I’m back on here. I thought i was doing better than i was 2 weeks ago, but in reality i’m not. I finally got diagnosed with depression 5 days ago. i already knew that i had it but i guess it’s a good thing i officially know. I just feel so tired. None of my hobbies make me happy anymore, i don’t understand why. I finally started cleaning my room but i don’t want to finish it, that feels like too much work. I still can’t go a day without thinking about death or suicide. I want to die the only reason i haven’t gone through with it is because i dont want someone to have to find my body. anytime i think of my future i just think about how i will kill myself once i live alone. i can call 911 before i do it and i won’t have to worry about anyone finding me that’s not them. I want to be gone. I don’t want to live past 18. I think i am trans and it all just feels to hard. I’m thinking about texting my parents a long thing about how much i want to kill myself then maybe i could get more help. go to the hospital or something. I want to get better and have tried for years, but every time i feel okay i end up back where i started. I never am doing good and i’m just so tired of it. im so tired of trying. I just want to be dead.
I don’t know what’s wrong me. I used to be so happy. 3rd grade is when i started to change, I would sit behind a small building at school while everyone else would play outside. I felt tired, tired of life. I would lie anytime people would ask me if i was okay. It has been like that ever since. I’m 14 now and It’s been a lot worse the last year. I try so hard to feel okay but i never do, I am useless in this world. I have no friends, I have no one. I don’t do anything and just sit in bed all day. I have tried to kill myself in the past and i wish more than anything that is had worked. I am tired of being used, I am so tired of feeling numb all the time. I started self harming again after being 8 months clean, I no longer care. I just want this life to be over. I don’t care if thing will get better, i don’t want to live past 18. I wish i could go through with ending things. Every night i find myself breaking down, I can never sleep and i feel tired to my core. The type of tired that does not go away. I think about killing myself everyday, even waking up feels like too much