This might sound ridiculous to some. Like I shouldn’t feel so hurt by the death of an animal. Like I’m overreacting. On the 9th I was forced to put my 14 year old Doberman down. He was indeed a dog, but it was like he was a human in a dog. Stubborn in every way but trained to the point where you could really have a conversation with him. He even knew how to smile. I couldn’t deal with having to bury him and he has been cremated… I feel horrible in both situations but I just couldn’t imagine letting him be eaten by worms and insects. His ashes will go with me everywhere… I would have rather been thrown into the ocean but he wasn’t me and I just felt this was my best option…. I feel horrible. I hugged him while he was being euthanized and I felt everything from his two last gasps of air to his last heart beat… I held him until his body turned cold and stiff and was forced to go home… my dog was my bestfriend. I don’t have friends, more like people who pretend to be there when they really don’t give two shits. But he was always there. Loyal in every way. He taught me to be a loyal person. Stupid I know… a human learning loyalty from a dog. But if you knew that my family was far from being loyal to each other and why I have no friends you’d understand why I learned it from him. We watched the stars every night he felt okay enough to be awake a little longer without his pain bothering him. The vet said he had so many tumors she was shocked at how strong and brave he was. She said he was one of the strongest dogs she’s ever seen. Have you ever thought that love could keep someone holding onto their life even if it caused them pain to do so? He did. I haven’t contemplated suicide in a while again. And now I am. I want to go. Away. I want to stop feeling this emptiness that only he could fill. I don’t think I’ll be okay. I’m not okay. I’m far from okay.
I can’t help but think about all the children being abused at home and how they can’t go to school anymore because of the virus. This was their way out of their homes… their way to escape for just a few hours a day… and now they are stuck at home… I’m not even upset that I can’t go outside, but I wish I could collect every child and keep them safe and get them help… they’re helpless.
“If only you had appreciated her love for astronomy. You would have been able to understand that she paints galaxies with her eyes. That the dots of freckles on her cheeks represent the millions of stars floating around outer space. Her veins are infused with stardust, and she has comets dancing on her arms.
When she would feel angry, it would have reminded you of meteors shooting through the sky. In her moments of happiness, it would have reminded you of shooting stars, a dream come true. When she was sad, it was like a broken universe. People tried to shrink her, take her words away, make her life smaller, but what they didn’t know was that she had an electrical current within her body that would not allow her to shrink. She is a collection of paradoxes, a gravitational pull; her mind was like a graveyard replete with thoughts that died.
Her voice commanded the night sky, and her mouth was capable of swallowing stars. That is why every time she spoke, everyone was hypnotized by the tenderness of her voice. She had a fire building up within her, but you extinguished her to the point of ashes. You simply couldn’t understand her. You didn’t understand that the stars and the moon and the galaxies all controlled her. You couldn’t grasp the fact that she was an anthology of poetry; she was unreadable.“
I posted this a while ago. But I can just never stop reading it. It blows my mind how literature can become more relatable than the actual human being. Even though literature spills from us. It’s funny how so many of us are afraid to spill out loud what we spill on paper.