gods joke

There’s a guy my SO prefers I wouldn’t talk to. 100% understandable.

Well my SO was a little busy so I went to where I talk to the other guy. I was thinking “maybe I’ll message him and see how work is going”.

In this same moment I was also changing the radio station because the oldies were on and while I like them, I like them on my time. The very first song that plays. Literally nothing else, I changed it the second this song started. Mr brightside by the killers.

Yeah….. I decided to not message the other guy and messaged my SO instead. I can’t […]

On the one hand:

I want to get better. I hate these cravings and thoughts that control me. I want to be my own person not a bunch of disorders (please don’t tell me I’m not, that shows a lack of understanding in my case). I want to live a happy life with my straight SO (straight as in he doesn’t drink or do drugs or anything)

On the other hand:

I hate this. The cravings that can be so easily satisfied and gone. The thoughts I can drown in. Idc idc idc I just want to drown. I just want to be hurt and used. I want […]

My friend is right but the worst part is I thought it before she said it. I get you probably aren’t doing it on purpose but that doesn’t change the fact you are. It doesn’t matter what I do, the only way “we” are going to work is clearly if I follow every little fucking thing that you want. I’m done.

I’m going to go back to smoking up

I’m going to go back to drinking

I’m going to go back to cutting

Whether or not I take my meds is up to me

I’m going to talk to any guy I want

I better be dying if they’re taking me […]

I cant figure out why I should bother with sobriety in the first place.

My SO isn’t feeling like much of an SO lately…

I know he’s upset because he’s worried but those emotions are making me feel like I should keep things to myself. That’s the opposite of what an SO is suppose to make you feel. They’re suppose to make you feel like you can talk to them. They’re suppose to hug you and say it’s ok. When you fall instead of getting disappointed that you did they’re suppose to pick you up and say it’s ok try again.

But I’m feeling like I’m better off […]

I’m tired of people saying they care and then not being there for me.

You just care that I’m not dead.

I don’t want to eat today. I already had a drink, that probably won’t be my last. I’m going to roll one here in a moment… Idk, i might cut. At least it would be a different pain…

i wish time would pass faster… maybe that wont do anything though…
i miss you but…. im sorry. i just cant talk to you. if you wanted to message me sure, ok ill think about it. but i know youre not going to.
im better off with an isolated life anyway.

i dont want to be honest. i dont want to talk about it. but i dont want to keep it to myself either.

i want to get higher, i feel horrible. i want to stop feeling. idk, i want to stop but at the same time i want to drown. i just want it to stop…..

addictions are horrible….mental illness encouraging the addiction is horrible…..

i dont want to be the girl thats struggling. the one with addictions. the one dealing with abuse.
im fine

(TOAD – RX)

God fucking damn it. I thought it was only the second day. I thought i was suppose to be taking it today. I dont understand what happened, where the day went? I was keeping track. Every day i told myself “ok you just took your pill yesterday” or “you need to take it tomorrow”.

I fucked up…… Part of me says take my pill and just continue like it’s fine, of course there’s that part of me that wants to say fuck it, i don’t give a shit.

I remember some times you would be doing something and you wouldnt be able to answer me right away for whatever reason. and id panic….. youre doing something better. youre not going to come back. you hate me.
for…..no reason except you didnt message me back right away…
which makes me feel needy, which makes me hate myself

it always leads back to self hate, doesnt it?

When I was younger, 13ish, my “father” said it was my fault that people didn’t hangout with me. He said it was my fault my cousins father didn’t want her hanging out with me….

i should have been doing something enjoyable for the past 2hrs with my SO….instead ive been getting high and drunk and havent said a word….
i ruin everything….

i think “i dont feel so good” means its time to put it down…. my head, my chest..i dont feel good. my SO went to bed, i wonder if ill message him tomorrow or if ill stay in this shell.. i cant tell him about my drinking, he worries enough. and i just make it worse….

“sometimes it just bounces off you”
should i even bother still mentioning things if its pointless??

“what doesnt kill you makes you stronger”
what they dont mention is whether or not that wound is still open. if its healed then yeah your stronger, but if youre constantly struggling all youre doing is keeping your head above water as the weight gets heavier. the wound isnt closed and is just reopening/getting worse. going through things doesnt always makes you stronger….

It doesn’t matter how many times they say “you’re not bothering me” if they’re doing something else no matter how unimportant you know that task is, it’s more important then you. It doesn’t matter if you have a blade to your arm or a gun to your head, everything is more important then you. “ok then I won’t bother you” I’ll deal with it myself….. Somehow

you want to support them. you want to tell them “thats totally awesome” “i hope you have fun” “i know you can do it” but while you say it, you push away the tears. you push down the pain raising in your chest. you want to support them but all you see is them away from you. supporting, feels a lot like pushing away, and you dont want to push them away, but you dont want to not support them either. so you hide what youre feeling, knowing supporting them, even if it means pushing them away, is whats best. you love them […]

“I feel hurt because….” but you know you’re the one with the problem so you brush it off. “it’s nothing important” You keep telling yourself it’s not important, allowing them to continue the behaviour that made you feel hurt. Causing you to feel more and more abandoned. But it’s your own fault. You fall farther and farther. Feeling more and more alone. Feeling less and less important. But what can you do, when you know you’re the problem.

I find it concerning that just like last time, the very clearly copied lies are still here, but the ones standing up to them isnt. This doesn’t exactly feel like a safe place when lies are allowed.

Theres this new Mental Health Support discord. It is for when you need someone to talk to in the moment. You can use it as a place to recover or just as a place to get support in the moment.

https://discord.gg/dG4g5QQsd2

I know a big one is “suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem” the problem with this one being, it’s not always a temporary problem.

I’m curious what some unhelpful phrases you have heard are?

I want to put a bullet through my head. I fucking hate living. There’s no point in trying to better my life. I don’t give a fuck how much I drown myself in it as long as I’m drowning.