thedevilisclose

Why do you cut?

To feel pain. I hate myself. I deserve it. I shouldn’t be alive.

Why do you drink/smoke up?

To stop feeling. The pain hurts too much.

Getting lost in the music….

yep, no question about it now. im an alcoholic. “hubbys not in the room hurry take a drink” and the next thing i know the liter i bought last weekend for this weekend is gone. oops? is it a lot, not really. however lets keep in mind that i cant drink freely. which brings on the next question, how much would i drink if i was able to/alone? idk, most likely more. i hate living, everything about living is working against me and not feeling anymore is a god sent. i hate life. it doesnt even help

So I emailed them yesterday “im out of meds tomorrow”. So I called them this morning. “yep I got your email I’ll fax that out just call the pharmacy tomorrow.”

No you’re not understanding in OUT TODAY!!!!! I don’t have any meds left!!! So help me God if the voices come back I am raising all holy hell!!!!

(deep breath) I just got off the phone with the pharmacist. “I can refill it for you.” for an additional fee. However they also informed me that this medication should stay in my system for 3 days so deep breath I should be fine. I’m calling back tomorrow to see if the fax came in and if it did awesome. It’s only 1 med I’ll be missing. I can start again tomorrow afternoon. One way or another. If the fax doesn’t come in I’m taking the nuclear option and paying the additional fee. Those voices ARE NOT returning

Rickrolled, theo, postalservice, postal, the burrow, 4privetdrive ect…. Banned huh??? I wouldn’t trust anyone you don’t already know they have so many alt accounts.

Seriously not making a scene but they should be gone. Theyve been busted using the same emails for alt accounts and yet still you can’t get rid of them?

Not blaming just confused

It also seems that the abuse they put abandoned through is gone. I’m sorry admin but the fact that the proof is gone and they’re still here really looks like a cover up.

This is not a place to post random stuff on random topics.

Or to login with multiple accounts pretending to be different people.

We have zero tolerance for people who come here for the wrong reasons, or are seeking to stir things up.

While yes, me and several other members are ‘stirring things’ we wouldn’t have to if they were banned months ago. Can you not do a wide enough ban therefore they are getting by with a vpn??

Harassment | the suicide project – suicide stories

this person and ALL of their alt accounts should be banned. they are a troll that doesnt care.

$20 at a time.

I have enough left to pay it all back at once but that would leave me with only $10 (I have ~$90 but I want to take out another $20 for this weekend) “hey can I get $80 in cash even though I have zero way to spend it because covid feels like shunning me for having physical and mental problems” yeah…. No.

However the cats tracker tags are on the way so at least I made a responsible purchase with the money I do have. My coffee on the other hand is still on hold and even though it physically hurts way more then it feels good I’ve resorted to smoking straight kief to save my weed.

Addictions make life so much fun.

“I’ll try to be nicer if you try to be smarter” -my shirt

Misanthropy is the general hatred, dislike, distrust or contempt of the human species, human behavior or human nature. A misanthrope or misanthropist is someone who holds such views or feelings.

You might think I’m a misanthropist, and by definition you might be right. (or there might be another word that fits it better, I don’t know them all) I mean, id love to watch them all burn. However, that labeling is EXACTLY why I feel the way I do. Before you call me or think whatever, I want you to take a minute to think. What is the one thing we all have in common? Having a label we don’t want or not having a label we do want. We’re ugly. We’re fat. We’re black. You name it. They are nothing more then divisions. We all want to be treated the same but have to put ourselves in this little perfect boxes alone by ourselves because once so many “I am” and “I’m not” divisions are made then you are alone. No one is going to be that specific to you. But we all try to be like each other. And then you have the selfish ones. The ones that only think for themselves. Take an old lady walking across the street with some groceries. You can get pissed off and yell at her for being in your way or you can help her across the street, she’ll feel good, you’ll feel good and you’ll help yourself out as well because now she’s out of your way. I’m just saying I can’t be the only one that sees the problem with the human species.

The part in italics I don’t think I got my thoughts out right so if you can understand it then I’m impressed if not then meh. You’re just like everyone else that doesn’t understand a single thing about me. (another reason for me hating the human species because I love being hated for their stupidity like it’s my fault they don’t understand even when I make it very clear.)

And the worse part I can see people hating me for what I said. Go for it, prove my point. I’m sorry for caring about EVERYONE while everyone hates each other.

Cancelled my therapist appointment and now I’m getting drunk.

Lifes BS (I need to put that on a shirt lol)

(looking at footbath) well…. God knows how long we’re gonna be here and after the time I’ve been having I deserve it so fuck it. I’m treating myself to a spa day….. If I can figure out how this work XD.

I get $150 for spending money. I haven’t spent a cent (payday being last friday) and I already owe myself $60. That leaves me $90. And I need $50 for my cats tags in case they get out and a little under $50 for coffee I drink to help with my disorders.

Booze (much like weed) is a wonderful problem maker.

