thedevilisclose

They made fun of my letters.

G – “that looks like C7.”

O- i remember writing pages and pages of os. They looked like 6s. On the plus side i can make a perfect circle now?

They still trigger me. I cant not remember. It hurts when your own parents laugh at you.

If she ever wants to come back into my life she should have to pass a test. A test shes sure to fail but would prove a lot if she didnt.

Name every mistake youve ever made:

while i dont believe anyone should be desensitized to anything, some times one has to be to survive. and some times its best for these people to step down and allow those mentally capable to fight their battle.

rest, take a break.

‘do not drink with alcohol! ‘

Some times on the weekends, when I’m drinking, I’ll have an energy drink.

The way I’m doing it, the chances of anything happening is slim. But maybe one night, I’ll have one drink too many.

Drinking accident vs suicide *shurgs shoulders* I can’t see much of a difference. I probably wouldn’t even be drinking (or at least as much as I do) if I wasn’t suicidal.

I’ve read a lot. People just sharing their stories, stories I’ve gone searching for. Everything I’ve read has 1 thing in common. They’re barely, and in most cases not even aware that they’re dying. Unconsciousness is bliss.

Everything is dark. A feeling of peace washes over your still body as you take your first breath. The air crisp as your body comes to life. Your eyes opening, met by a blinding light. As your eyes adjust you see a bright blue. You sit up and see nothing but grass and families for miles. And animals of all colors and sizes*. Everyone’s smiling and laughing. Just enjoying the day. People running back and forth between the groups, socializing with everyone. And you know “it’ll be ok now”

*no need too eat so the carnivores don’t have to eat others. eek!

I can’t talk to you without a reminder why this isnt working/not going to work.

We’re just different.

“I’m not all about money”

(talking about pet rocks)

I said I’d add dresses and whatnot to them. I said this because I thought it would be cute. He turns it into all about money, “yep might as well get all you can out of it”.

We aren’t alike. We’re too different and I REFUSE to let you turn any of my projects into your get rich quick schemes. My stepfather already tried that bullshit, I’m sorry I have morals.

That is exactly what I needed.

I felt like shit. I had just thrown my new kitchen lighting across the place and hit the window. I just wanted to die. I was so fucking done with my brain bullshit, don’t get me wrong I still am, however as a hold over until my therapists appointment that did nicely. I rolled 6 joints, about the amount I have in a day, it’s 4-5 but I felt like shit so rolled an extra just in case. I didn’t know how long I was going to be gone just that I was probably going to be back by night fall. I left and got to thinking about a wooded area close by. I went to check it out, hung out there alone with my thoughts, my lighter, my keys and my joints. I only ended up smoking 1 joint, but I also haven’t eaten in about 24hrs. I didn’t really accomplish anything. My brain still feels hectic but I don’t really care.

Is it the joint? Probably. Most likely. It would almost be stupid for me to say it’s not and completely stupid to not even think it’s a probability. But idc. I just need to keep it cool until my therapist appointment.

My life is a mess….

But it wasnt…

Not once did I say or do anything. I even fucking encouraged it! And the one time I did say no, it was followed by a threat and then I assume a chance lost as we stopped hanging out shortly after due to me being kicked out.

I have so little freedom that I can’t even check my phone without overthinking it. Feared that he’s going to judge me for being “obsessive”. When in reality I’m either checking it because everyone has different time zones so maybe I got a message while I was sleeping (you just woke up and you’re eating *gasp* it’s obsessive) or I’m bored. Because yeah being obsessive and bored is the same thing.

Really I do but I feel restricted. I know you don’t mean to and I know you’re trying to get better at helping me but right now I think what I need is breathing room….

This is part of the reason I need to take a break for the time being. I don’t have a voice. I can’t do what I want.

Example. I want to purchase a phone. But I can’t or should I say won’t. I’m not sure if he’d have a problem with it. But whenever I try to do something he’s always pointing out what’s ‘wrong with it’. I’m not a child. Don’t do that. So I don’t want to hear it and end up just not bothering. In my current relationship dynamic I do not feel like an equal.

i want to take a trip through the stars. i want to know who i am.

IDFC by Blackbear

“Tell me pretty lies
Look me in the face
Tell me that you love me
Even if it’s fake
‘Cause I don’t fucking care, at all”

i dont believe you….but i dont care, i miss hearing it….

I want to feel the edge of the blade on my skin,

As blood falls like rain.

I want to stand on the edge of a cliff,

Daring Death to bring me home.

but he never not talks to me. and just after he proved to me that he cared.

i messaged him yesterday and of all things i was talking about my appointment. i dont even know if he knows i didnt go today.

he was messaging. really short one word messages but at least it was something. and then it just stopped. i havent gotten another message since. not even a goodnight .

im sure theres a logical reason. im sure hes just busy. but he never not messages….just….anything would be nice so i know for sure i havent driven him away.

I’ve never been homeless. I’ve never been an orphan. However I am emotionally homeless, as I have yet to find a place that completely feels like home. Although I am still grateful for how close I’ve come to feeling home. I am emotionally an orphan, as those that I thought were my parents… Never really loved me. Although I am still grateful for the family I have made.

I am emotionally homeless. I am emotionally an orphan. And it still hurts. While I will not compare it to actually being as I have never been, that does not make the pain I feel from both any less.

Opened up YouTube (not logged in) and this was in my face. Decided to give it a listen then decided to share.

Why do you cut?

To feel pain. I hate myself. I deserve it. I shouldn’t be alive.

Why do you drink/smoke up?

To stop feeling. The pain hurts too much.

Getting lost in the music….

yep, no question about it now. im an alcoholic. “hubbys not in the room hurry take a drink” and the next thing i know the liter i bought last weekend for this weekend is gone. oops? is it a lot, not really. however lets keep in mind that i cant drink freely. which brings on the next question, how much would i drink if i was able to/alone? idk, most likely more. i hate living, everything about living is working against me and not feeling anymore is a god sent. i hate life. it doesnt even help