As I sit here alone tonight, this website came into my mind for the first time in almost 2 years. It almost feels sad that I still remembered my old login so easily.
Hello old friends! It’s been a while since I’ve heard from any of you! I hope you all are healing at the very least. That’s something I’ve been trying to do.
Ive learned a little in the last 6 months since my post.
I still live at home (being I turned 18 about a couple months ago) and I would say I only talk to my father for about 5 minutes every week. Don’t be sad for me, though. It just wasn’t meant to work out I suppose.
It’s just so strange- it all is coming together. Back in elementary school I was too scared to ask to go to the bathroom several times and went in my chair. I would sometimes go days without saying anything and they thought there was something wrong with me because of that. They pointed at me with all these words they had for me. Aspergers they called me. They even thought I had a speech disorder. Then, they thought I was plain stupid.
To this day, I still have that problem. No one believing in me because they don’t think I’m smart enough. I don’t even think I am.
I’ve started to get angry at the loneliness. 18 years of being alone. And many more to come. I think people see it more now how angry I am. And I think it scares them
But I’m alive. And I laugh every now and then and smile. I suppose my emptiness is just the same as anyone else’s, it’s normal. Who am I to complain when there are so many so much worse off?
but still I long for more. A life where I’m happy.
But I guess all that just wasn’t meant to be.
Hope you all are having a good night and I send my love to each and every one of you. Goodnight, my friends. I love you all. Have faith.
I long for the day that I forget my username and password to this site. Though I receive support on it from such wonderful people that remind me I am blessed, I cannot help but wish my life wasn’t like this. I don’t even know if I want to harm myself anymore. I think I’m past the point of wanting to hurt myself. I’m just so tired. My soul is so tired. Everything that I wanted for the world, everything that I wanted for much friends, my family, and for me I don’t think can happen. I just want a world where I bring light and my light spreads and makes the world a better place. But I have tried so hard and I am tired. I’m not going to harm myself or anyone else so don’t worry. I’m just tired.
I was told this today by a coworker “you just have to believe in yourself and you can do so much. Everyone sees it in you.. Why don’t you?”
Believe in myself? How am I supposed to believe in myself, believe that I can do any good whatsoever when one of my only talents is screwing up.
It’s just so strange that after so many years of being told what I’m doing wrong and how I can’t accomplish anything I suddenly am told that I am special. It’s like they expect me to help them with all their problems and I just don’t know where I can get my strength from.
I didnt come come here to complain, I just wish I knew what everyone sees in me. It’s like they think that I can fix so much and lead them, but I don’t know how.
How is a leader supposed to lead when they were never taught how to believe in themselves?
You hate being lonely because you don’t have anyone to share your life with. But you want to be alone because all you have ever known is bad, and you know damn well that no matter how many times you try it’ll always turn out in the same end- you get let down, they get let down, or you let yourself down.
So you stay alone. No matter how hard it is. It’s okay though, you’re strong. You can do this. You don’t need anyone. All you can rely on is yourself.
That doesn’t change that you still long for something more.
You see, I don’t want love. I know that despite what so many of you believe it isn’t possible for me to have romance or “true love” or whatever it’s called.
I don’t want it.
That’s total bs, but maybe if I say in enough times it’ll become true.
December 1st, 2012
“Usually, if I would try talking to somebody they would laugh at me, yell, or call me an attention seeker. I hope it’s different on here
now I know there are many people that have way worse problems, but honestly my self confidence crumbles every single day. I started cutting myself about 2 days ago and have been hiding it ever since. In gym class, people laugh at me because I’m not athletic and I’ve always been insecure about my weight. 2 weeks ago, I tried starving myself. A kid at my lunch table almost caught onto me because he saw I wasn’t eating so I ate to avoid any suspicion, but still rarely eat. People will talk about me behind my back and that causes other people to judge me without even knowing me. I just started high school and it’s hard to continue with this. Both my parents work long hours and I rarely see them on the weekends and even if I do they ignore me. My sister has cut herself before, but she only did it for popularity. I honestly don’t know WHT to do… I feel so alone but I try and keep hope”
and I did keep hope.. More than 4 years later here I am. I fucking survived that place of hell called high school. More than that, I conquered it. I am a high school graduate.. It sounds so weird to say..
though my physical form survived, I can’t help but think about how i have changed so much yet changed so little. Obviously my depression is still with me. Mother and father do not know it’s still with me, nor would they care. I’m too good of an actor. Mother probably thinks I was “cured by God” or something.
All I know is this:
to all you sad and confused souls who want to find something to cling too, some sort of light to give you hope, what I learned is you can find it in yourself. I had to. No one would be my light. They didn’t care enough. And sometimes you just have to be your own light. You have to say to yourself “my depression, my past, my anger isn’t me”. Because I’m sure that if I would have had someone i would have turned out happier, but I would not have turned out stronger.
And all this time I was just a lost little boy who didn’t matter and didn’t think he ever would.