Also if I could make my home page just my stuff (so not the main site like it currently is) that would be awesome however even if that is possible I doubt it would happen considering the mods don’t even seem to be watching their own site anymore. I mean, nothing gets done and someone that shouldn’t be here clearly still is. Apparently what they did wasnt bad enough even though it went on for months and the person they were harassing hasn’t been seen since. I hope they’re ok after all that but I doubt it.

I have 2 buds left. They have to do me for 2 weeks and I can smoke 7g in 1 week. Oh boy money problems, responsbility and addiction are NOT freinds. But knowing how much stress my husband’s in over this I don’t want him helping my addiction when there’s more important things. Like not putting ourselves in dept to eat. Of course what can one expect paying 2 rents and getting fucked over at work so your pay gets cut in half.

You can tell me I’m insane. I can know I’m insane. But it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t change the way I feel, just the way I’m treated.

I want to know you actually love me.

“don’t do that you’ll burn the house down”

Oh! You mean that thing I take extra precautions to avoid because I’m scared shitless of it to the point I thought of putting all my stuff in a brick building?

I’m not stupid so stop fucking treating me like I am. I swear everything I bring up “don’t do that” just shut up. I’m done telling you stuff, because I’m done hearing it.

I’M NOT FUCKING STUPID!

I’m allergic to peas (I know stupid allergy lol). Anyway it was something we’ve known since I was very very little. My ‘father’ (take it for what it’s worth. He lies about the sky being blue I swear) said that, they have been putting peas in my food WITHOUT TELLING ME and saying that I’m fine. First of all, you knew I was allergic and you didn’t tell me!!!!!?? Granted, it wasn’t a horrible allergy. My face got puffy, red, felt weird, that’s about it. I got over it fine on my own. I mean, for all they know I could have gotten more allergic to it over the years and it could have killed me.

This aside, let’s say they did lie and didn’t actually do that. Good, just fucking grand. Now I’m gonna go to a friend’s house and have some because “oh I’m not allergic anymore” and then have an unknown allergic reaction. Yeah, that’s awesome. (might I add I actually like peas.)

Now how do I know all of this. Well because I got curious one day. What about fresh peas? So without telling my then friend I walked over to the garden and said “watch my face” with no warning. I then ate some peas. Paid attention to how I felt and she didn’t notice anything however still had no idea why I asked. “oh yeah I’m allergic lol”. So garden peas are fine and I love them.

However, under the belief garden peas were fine I was at a farmer’s market with my aunt and nanny. “Oh these should be fine”. I didn’t have much. My face started to feel weird. I looked in the mirrior. Yep allergic reaction, I’ll just give this back. (they were my familys. I didn’t give them back to the market lol)

So that’s my fun possibly attempted murder by my own parents story.

I can’t remember exactly which classes now but I do remember being highly annoyed/pissed off.

Gr10. Choosing my classes for gr11. I had everything perfectly picked out in an OCD overthinking fashion. I had my classes planned out so I could get my credits for school and so I could learn what I needed to for my before highschool decided career. I had EXACTLY what I needed.

My homeroom teacher: you’re too smart for work place math. Pick something else.

If I’m too smart for it don’t you think I’ve thought of that? I’m opening a business, why the fuck do I need calc!?

And my parents (specifically my ‘father’) : you should take economics.

Why? I don’t need economics. I know shit all about economics (oh did I mention I’m going into gr11 and its a gr TWELVE class). Yes I took gr12 writing, but I like writing. I’m good at writing. I KNOW SHIT ALL ABOUT ECONOMICS!!! For the time I was there I sat beside the power plug so I could take naps and charge my phone.

Seriously you fucking idiots. If I’m smart enough to take those classes don’t you think I fucking know this!!!!?

Whatever I basically got kicked out that year for having depression and being abused. (yeah I know what awesome systems we have here)

I’ve been dealing with ptsd (x2) and cptsd for 5-6 years. And that was my first ptsd nightmare. I want to throw up. I feel disoriented. My husband’s been asking and I don’t want to tell him. I don’t want him to feel bad. (no it’s not directly his fault). And now I have to make breakfast. Well I don’t have to. Hubby would understand even with limited information. Just… Disorders, I have to (or maybe it’s just the way I am). I’m the wife I have to take care of him. (and no it’s not an abuse ‘have’ to)

Work around…. Just don’t tell him the worse part

I was suppose to be strung up like a puppet soon but my husband woke with a headache….. Maybe another day for now I drink

i am my biggest abuser. every chance im putting myself down. im stupid for doing the things i do. im worthless and a burden for ever saying anything. i shouldnt even be breathing i cant fucking do anything right. if theres something to say, its going to be said.

and the worse part……..she’s right. every word

i cant not hate myself

One might ask you, do you see the glass as half full or half empty.

But…

Both answers are correct. (unless we’re gonna get stupid and start measuring millimeters (liters, depending on how you’re measuring it))