I see so many people on here that have the same thoughts and same feelings as i do. It’s funny i feel so completely alone, like nobody can understand my feelings of depression….. Nobody can understand the push in my mind to end my life. The hole i feel in my soul… Then I come on here and I see all of you having the same thoughts and feelings. I honestly dont know if it makes me feel better or if it makes me think things will never get better. I have had an exit plan for years but i dont do it for my family……… But lately im not so sure how much longer I can hold on…… I’m trying soooo hard not to kill myself…. My adult children would have to deal with my suicide…… One of them already deals with depression (im sure I passed it on to her) My husband would have to deal with it…….. He is a really good man and deserves so much better than this….. I hate this place. I am not getting any better…. It has been so many years of holding on. FUCK what do i do…. I want it all to stop. I want to feel better but I know I wont. It always comes back and this time i dont know if I can fight anymore.
Have any of you just laid down and just decided not to move and hardly even breath? Just willing yourself to die right there?
If only it could have worked. If only it were possible. No stigma for your family to be stuck with that you killed yourself. No guilt for your loved ones to feel thinking if I only could have done something…… I laid there for about 30 min lifeless willing myself to leave my body. It was quiet almost peaceful. But eventually I had to realize it wouldn’t work lol
Crap i wish it was that easy.
I have been gone for almost a year and I was just wondering if anybody was still around from back then?
I thought I was doing ok. But here I am…. I want to thank you all for posting your thoughts. I come here when I am at my lowest. This sight makes me realize that I am not alone. There are so many things I read here that I have thought or gone through myself. If im crazy then im not alone in that either lol Thank you!!!!!!!!! <3
Hi everyone I was gone for a few months. I started to take some medication that was suppose to fix me lol. It seemed to help for a while but as you can see here I am again. Doing a little better but still wishing i could just not be.. at all. Not even sure what to say……. Just Hi I guess. Nice to see some familiar names still here.
I have such Social anxiety that i feel like most people don’t like me (Why I care… I don’t know) But the feeling shuts me down from talking and interacting with my coworkers. And that just makes my fears and anxiety worse. I don’t know how long i can hang on day to day feeling so insecure. Spinning my wheels.
I spend most days stressed and feeling inadequate. I would love to quit my job and open a business of my own, but then the gripping fear stops me. If I don’t have a job I dont have the money to survive. If I work like I do I don’t have time to build my business. Again Im spinning my wheels.
I want a way out. Sometimes i just think the only way out is a permanent one. But I cant do that to my family. So again spinning my f’ing wheels.
I would like to try and apply for disability but not sure if that would just make my stress worse because then I would have to admit something is really wrong with me. And who knows if I would get approved or not. So tired of spinning. I’m getting dizzy and I need help.
If you look at the news, all you see in this world is murder, rape, injustice and evil. I am so tired of all of this. I dont want to be a part of this disgusting place. I just dont understand. What the hell is wrong with people?
I started going to a counselor yesterday, my first session. I really liked the counselor…. Got me to see some things in a different way. So why is it I feel even worse today?
F it I wont bother anymore.
I posted a while ago about a test I was having done. I got the results today……..
I Have to go back in for surgery because they found some pre cancerous cells and need to be sure there is not cancer hiding behind the small sample they took.
Not much in my life can be a simple yes or no UGHHHHH
Going in for a test tomorrow. Dont think I will sleep tonight.
I wish I could just turn my head off.
I usually only post here when im feeling down or having one of my harder days. But today I just wanted to check in with some positive thoughts.
Today my life is still not perfect but it is better. I pulled through the dark thoughts I was having and even feel grateful for the family I have and the life we have together. Things are not perfect but that is ok. I doubt things will ever be perfect. There will always be things to be upset about but today I am focusing on the good things.
Thank you all for putting up with my dark side lol. I am grateful for having this site to vent on as well. I appreciate you all.
Tired. Depressed. And planning. Im done. Even my body feels like a thousand pounds. Feels like i cant even lift my arms. WTH Why does this world even exist? What is the point? Maybe this is hell and being here is my punishment for something. I just want to sleep now Goodnight
Ever want to walk past one of your co workers and just slap them in the back of the head as you go by???? I do I do!!! I cant stand that little sweet voice, hiding an evil mean person, that people don’t see past, because she is little and cute. All I ever hear is her talking crap about everyone. And for some reason she now thinks she is my boss even though I have been there 3 years longer. Driving me nuts
I have just about had enough of this. I am so tired of feeling like I want to take my own life, telling myself that it will pass, feeling a little better, just to be slammed with the same damn feeling all over again. There are times when I realize that maybe I dont really want to die that I just want these feelings and emotions to stop. But its been going on for so long now I really dont think it will ever happen. Im so sick of feeling this way and maybe the only way out is to finally just do it.
Ugh, then there is my family that holds me here. Causing them pain if i do decide to just do it. UGH do I really have to be stuck in this world feeling this torture, fear, sadness, emotional pain and anxiety just so I dont hurt them? I want to scream!!!!! DONT YOU GET IT IM LIVING IN HELL HERE ON EARTH!
I want to just stop being. Stop feeling like people are judging me. Stop this deep…. shredding….. emotional pain. Do people really judge me like i feel they do? Or is it all in my head. I have never felt like I fit in for any length of time. Even when i was a little girl I knew I was different/not the same as everyone else.
I cant talk to anyone about the way I feel. So I post this here, where maybe people will not judge as much. Maybe they can even relate………….. UGH
Does anyone remember that old song that says “I dont want to start and blasphemous rumors but I think that God has a sick sense of humor and when I die I expect to find him laughing.” Sometimes I think he was on to something.
In the past year life has been such a damn roller coaster. In Jan of last year my father had a stroke (alone in his home) and I had to put him in hospice and he died 2 weeks later. I went to his home and found where he had dragged himself around the house covered in feces and clean it up. Had to make his arrangements to be cremated and still haven’t done anything with his ashes.
A month later my daughter tells me she is going to have a baby (great news) then 2 months later we find out my pregnant daughter has cancer. Kidney cancer. First she wants to wait until the baby is born to have it removed but it starts growing so big and so fast that it will kill her if she waits. At 5 months pregnant she has the kidney removed and they think they got it all but we wont know for sure until after the baby is born. Baby is delivered by c section last month but we are still waiting until she heals before they can to the testing she needs.
When the hell does life get better? I’m still waiting, Ive been waiting most of my life. Seems that years like this last one happen way to often, though I wont bore you all with the many other tales.
Funny I still have hope. Even though you would think year after year of life’s crap would make me realize it doesn’t get better it just lifts you up to slam you down harder later.
They say it gets better and I want to believe that. I have fought with depression for so many years I hardly remember before I had it anymore. Yes there are times when I dont feel like blowing my head off. But time after time the feeling comes back. It seems to be my brains “go to” thought whenever Im even the slightest bit upset. I have tried depression medication…. Many kinds…. But they dont seem to do anything for me but make me a tired zombie. I stopped trying to find one that works about 8 years ago.
My husband cant grasp why I feel the way I do, Heck I dont know why I feel this way half of the time. People without depression just cant understand. He thinks he must be doing something wrong and feels upset when I talk about how I feel, so I have just stopped talking to him about it. Why upset him over and over again.
Well like I said I do have some good days and while Im having a bad one I try and tell myself it will get better. I will feel ok again. But for how long do I have to keep saying this to myself. How many times will the depression rear its ugly head over and over again. Im tired, so tired. I just want to know that the light at the end of the tunnel isnt a train.
Does anyone feel the same way. Or am I totally alone in this