I was feeling ok, actually ok for the first time in ages, the new antidepressants seemed to be helping. And then today it all went rapidly down hill again. I don’t know why, except that I realised nobody has contacted me for days, and I ruined the one true friendship I thought I had. I just can’t take being alone. And I know that because of how I am I will be alone forever. So what’s the point? I just want out. I don’t want to do this any more.
Just one, just someone to love me, ask how my day was, wipe my tears when i cry, give me a hug and tell me its going to be ok. But i don’t have anyone. Not one person has said “how are you today”, not a single “are you ok”. It’s like i don’t exist. I wish i didn’t. I don’t want to live like this. I wish, so much, that i could just go to sleep and not wake up. Ever. Why can’t we just choose that? Why can’t we just decide, enough is enough, and flip a switch to off? Why does it have to be so painful? This is my life. I don’t want it.
Before I start, here’s some background…clinically depressed 31 yr old female, on 30mg citalopram (celexa) for the last 3+ years, last 6-9 months been feeling progressively worse, last 3 months suicidal, changed to sertraline (Zoloft) 6 weeks ago.
at the moment I feel, we’ll, not much really, not happy, not sad, not suicidal. Uninterested I guess. I find it difficult to concentrate for long, flit from thing to thing, and can’t really say I get any enjoyment out of anything I do…not that I dislike what I’m doing – I guess this could almost be a feeling of contentment(?!) apart from one thing. I feel like my life (if you can call it that) is already over. I feel ancient. Tired. Like I’ve missed all my opportunities and its just too late for me now.
Is that still the depression, or is that just me? How would I know, how can I know if that’s me or the drugs? I don’t know how to shake it 🙁 even though I feel “ok” at the mo, that feeling makes me want to kill myself.
4 weeks ago I changed antidepressants from citalopram to sertraline. Since then I’ve been paranoid and have anxiety issues, which I never had before, and the depression comes in waves now. Some times I feel ok, and then i’ll plummet and wish I could just take the scalpel to my throat. I feel so alone. No one cares about me. I don’t blame them, I’m not likeable, very boring, hate going out, hide in my room, am short fat and ugly, a triple threat. It just seems pointless. If I’m to spend the rest of my life alone, what’s the point in living it? I don’t know how to make my life have a purpose – not helped by being the laziest person I know! But again, how do I change that? It’s not just laziness but also fear! My mother made me so afraid of “rocking the boat or standing out” that I can’t stand up for myself and continually get walked all over, and my days always told me little girls should be seen and not heard, so I’m quiet. Then my sister made me believe that you could only be happy if you were dying to be thin! I feel completely out of control and have lost the will to try and make things better. But is it me that feels this way, or is it the drugs? Am I really this sad pathetic person? I hate myself for that the most, above being fat, and a Selfish cow. This is probably me, so no wonder I’m alone. I get that, but I don’t like it, and I can’t change it. So what’s the point? I don’t want to do this any more. I just want an easy way out. Is that too much to ask?? On top of everything else? Apparently so 🙁
Now I just wish I could follow through with it. I’ve got the scalpel. Just one quick slash to the throat, 2 minutes and it’s over. All over. Peace. it’s all I want. Why is it so hard? It can’t be that painful….
I wish I wasn’t here. I wish I could stop breathing. Stop being. No one would notice. I am nothing to anybody. And I’m sick to death of this life. I wish I could get off this rollercoaster called life.
