonna call a doctor? Fuck no. You’re going to call the cops or Batman or whatever. But doctors, ambulances and therapists won’t stop the beatings, they can only help AFTER the attackers have left you alone.

Mental health professionals love to assume that you yourself are the “attacker”. How many times have you heard “you have to want to get better” and “you need to change your attitude” and all […]

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Everyone here knows about coping tricks, those things we’re forced to do 24 hours a day just to make it through the day. Things that the average person hardly needs or thinks about, but here we are scrambling for any new miracle cure like lepers to snake oil salesmen.

Like the title says, I’ve reached the point where destructive coping tricks are the only ones that work. I don’t know what that means, but it’s something that’s painfully clear in my life. I was wondering if anyone has an explanation or similar experiences.

All the healthy things, I do those too. I do literally everything in the […]

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I have my news feed set to ignore all the political BS and put space stories at the top. This is my pathetic attempt to look up at the stars, since I live in an area so full of light pollution & air pollution that I can barely see the moon. Anyway this weekend’s nerd news is hopping about a distant black hole ripping a star to ribbons with astronomers capturing images.

But wtf, things don’t get much more depressing than this. It’s as if the universe itself is proclaiming: you’re fucked one way or the other. Whether you’re starving, being evicted, bullied, abused, persecuted, excommunicated, […]

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Sorry for the post explosion. Bad morning. Bad day. Bad life.

We tend to find our niches in life. Safe places among kindred souls. Bubbles that protect us from the cruel chaos of the whole shitshow called reality.

I managed to find a small cove where I feel really comfortable because I’m good at what I do in that domain. I don’t feel like talking about what it is… For the sake of discussion let’s say it’s building bridges out of toothpicks, or something equally worthless (apologies to toothpick bridge builders).

So you’d think a bizarre specialty like that would attract like minded individuals who, at the very […]

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I’m pretty sure most of us here understand the feeling of loneliness, the kind that kills you. Have you ever really analyzed why you’re lonely?

It’ll be different for everyone. But maybe some of you know this situation… The real reason why I’m alone is because I’m not trying. And the reason why I’m not trying is because it seems so pointless to play the relationship game when they all seem to end the same way. This disease of depression, or self-destruction, or whatever brought you to this site, will destroy any relationship you get into. That’s what my brain keeps reminding me. Because 10 times […]

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Been a while. Many changes in my life, no changes in my death.

These are all the things they told me to do (“they” being everyone from therapists to self-help books to total strangers, basically everyone who had a suggestion). I did them all. My reward? A desire for suicide stronger than it has ever been.

1. Quit alcohol (2 and a half years, not a drop) – this is the #1 thing everyone tells you to do. I’ve read books and articles that go so far as to allege that alcohol is the only reason for suicide. So I put this at the top of my […]

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Motivation speech to kill myself. Feel free to read along, comment, etc.

I was supposed to do this in May. I was ready mentally and physically to end this once and for all. What stopped me was a stroke of good luck. A stroke of incredible luck which, at the time, seemed like the my chance for a brand new life. This, I came to realize, wasn’t the case. It did change things for the better but only in the sense that it was like finding a glass of water in the desert. You gulp it and feel relief, but you’re still in the desert.

So we’re […]

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If any of you have ever called the suicide prevention line, you probably know that their strategy is to convince you that your life has value. I suppose they assume that this revelation will stop you from killing yourself. When I figured this out, I told them “Yes, I know that my life has value, but that doesn’t change the fact that I want to throw it away.” This effectively ended the conversation because the counselor had no idea how to proceed, so I thanked her for her time and hung up.

Am I a total aberration, even within the suicidal world? Or can someone please […]

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That quote is from a news story about a man who killed himself on the train tracks last week. Something about that description really affected me. For lack of a better word, it impressed me. I can only hope that’s how I’ll go when it’s my time. No panic, no second thoughts, no backing out. Just look up, see the train coming, and lie back down.

The man’s backstory is the disturbing part. Authorities had trouble tracking down his family because no one had heard from him (or bothered to check) for years. Yet they all knew he struggled with depression and alcohol/drugs. The woman who […]