My Psychologie teacher wants to do it as a class activity… And she wants me to open up and tell my story… because she found out that I had gone through things and stuff. Still I don’t want to do it. I mean there’re people who I just don’t want to find out about me… It’s personal.. not for her to share it.
I suppose I should be feeling better. Still everything is going wrong. A part of me wants to stop, a part of me just wants to go. How much longer will this fight continue?
Si fuera más bonita quizás alguien me notaria
Si alguien me notara, quizás no estaría tan sola.
Si no estuviera tan sola, quizas no sería suicida.
Si no fuera suicida, quizas lograría amar.
Si lograra amar, quizas le importaría a alguien.
Si le importara a alguien, quizas sería más feliz.
Si fuera más feliz, quizás sería tonta.
Si fuera más tonta, sería como los demás.
Si fuese como los demás, no estaría sola.
Si no estuviese sola, quizás sería más.
Si fuera más, quizás algo bueno pasaría.
I’m sick and tired of never being ‘that person’. I’m always the ‘extra’, the girl there, the invisible one, the girl that came with someone, the un-existing. I hate myself for that, but I can’t show me as I am with everybody… I believe I’m too weird. I guess it must be that because everybody says that I’m hard to talk to. That I don’t think like everybody, that I’m weird. An outsider. I want someone to care. I want someone to come over and say hey! let’s talk; instead of: Is she your friend? Can you help me with her? I fucking hate my life. I hate everything. My ‘friends’ say that I ‘have them’ but at the end I’m always alone. No one really cares…
I don’t know how to feel about myself right now. I have been doing so many wrong things, just so I don’t feel bad. Just so at the end I feel worse. Too many parties, to many guys… Not so much shots. I feel so lost.
Can’t believe I’ve myself again here. With a new face, a new body, a new name… a new me. Still the same old s* happens. It’s been years since the last time I was here. Can’t believe I’m actually back to be honest. I’ve been trying to avoid my reality, to not overthink it and I just realize that all I did was cheating myself. I’m broken again. I’m empty… again. And all I can think of is disappearing… I just want to be in peace. Am I ever going to get it?