It’s the same thought, always the same thought that eventually creeps back in to my brain…even when things seem to be getting better, it always goes back downhill and I’m left sitting on my own, tears sliding down my face saying that mantra over and over to myself! Every time I struggle to pick myself up I get shoved back down. Maybe I’m just too selfish, I nenes to stop focusing on myself, but isn’t everyone, doesn’t everyone consider themselves to be the centre of their own little universe? I’m not a bad person, I don’t steal, I don’t lie, I treat others how I would like to be treated, I try my best to be helpful and thoughtful to everyone I meet…yet I’m alone. I have a big family, 3 older sisters, who all have husbands and kids, but I don’t feel part of a family at all. They have their families, my sisters families ARE their husbands and kids, not me, I’m the outsider, the unwelcome extra, the nuisance, unless I can be of some kinds of use (usually a taxi service)! I don’t want to wasp end another Christmas as an unwelcome third wheel. I feel like my life is already over, I’m too old and past it to meet anyone now. I’m 31. But guys my age are either single cause they want to be or have a lot of baggage, and no one wants a girl with issues…so I’m my own worst enemy! I don’t have many friends either…for the same reason! Everyone gets told to remove toxic people from their lives, and I seem to be one of those toxic people. I don’t know how it happened either, I don’t know when I became this person, how I turned in to this misery that people avoid. I am good for one thing, work. That’s when I get called upon, to do things for other people. I bake cakes, so people ask me to bake for them. I don’t get invited to the parties though. I am a graphic designer, so I get asked for help with image retouching (I want to use this photo for my Facebook profile, can you take out that spot for me), my opinion on websites, flyers for charity events… but that’s it, that’s the only time people come to me. I don’t want to live a life where I’m only good for work. I’m not a worker bee. I don’t enjoy working all the hours in the day. But it would appear that’s all I’m good for. And so I’m back to my mantra, the one constant repeating voice that reappears on a regular basis…I don’t want to do this any more! But I don’t have the courage to kill myself. I’m scared ill screw it up. Is just my luck. I’d end up jumping off a building and ending up a paraplegic instead of successfully killing myself, or shoot myself in the head and live! So therein lies the dilemma. What is a full-proof way to end it. I’m getting closer and closer. In my Downey depressed moments I’ve managed to stab myself in the arm with a scalpel (and before anyone starts yes I realise that’s not a good way to kill yourself!) but I can’t cut deep enough to do any damage. It’s just the only real option available to me at the time when my desire to end it is strongest. I don’t think I want to die, but I really don’t want to live either…at the moment that desire is definitely the strongest!
Sorry for the long rambling post, guess I’m just venting. If you made it this far thanks for reading. Twist
I keep getting told “hang in there, things will get better!” – well they’ve been getting steadily worse for 3 years, and that was when I finally managed to overcome bulimia so I wasn’t exactly happy at that point anyway! I’m now very overweight, single, lonely, hiding from the world, i always fall for the guys who dont want me, and generally a burden and pain in the ass to the few people who still want to be my friend and my family, I just don’t want to do this any more, I don’t want this daily struggle any more. I feel like my life is already over so why can’t get take the last step? Why is that the hardest step?
Has anyone increased their dosage of citalopram? If so, did the increase make you feel worse before you felt better? Cause I’ve been pretty much suicidal for the last 4 days, I can’t sleep now cause all I can think about is ending it. If I had helium here I’d be gone already, but I only have a knife so keep sitting pressing it into my skin to see if I can cut… I can’t, too scared of the pain, but I just really, really, REALLY don’t want to wake up tomorrow. I don’t know what to do with myself. I’d hook my car up but it’ll wake my housemates cause it’s noisy. I don’t want to do this any more. I don’t want to be this person any more. I’ve tried everything to change, self help, cbt, regular therapy, hypnosis. I think I’m fundamentally and irreparably broken. I don’t want to continue if this is it. I wish I had the strength to end it…
Just too tired now. I don’t want this life any more. So, what way is best so that I can leave my organs undamaged and able to be used for transplant? I’d at the very least like to make my so far pointless existence have some small meaning. Maybe that way it wouldn’t be such a selfish act, my family won’t be as disappointed in me as I think they will be. Does anyone know if there is a way? I know in 7 pounds he got stung by a jellyfish, but as that’s fiction I’m not sure it’s a trusty source!
Thanks in advance x
People keep telling me things will get better. I need to help myself. I need to get out there and be a part of life. But when I try it goes wrong, I make the wrong choices, make friends with the wrong people, develop feelings for people I shouldn’t and generally end up ruining things, then end up five steps back from where I started. How the hell do I break this cycle??? I don’t really want to die, but I can’t escape the evidence that tells me it’s my only option, it is the only way I’m gonna find peace. Except i’ll probably cock it up. Why is it this hard?
