Hi, if you are 30 or above, I would like you to reply and tell me how you cope with day to day. I feel lost and that there is no light at the end of the tunnel. Maybe you older groups here could direct me to who you are. I don’t want you guys to sit alone and feel like islands if we can get a conversation at least going on and try and get some perspective from a fellow older lad like myself, 29 now. I feel time is running too fast. How do you cope with depression? Pain? Cancer? Unemployment? Anxiety? Do you also feel as if nostalgia hits you hard and you cannot forget about the past?
I have had a terrible dream this morning. I dreamt of having the cloud of depression over me. I was living in a shady little place with my father in this dream. We had no privacy together and were boxed in. I dreamt I was completely hopeless and finished with 5 interviews already. While the dream went on, I was afraid none of the employers will phone me back. I had 78 dollars left in my bank account. I was sticking him for a burger meal and I was worried if that amount goes to zero, he would have to support me fully and I would be bust. I went back home and saw him going off to work. I felt hopeless. I also remembered how there was a rather large lady on a photo and we both laughed together at the “cheese” subheading of the post. I felt trapped, as if there was no escape. I also wanted to contribute financially and I felt so handicapped. I realised my father is getting older and won’t be able to support me longer. I realised that I am trapped.
Please help me a bit with your interpretations learning about my other posts. What do you guys think?
I am a 29 year old male suffering from a soup of mental disorders and other tribulations, hence my other posts. I am unemployed, living with my parents after graduating with my electronics engineering degree. I am unable to find work, depressed, and tired. Instead of explaining my previous posts over again, I will just come to the point of how I feel now. At this moment, I am at a low no one else around me can surface. I suffer from something that I was afraid might get worse by time; I suffer from extreme self hate and body dysmorphic disorder – or as it is better described. BDD has its extremes showcased commonly in eating disorders resembling the chaining and imprisonment that results from this pest of a disorder. From young, I suffered the weirdest forms of OCD that lodged with me since my pre-teens; from feeling existentially guilty after saying “shit”, to feeling I have to wash my hands to get rid of harmful germs. I spent my childhood fearing that eating a candy bar would give me diabetes, and all sorts of other vexations. While my parents and siblings enjoyed a pizza, I was crying about not having done an even number of jumps on the staircase. BDD soon started into my teens and never left me. My BDD stems from extreme self hate about my teeth and dental appearance. Since I was 21, I was extremely aware of how crooked they were. I flossed, brushed, and did everything by-the-book, but thanks to a lifelong coffee addiction, they turned yellow early on in my life and thus immune to whitening, on top of bad luck with broken teeth after eating something. I had no finances to fix them and this left me in despair and turmoiled into extreme self-loathing and depression. Last year an abscess “randomly” formed around a back molar and we had to do a root canal on it promptly. I was taken aback by the pain being so bad that I not only lived with chronic pain, but also feared losing my teeth. The song continued into a dark symphony of self detest as I noticed how my now root canal become a darkened tooth. Since the root canal I suffered depression knowing that the tooth isn’t alive anymore and that I most likely will lose it. I feel as if I cannot forgive myself and get on with life. I take interest in commercials and the society around me where individuals with nice looking teeth makes up the majority of the population and showcase their “pearly whites” without major dental flaws, and it drives me off a cliff. It is hard to describe to people around me why I am severely depressed about having the root canal and the lack of comfort I have had since I have had this procedure done, coupled by the extreme contingency of having to cover my mouth every time I smile. I feel I failed, and I am also extremely self conscious about the darkening, and about the thought of the dead tooth inside my mouth, rotting away. It makes me hate myself ad nauseum. I almost feel “grossed out” by myself. I fucking hate this existence, and what aggravates the depression is seeing others with beautiful teeth and a healthy smile dominating the world and causing intense envy in the bottom dwellers like myself. I want to go back 10 years when my teeth was still pretty and I was healthy. I thus became a recluse, I avoid socialising at all costs; and I turned into a closet misanthrope, Post hoc, ergo propter hoc.
Hell hath no fury…
Excuse this rant. I need it. I am living with a condition that knows no limits. At the start of this year, 2018, I wrote my verdict: I wrote that I am a man, 28 years of age, living with chronic pain. It is now around 3 months till the post, and nothing has changed. I thought I might give it more time but to no avail… I once had a beautiful smile and it got lost after living in the dorms, playing sports, and living life. A bump on my face caused a permanent change to 1 tooth. It spread across my face into something that resembled trigeminal neuralgia. At around 2 years ago, my nights of peaceful sleep came to an end. I would wait and wait to get to sleep and nothing will happen; needle like shooting pains would radiate across my face to my brain. you see, part of the problem of dental health you really cannot control, but you realise how little there can be done for you when your health is on a thin line. It really just take one, only ONE event to snowball your dental health into something that will give you permanent hell; that you go from doctor to doctor, specialist to specialist to find the cure but no luck… I am seriously now at the cusp of no hope. I do not know what to say anymore. I will keep everyone here updated onto my last line but I am sure it will not change; I will need to get rid of this pain somehow. I live in poverty. I live with depression and anhedonia so I cannot work. This pain takes all my energy. You see, I was NEVER depressed. I never understood it when I was younger. I am not such a person. This pain made me into somebody I am not. You did not know me 4 years ago; I was outgoing, social, always the man with the jokes. Now, I am a bedridden hermit.
