I feel like what I’m about to say is going to make people angry.
I want to be sad, well its not like im not already sad its just you know that switch from feeling okay to immensely sad, well I had that and it hasn’t switched back ever since, so now im just in a constant state of sad and depressed thoughts which has (over the years) become my “normal” I don’t know if that makes any sense. What im trying to say is I felt sad everyday for such a long time that it just became my default setting and now instead of feeling okay I just feel sad all the time which now feels like “my okay” but I know im not okay ughhhhh I don’t know but I went ahead and put a label on this feeling I call it “the nothingness” its when you feel sad almost every waking moment of your life that even feeling sad and thinking depressing thoughts just become normal to you and you enter this constant state of feeling nothing.
But there are days where I get sooooo depressed and caught up in thinking that I feel that beautiful wave of immense sadness and depression and instead of crying nothing tears I cry very sad sad tears and feel myself unable to breathe. Sometimes during these moments I feel myself drowning in a bottomless ocean going deeper and deeper or falling into a bottomless pit. I really like these moments of immense depression (obviously it feels like absolute shit in the moment but after I go back into feeling nothing I crave for these moments) its because its better to feel like you’re dying than feeling nothing at all.
I don’t know if this makes me a masochist or not but yea that’s basically it, everyday I feel nothing and think sad thoughts, and yea there are distractions here and there like social media or my books but they never really get rid of this “nothing” feeling, I can barely remember times I actually felt “happy” that word seems so far away and ancient to me now. Although there are times where I trick my brain into thinking im feeling good but it wears off really quickly, sometimes I smile at myself in the mirror to trick my brain into feeling something but it barely works.
I often think about killing myself, I have tried to OD but that was wayyyyyy back in the day when I was like 15, I don’t think I’ve actually tried recently only thought about everyday. Honestly if I had the chance I would but then I think about my mom and the funeral bills and I just don’t want to do that to her you know? I love her a lot and care about her too much to die and leave her tending to my funeral bills. Im already a huge disappointment I dont do well in school and I dont really have goals, I can’t stay committed to one thing for long and I give up very easily, the only thing I do nowadays is read books and im not a smart nerd or anything like that I just really like reading it helps me getaway somewhere nice for awhile.
Im an 18 year old girl and I didn’t graduate highschool this year because my grades were absolute shit, im taking courses right now but im not really doing well in them either, I have no friends and all the friends I had either were super toxic or left me for better friends (im saying “friends” like I had so many but I only had like 2, all the other people who I made conversation with I never really considered a friend cause I know they didn’t give a horses ass about me)
anyways I always felt alone as a child because I always felt no one cared about me, im partly like this because of my abusive dad, who is still abusive and toxic to this day but he’s been okay these past few days I guess. My family ignores his behaviour and tells me im wrong for sticking up for myself and questioning it, he’s hurt my mom a few times in the past and has yelled at her quite recently, she also defends his behaviour and on top of that blames herself when she isn’t even in the wrong, I try to make her understand but she doesn’t listen (just like everyone else in my family).
Suicide is forbidden in their religion ( I say “their” and not “my” because I find myself not wanting to take part in it, not that anyone knows this) everyday my mom tells me id feel better and more alive and happy if I pray but what the fuck is the point?? who exactly am I praying to??? god?? why the fuck is god making me feel like this in the first place?? Everyone in my family says “this life is a test from god, we have to pray and abide by the rules in order to pass it and go to heaven” Like what the fuck?? first of all that’s very fucking selfish of god and second all why the fuck does he even need to do this?? like he’s god so why is he doing this?? for entertainment?? creating a world where people are your pawns and slaves and if they go against you they get punished?? okay im done talking about this ahaha I kind of went on a rampage, had to let it out somehow I guess.
Anyways I came across this site when I searched “smooth passages” because I saw it in this one book about this girl wanting to suicide, basically smooth passages is a site in the book where people who want to suicide come together and meet the people who want to suicide and essentially make plans to commit double suicide together, it was kind of interesting and it peaked my curiosity so I searched it on the ol google search engine expecting to find nothing but articles about the book but I found this and thought maybe it was a site just like the one said in the book but sadly it isn’t.
Even though I would’ve loved to discover a site where I could meet someone willing to suicide with me, but this site aint all that bad, its a distraction from my nothingness (not like anyones going to read this shit).
bye for now, ill update if I feel like it, oh and by the way I shaved my head not that it matters but yea I shaved my head on impulse one night and my mom cried and my whole family acted like I was mental, which is always a breath of fresh air LOOL anyways turns out they cared about my long hair more than I did because I dont give a fuck.