Sorry, this is just a vent. An outlet of my plenty up feelings. Take care people x
Tired of this life, this shit, the same struggle, the same fight over and over, same feelings, always worthless, always pathetic, never good enough! It’s exhausting. So why can’t I cut? I can’t be that painful. A few quick slices and its done, oblivion, and yet I can’t do it, I can’t even scratch myself. Plenty of you self harm yet I can’t even nick myself with the scalpel. Just. One. Little. Cut. It can’t. Be that difficult, can’t hurt that much, can’t possibly hurt as much as this shitty life does. So why can’t I do it??? I just don’t want to do this any more. Never good enough. Never wanted enough. Always alone. It’s cruel. It’s human cruelty. There should be some way out, some easy exit, why wasn’t that ever invented?
And no idea how to change it. Is it wrong that I come here to feel normal? To feel like I actually belong? No one wants to know me in real life, unless they need me to do something, or want sex! Apparently it’s one of the few things I do well 🙁 in the last 2 weeks I’ve slept with 2 different guys, one of whom has a girlfriend of 2 years, I’ve fancied him for ages and really thought that would be the turning point, he’d actually see me and be with me. But of course not, I’m not good enough for that! So to,get over that I sleep with another guy. And all it’s done is left me feeling like a slut. Why do I need that kind of validation? Like my looks are the be all and end all? Though maybe that cause, with no friends and no boyfriend, my personality can’t exactly be winning!!! I guess I’m just willing to do whatever I can to get a bit of company and not be so completely alone. Is that so wrong? Ha, guess if it wasn’t I wouldn’t feel this bad about it! When you’re completely alone, would it really be so bad to end it? Is that enough of a reason? Or a good enough reason to Ewan’s to die? I really don’t know!
It’s fab and I keep trying to replay it to myself. With great thanks to Rocky Balboa (aka Sly Stallone):
Let me tell you something you already know. The world ainâ€™t all sunshine and rainbows. Itâ€™s a very mean and nasty place, and I donâ€™t care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ainâ€™t about how hard you hit. Itâ€™s about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward; how much you can take and keep moving forward. Thatâ€™s how winning is done! Now, if you know what youâ€™re worth, then go out and get what youâ€™re worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ainâ€™t where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that and that ainâ€™t you. Youâ€™re better than that!
Nuf said x
It’s always the same, every day is the same struggle, same shit, I don’t want to do this any more. I don’t want to be this person any more, sitting in this shit room in a house that isn’t mine with strangers, and nobody to talk to. I’m oh so tired, no exhausted, of trying to find happiness. It just continually eludes me. I want to go. I want to give up. Then I think about how devastated I’d be If I lost any of my family, and I can’t do it, I can’t do that to them, so I’m stuck, this shell of a person living this shit life not knowing how to do anything about it. I wish I could just sleep and not wake up. That would be… Bliss!
Why won’t my head shut up? Why is it all I think is “what’s wrong with me, why doesn’t anybody like me?” Nothing seems to distract me, nothing makes it better! I’ve been single for 3 years, have lost god knows how many friends because I’m always miserable, the only ones I’ve kept are long distance so they can out up with me on the brief moments of contact we have! No one wants me, no one likes me, and here I am, on a Friday night, sat alone wingding like normal! And I wonder why I’m alone! 🙁 I wish I could break this cycle, turn into a bubbly fun person that people want to be around, instead of this wingeing moaning miserable ***** 🙁 and I hate myself more for sitting here moaning and wingeing and shit for being this person!!! How did this happen?? How did I turn into this person 🙁 I hate this. I want to be different but I can’t change. I’m just too damn lazy. I’m too lazy for life! I’m wasting it, and there are people out there wishing they had longer – I wish I could trade it, give it to someone who wants a bit longer on this miserable planet. I sorely wish that were possible. Ugh, just writing this makes me feel worse. I suck 🙁