Well that little boy is scared and confused as all hell, and he is so so worried. But he is strong. And he will not give up.
Sometimes you have to be your own light.
As I read the stories about all the horrible things some of you have experienced, it makes me think about why those things have happened. It is NOT because you are ugly. It is NOT because you arent worth it. It is NOT because you aren’t kind, or smart, etc. There are people out there who are just bad people. They see your sadness as a vulnerability and take advantage of that to poison you with hatred. Do not let them win, do not let them turn your sadness into bitterness. Love always stands strongest in the end. This will be the last time that I will be posting. This has just been a chapter in my life that I would not trade for anything. Where I plan to go, that I do not know. I hope that I have had an influence on your lives and that you will always remember that you are strong. You are beautiful. You are important. Every night I will look up at the sky, and I hope that you will be looking with me. Who knows? I might even run into one of you one day. Do not be sad, it’s not what I want either. You people have taught me so much and given me some of the love that I possess today. I hope that I have shared my love with you, and that one day you will understand how beatiful you all are. I have signed up to enlist in the army, to protect the people that I love. I hope that even when I am gone, you will remember me as I will remember you.
Any tips on how to remain positive? I’ve been trying but I always seem to get lost in the sadness, loss, and self hatred.
I’m at this pout in my life where I’m not sure who I am or even how I feel and why I feel that way. I don’t even know if I’m a good person or a bad person. I’m not sure if I’m still depressed I think I am but I’m going to try my hardest I guess. Goodnight u guys, god bless.
I just find it funny how ull be talking to a friend and they’ll be like “u need to be more open to emotions” and I’m always like “I’m trying but I don’t think it’s a good idea to express my emotions that’s all” and u wanna know what they’re response was? “No I meant my emotions” and I have known that person for 3 years, always been there for them… And that’s what I get? And shortly afterwards I asked a personal question and u wanna know what they told me? “Man up.”
I’m just so done with my “friends”. I’m not even sure if I had any in the first place to be honest.
I’m not here to complain, to whine, to say it’s not fair. Yeah it’s not fair but a lot of people in this world have it worse than me and it’s come to my attention that some of those people are on this website.
I used to feel horrible about myself. I still do a little bit, but I just stopped thinking about myself. I guess I’ve grown through the pain and I’ve learned through it. Yeah life has beaten me up a lot and it still continues to but that doesn’t mean I’m going to let it win. And neither should you guys.
People are stupid sometimes and whether it’s on purpose or not it’s still not acceptable for them to treat u badly. So you know what I say? Whether someone else is making u feel bad or yourself is making u feel bad I say u keep fighting. Because I believe the most beautiful thing a person can be is a fighter. It shows they are strong, smart, and beautiful. I say we fight for being alive and being a good person because you people are lovely and deserve a lot better. Please, just consider this.
I know it’s easy to say this but for those of u who have had a bad day, just remember it’s not over, and it shouldn’t be. Because you know what? Yeah there will be a lot worse days ahead but there’s always gonna be good days as well. Today was stressful and I suppose depressing. My hallucinations and depression have gotten worse and it sucks because it’s preventing me from being normal. Yeah I’m crazy I know. But I’m just trying to be positive.
I could remember when my Mom first found out I had a cutting disorder. We were on vacation and my sister saw it so she told my mom. My mom pulled me to the side and all she said was “how could you do this to me” and that was the moment that I realized what I was doing. I still do it tho, just not on my arms. It made me sad that I was hurting the ones I love but at the same time I couldnt believe how selfish she was acting. She caught me twice and I have yet to receive medical help
Long time no talk. It’s good to see you guys again. It’s always so comforting. No offense personally to you guys but I hate the fact that I need to visit this website. I wish I was just okay without having to do things to try and make me happy. Anyways there’s my daily rant. Goodnight <3
So just a quick update in case ur listening. Cutting addiction came back lol. But that’s okay because it will all work out in the end… Right?
Just know that bad days get better eventually. I’m talking from experience. However, even though a bad day might get better, that doesn’t mean there won’t be any more bad days. It’s just the experience of life. We do not know why we are here, or what brought us here but what we do know is that we should make the best of it. Just keep that in mind before u make any decision.
Today was actually a good day. I hope that if u had a bad day, that u have a better one tommorow. Goodnightlovelies
Goodnight everyone! This might sound like the biggest load of horse manure, but I care about all of you. I don’t even want to think about where I would be if not for the support of everyone here, and that, that is what I am thankful for. Goodnight and thank you for making me a better person.
You’re all beautiful. Even if u don’t think u r, I do. I will gladly chat with u, even if it’s only a little while, I will. 248-639-3200 they say never talk to strangers but if u never do then how can u grow as a person? Please only text.
I realized something. The main reason I feel this way is not from the bullying, it’s from my parents and myself. I think my greatest enemy is myself, and I fear that in order to win the battle u must do whatever it takes. I’m about to fall asleep on the floor, as there were not enough beds in my hotel room for my parents to let me sleep on. I guess I deserve it.