You messaged. I should message back. Why? So you can say hey? So the conversation can stop? I want to message but about what? We have nothing to talk about and i feel like I’m better off shutting up anyway.
Ive been getting “randomly” sick for a bit now. Ill have a headache, an upset stomach, and just generally feel like im dying (in terms of how sick i am. Literally curled up on the floor.)
Last night we were watching a hells kitchen episode. One of the contestants laid his head on the counter and i was like “lol he looks like me”. He comes back “the doctor said i havent eaten enough”. I internally drop, “oh shit”. The ‘funny’/worse part, i got my typical sickness shortly after. I ended up throwing up 5-7 times. My husband even noting “theres nothing for you to even throw up”.
Being sick like this sucks but i dont want to gain weight. When i was done throwing up, i was so concerned about my weight that i measured my waist. I like my smaller stomach. Eating anything at all feels like gluttony. But i know im not eating enough (partially on purpose, partially health problems where im just not interested). Suffer with being sick i guess?? Ive been feeling like starting to purge anyway. The question then becomes how long until i pass out and get rushed to ER.
I just blocked my friends again. I went on a random chat as kind of like a whatever thing. And now I’m talking to him offsite and wondering….. What were the chances? Is this a sign to move on? I’ve already destroyed what i had with my friends… With them i feel horrible but away from them i miss them.
I’m going to hate myself if i continue with this…. :'(
But, it gives me a blank slate. I’ll just hide my disorders. I can be “normal” like back in school….
He doesnt need to know i cut. That i have “irregular” eating patterns. That i have a drink almost every day. That im almost always high. That i have bpd ect.
Just like in school…. I can go back to a life of ignorance.
update: or not. so i ended up making 2 friends and 1 still doesnt know. the other GUESSED!!! “you must have had a shitty life” (not even close to what was said, paraphrasing). i was talking about making supper and he guessed ive had problems. ok, the first friend still knows nothing and he doesnt know anything is currently wrong.
but a guess…..??? and talking to the other friend my bpd is SO obvious. i am too broken….theres no way i can hide this forever :'(
i dont even want to see christmas (and yet “hey why dont you invite your mom over for christmas dinner”) i dont even want to see december, but im running out of time so i most likely will. i wish i was dead and forgotten already
Im dealing with ptsd tonight. And i just cant see how it wasnt my fault. I felt uncomfortable. I knew. But i still kept going back. I continuously chose him over others. Its my fault i almost got r***d…
“LEAVE ME ALONE!!!” she screamed, as the blood ran down her leg. The pain intensifying. “LEAVE ME ALONE!” she yelled, her body growing warm. The feeling of the alcohol flowing through her veins. “LEAVE ME ALONE!” she cried, crashing to the ground in tears. Her mental pain too much to handle.
She just wanted it to be over…
Last night i cut
Last night i smoked up
Last night i drank
Last night i huffed npr
Just leave me alone. Im my own downfall. You cant save me.
“i would have stayed up with you all night, had i know how to save a life”
sadly its more complicated then that….
Growing up my stepdad had me working outside, my mother was braiding my hair. BPD on its own comes with identity issues, forget the parents wanting something but not getting it. sometimes i dont mind doing my hair or painting my nails. sometimes i want to go work on the car. im female but only when its brought to my attention. for the most part i dont think about it or care.
being both genders but neither kind of had this out of place feeling.
i dont care what other people think/know. i still go by she/her. its easier for others, what im use to and would prefer. he/him, eeeeh no. doesnt hit a homerun with me, it didnt even make it to first base. but i had someone call me sir by accident before and instead of correcting them, i was like “you dont know to check me out, awesome”. and if it matters to the person what i am, then they arent a friend. “im gay” or whatever, should be nothing more then info on the person, not something to make a judgment on.
so going through another bout of “who am i” i decided to go through an lgbt glossary of words, maybe ill find one that fits.
Gender Outlaw: A person who refuses to be defined by conventional definitions of male and female
so what if i do/like both but consider myself neither. and i hate this whole label thing anyway. gender outlaw seems to fit and i like it. i hope my bpd can stay on track with this one, i dont see why not but who fucking knows with bpd.
theres no point in living when i cant do anything. i was thinking that maybe i could save a bit of money, every now and again spend the weekend at a hotel to be at least a little independent maybe, but as in my last post, i cant deal with people. i cant even do that.
how am i suppose to get a job, a place, groceries. i cant do anything. theres just no point in continuing like this
everything about talking to people in person, is unsettling to me. i literally dissociate every time i have to interact with someone. i have no idea what to say. i literally have a script of basic things to say in my head that i go over before the interaction. “just say good morning, here you go and get out of there”. i cant even handle something that basic without feeling like my eyes are inverting. or like theyve sunken to the back of my head. i feel bad if i dont have eye contact because “youre suppose to” but doing it makes me sooooo uncomfortable.
i cant interact with humans at all…
I will always go with the demons…
We’re at the store and i decided i want m&ms so i ran over to let him know. And someone held the door for me while i asked my husband to grab them for me. I feel horrible for not saying thank you. Im sure if i told you why i didnt youd understand…
I have anxiety and there were people in the store and people behind me and you so i was kind of zoned out just wanting to get out of there. Im sorry i didnt say thank you, i wanted to…
It’s looking like i have TGA (transient global amnesia) or at the very least something closely related. Just fucking grand, thank you bpd, you just had to have urges to hit my head off of shit.