I cannot start a course in pain medication as my body already had it and gets used to it. I just feel I want to cry my eyes out. I really am in stress. I just wanted to belong, I wanted things to be the way it was when I was in my childhood – without stress, peaceful, pleasurable. Why does life get so nasty as adults? Why? I can rage against this existence. It stole everything from me. I am bitter. I really thought buying some time will get me somewhere but it did not. Just tell me, just bloody tell me why root canal treatments create more pain than before? Why if you get 1 of them, are all your teeth messed up and follow suit? I really just do not have the courage to pull all of my teeth and just get dentures. I really am fed up with life and what to do next.
“there is but one philosophical problem, and that is suicide”
I usually skim through this website as a lurker, so this is my first post. I am unsure how to title this but I hope people will find this note nevertheless. What can I say? I am aged 28, male, intelligent, ambitious, and attractive. Throughout my life, I have been good at sport, physically agile, and had a can-do attitude. I loved living once. I had grown so much as a man in my past 5 years and enjoyed a spurt of good health. I had a loving family throughout my life. I was at peak of my game once , and topped long distance running records of 3 schools as well as high Jumping. And an odd ball who could find joy in being alone. I possess an innate talent in music and gotten interest from my school. Too bad I never pursued it. I was a talented kid who excelled in any field I put my mind to. I embarked on a journey to cherish my passion for science and eventually decided on a degree in electronics engineering…
It all changed 2 years ago when I was in my 2nd year, attending the dorm rooms with my brother Eric at my University. I started paying more attention to my teeth and flossed twice a day. I was warned about not flossing and the cavities it could lead to. So I became obsessed. I have a long history involved in obsessive behaviours so this is not green to me. I started flossing with plastic pics after I heard they are better at cleaning your teeth and soon noticed very painful gums appearing between my 2 back molars soon after I used them. This was a turn of the tides for me.
I ceased flossing so obsessively and became more gentle after a dental visit that year. I got an x ray taken and it appeared my guns receded. The damage have been done already. The gum never regrown and in around 3 months time, I sat at a Denny’s restaurant one night and got a terrible headache all of a sudden, I had noticed coming from inside my mouth. As I pressed against the gum, between my 2 Back teeth and on top of one, I noticed it was tender and painful. I had to exit the restaurant as I was in too much pain to eat. Needing-less to say, it never got any better and I never got to the finish line of turmoil. The pain usually rotates in a form of lingering sensitivity, to shooting pains, following by times where I would feel no pain or mild sensitivity. But usually the worst at nights. I could not sleep at night as I was haunted by sharp needle- like pains radiating from my gum line to my brain and left eye. After weeks I became tired of this war and booked an appointment at a dental office. We eventually made it to the dentist and after 6 dental visits the only thing they could detect was exposed dentin because of vigurous flossing habits. Apparently this can only bring tooth sensitivity when exposed to a stimulus. But I experience pain almost on a constant basis? They could see nothing further wrong and thought I was crazy acting out pain that is “all in my head”; although I could clearly see in some lighting conditions there is a darker tint where the gum is painful as well as waking up with a headache on some days. After battling 6 months with this pain I enrolled another year of Uni to finish off my degree in hopes it will leave me. Last year I was enrolled in my final year in Electronics Engineering and stopped going to class as a result of this bickering shooting pains. I managed to pass but not as good as I would have liked to. I became miserable and depressed because of this and stopped socialising as a result. I also ceased my exercise routine which I dearly enjoyed before. I am now at a point in my life tired of waiting for the mist to lift battling with this condition. I have tried creams, fluoride, sensodyne, hypnosis, acupuncture, but to no avail.
On top of this, my tooth roots are curvy so a root canal won’t be an option. I will need an extraction done on a few teeth and then obtain implants if I would want to get rid of pain. Gum grafting is also expensive and thus no option. This will drive me to over 5000 dollar in access and I don’t have coverage so unable pay for it.
I recently met a lady overseas and thought I would be able to save up to go see her in Austria. But how? I thought of getting married and raising kids of my own. I had aspirations of joining the army or police force in hopes of following my passio further. I would not get a chance to do this unfortunately as my life is in dire straits.
I never knew over flossing can fuck up your life like this. I wish I could turn back the clock 2 years ago but it’s spilled milk now. I live with chronic pain daily and I want out. I hate this. I hate the thought of losing my teeth.
There are many of you who might think “just go to the dentist and get implants” but it’s not that easy. I have also heard of people with dental implants still suffering dental pain following their dental work.
Death is something we view as the mysterious third. The cult of life has a negative view on death because it’s tied to the unknown. We cannot escape death. No argument against death will ever be favourable as it is deficient on its own terms-that we are going to die. I will die soon stripping myself off another x years of torture but at least not having to wake up to a world of pain again. I can’t say I’m not scared, but I have no other option. Life is beyond measure for me and became unbearable to handle.
I would hate to do this to my parents. I hate to be able to exit this life without warning. My brother Eric needs my support and still studying. My parents and I have a friendship that I would hate to end this early; but what can I do? I am not myself anymore. I am better off biting the bullet, calling quits, write a letter to those I loved, explaining my situation, and depart this life on my own terms.
On a positive note,I have had 28 years to life. At least I had a youth and saw the best of times. I saw myself at peak physical condition of which I now notice my decline, and had a time to challenge my intellect. I loved the good life with my sibling, father and mother. I smile when I think back to the old times when I was young and naively thought I had problems; both my grandparents were alive and we enjoyed and celebrated life together. I was a kid, adventurous, with a happy spirit to tackle life to the max. But now, living in such a dysmorphic state is not a life at all – it is torture.The past year I became alien to myself. I am unable to sleep most of the time if at all. My misfortune will not allow me a valuable existence anymore. I am out of words. I want to die.