Still struggling. All this time.
I managed to get my life together. I thought I would be happier with a job. With animals. With a boyfriend. It just goes to show you ignoring depression doesn’t work. Now I have more responsibilities.and still want the same. Death. I have been thinking about it more and more. A familiar face. My boyfriend’s apology. And I’m sucked in. UNleash these thoughts and then it is endless for hours and hours, just thinking and researching and wondering. I talk myself out of it at the end of the day. I lose hours and hours to it then. A sick fascination with my own death. I can’t really believe anymore that it is because I want to die. Many parts of me screammmmmmmmmmmmmm in agony that I would end their life.
But my brain. It’s unstoppable. The stream of thought is neverending. I have full control when I think about my suicide. I can control what happens to everything and everyone. They will miss me. They will realize what they did wrong. They will mourn me. They will understand what it was like to be me, finally. They will care. I have to kill myself for them to care. For my mom to care. For my dad to care. For my friends to care.
If that is the case, then why care at all about them? Why care if you have to be dead for them to give a shit about you? Why not just write them right off? Become hard like an indestructible metal. Don’t coddle their anxieties over you feel after they mistreat you again. Don’t let them walk over the ice they have you trapped under. Just fucking go. Go away from them. Start something else. Start somewhere new.
But it’s so hard! IT’S SO FUCKING HARD. LIFE IS NOT A FUCKING DREAM. SOMEONE LIED TO ME. SOMEONE TOLD ME LIFE WAS A FUCKING DREAM. AND THEY LIED. THEY KNEW IT WAS?N’T A FUCKING DREAM. But they didn’t want to be the ones to wake me up. Who wants to wake someone from their wonderful, blissful dream!? So it’s always us. Waking ourselves to the responsibilities of reality and knowing there is no five cheese pizza without consequence. There are no misdemeanors when you offend. You are guilty. Here and now, you are fucking guilty! And this life is a hell. This life I know is a hell.
And someone would tell me I’m still living a dream. And to them I would say fuck you. You have no idea what it is to dream.