My username is holding true. I wonder what bullshit ill have to pile on top next
“suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem”
1) who the fuck are you to tell me my problems are temporary!? I’ll have you know they’re permanent and something I’ll have to deal with my entire life even if i get it straightened out.
2) “your fixes are a temporary fix to my permanent problem” if i go off my meds/stop therapy, if I’m not constantly working on myself, I’m right back where i started. Sounds pretty fucking temporary.
I think these people have their saying backwards and the sad part is, they’ll refuse to understand and just continue to argue about it…. Humans *eye roll*. If you really want to help i have 3 rules
1) sit down
2) shut up
3) open your ears
Don’t just say shit to ‘me’ like it means shit, because it doesnt. If you’re not going to take the time to even understand what the problem is, then you are of no place to give advice. You can’t help something you know nothing about and even if you’re thinking “I’ve dealt with someone that’s depressed before” stop right there and remove that thought from your mind. Everyone is different and sometimes it might be more then just that, so you have to shut up and listen to the person. Why is that so difficult? “I’m suicidal” and the other person is either trying to put a bandaid on an arm that’s hanging there or a cast on a paper cut. Like dude, just shut up for 1 minute and honestly listen.
after looking at what was in front of me last night i decided to message my friends, shits clearly wrong.
anyway that was just added to go into this next part, which i honestly doubt ill get any legit help with 1) lack of people to reply and 2) my bpd so no offense but if you understand the disorder, youll understand why i say help is probably useless so its more of just a vent i guess.
hes special to me. and i dont feel connected to him at all. consider it a LDR. i dont want to be more involved with his life. from what i see he seems like a normal human, which i find highly upsetting (please dont try to be all like “just accept it”, it doesnt work that way). i dont want to be apart of anything. if i asked im sure hed let me join his server or whatever, but i dont want to. what i see is tainted enough. i dont want to see more and just thinking about it makes me want to cry. but i feel disconnected from him. hes just out of reach and i cant reach him…
why do i bother? bpd always causes problems like this where im being torn in 2 with no happy medium. i wish id just give the fuck up already
im hungry. but i dont want to eat. i dont even want to have a drink so i can take an advil for my headache. ill think “im hungry” but then ill look at food and just see weight. ive already dropped basically back down to my school weight. and im just about under weight. (the bmi line being 17-18 and mine is currently 19). i know i dont need to lose weight but i hate how i look so much.
honestly it kind of confuses me. ill see other people talking saying “ive gone (pick an hour under a day) without eating” and im going…..but thats just normal for me…..i can go periods where i wont eat for a couple days and when i do, its barely anything. i typically have to share the rest because its too much. but bpd so i also have moments where i binge, which i guess equals my weight out and why im not underweight yet, but it doesnt help at all with the situation.
I need a drink. I hate living with others. “don’t drink too much”. Why can’t I do what I want? And right now, I want a drink.
Whatever, you’ll be asleep soon.
It is like a puppeteer and i its puppet. Its nothing more then a game. And im losing…
To give it nothing to put on an act for, am i only falling into its trap?
“To choose between your demons and the person who held you down, girl”
Its been 3 days. I havent said a word….
And neither have you.
Youre probably happy. You probably wish i didnt come back. You tell me you love me. You tell me that you care. But im nothing but problems. You say you look past all of that, but that doesnt mean i dont drain you.
You havent checked on me. I never not message you. Giving me space? Or im right and you dont care. Maybe you did at one point, but one person can only handle so much and i know im too much.
I wish i was dead. Then no one would have to put up with me. I guess thats kind of the purpose of this. To be alone so i dont bother others. So i can live in ‘relative’ peace until my day has come.
For a million reasons i can think of why im not worth it. And every day im alive is just another reminder of why i shouldnt be.
Why did i leave? Dynamics. This friend thing isnt working out.
You knew not to check. You knew checking for a message would make you check more. You’re doing so good, just don’t talk to them. I don’t know how to not talk to them
When you can’t do shit, life is either telling you to kill yourself, or suffer.
Wanted to enjoy that show you decided you’d like? Nope! Triggers. You can’t watch that.
That game you’ve been working on the past 2 days straight? All that hard work and most of what you collected? GONE!
Why do I bother with anything? There’s no point if everything I work at, if everything I like, gets shoved in my face like I’m a clown and my likes are a pie….
The villagers in my game even rejected me….. There was a dance and everyone said no. The gifts I tried to give to make friends were mostly hated and the reaction “ew you thought I’d like that!?”
(not even close to believing in God but….) if God existed, I was clearly born just so he could spend his days laughing at me…..
I can’t enjoy anything without being triggered. There is no life when you can’t do anything :'(