Cut again today for the first time in 6 months i think. It felt really good and i had to stop myself from going over board. I just am starting to get in a relationship and i feel awful because i know she deserves better. I don’t think i am ever supposed to get better.
Today is my birthday, for some reason i dont feel happy. im not sad but i wanted to cut. i think i just resent being alive
A girl walks by the pond. she looks up at the trees and sees the different colors of the leaves. the wind making the tree wave. she waved back. everything was finally peaceful.
I was talking to my friend today about this and he said that yea I have been an asshole lately and he knows that’s not who I am but everyday I have to try harder and harder not to do something offensive or be an absolute dickhead. I don’t know why I used to always think of myself as the nice guy but for some reason I can’t help it.
I don’t like to talk a lot. In school or out. I have 3 friends because I pushed everyone away and now I don’t know how to talk to people. My parents are so focused on me not smoking that they turned the house into hell. I feel like i’m constantly under attack. When I walk home I get scared to talk to my family. I can’t tell if i’m happy or sad or scared or angry but I know i’m breaking someway. I so bored with my life that I want to kill myself just to have something to do. I can’t focus on school or people or anything. I don’t even know who I am anymore. I just want to go back to middle school. It was the last time I was content with my life and everything about my life. I just want some type of relief.
I like the feeling of it running across my skin.
I like the deep rich color.
I like the scars that it leaves behind, the look, the feel.
I like the stains it leaves.
I like the pain it brings.
I like everything about it.
But I hate myself because of everything I do to see it
If I went back to who I was, what is the worst that could happen. The old me was so happy just living. Yet for some reason i’m scared of being normal again. It’s been years since I was happy just being alive and going through the motions of life. Then it took one girl to unravel my life, that’s bullshit and I know it. Still there’s something holding me back…
I’m so in my head lately. I eat pretty much once a day but not cause i’m trying not to i’m just never hungry anymore. I don’t do anything all day unless I have school but other than that i’m alone in my room all day. I can’t seem to get out of my head. I’m scared of what people think about me constantly and I wish I just didn’t care. I don’t want to die but I just am so bored with my life and I don’t know what to do. Even when I do go out of the house I only have 3 friends and we pretty much do the same thing every weekend.
I think I’m going insane, I can’t think of anything but hurting other people and hurting myself. I have people I care about and I don’t want to disappoint them but I can’t get the thought of blood out of my brain.
simple as that
ima kill myself and i just thought that maybe somebody should know, so now you all know.
I’ve been drinking, i’ve been getting high. and all this time i wonder if i did the right thing. sure shes happier and has moved on but i havent. but it doesnt really matter what i want because she is more important even though i hate myself for loving her. who cares anyway ill just tie my noose and jump off my roof. life is messed up and it isnt worth it. im so done with all this shit.
i found a new girl, we have been talking for a bit but i think i’m getting to deep to quick. I flirt with her even without trying to and i can’t stop myself. I think i’m breaking her because i’ve started cutting again. I need to break it off but i dont know how. Someone please help me.
This probably isn’t uncommon but i drink more then i should, no one knows i hide at night with a bottle of vodka and drink until i can’t feel or don’t remember. I also smoke weed, people think i do it to be cool but i really do it because i want to escape the pain and again. All of this started after i stopped cutting so i think i should go back to cutting but i really don’t know. Is all this really bad considering that i’m 15 i really don’t know and i don’t know what to do anymore.
if i killed myself tonight who would really care?
Been on here for like the past 24 hours and slowly realizing i have no hope for getting better i’m pretty much going to always be sad. I need to get off this site and sleep, but everyone seems to tell their story when they first get on and i haven’t done that yet so here we go.
Hi, last year was the first time i cut myself and fell into my deepest depression yet. I had always been sad and felt as if something is wrong with me, hell i can’t remember 6th grade because of how painful it was. But anyway at 13 i got my first girlfriend and things were good for about a month. Then to fuck it up i got overwhelmed and cut for the first time. About a week my gf cuts and says she didn’t get the idea from me but i can’t help but feel she did. I keep cutting every night for 2 more months and she keeps cutting. Then the thought of killing myself comes into my head. Scares me so much i break down and start having more manic panic attacks and cutting deeper. I tell my gf and she forces me to get help and stop cutting. I promised but never stopped and i never shared anything in therapy. 1 month later i tell my therapist that i’m going to kill myself yet he says “you will be ok” so that night i go home and try to drown myself. I wake up in the pool face up and walk back inside and go to bed(i just recently told someone about this happening). Fast forward another month, i’m still cutting still not sleeping and my gf is getting worse and worse leaning on me to talk her out of suicide daily, she later almost cheats on me using the excuse “i was at the height of my depression”. A couple more months of this go by finally i tell her to actually tell her therapist her thoughts, she does. They tell her that she is going to go to a hospital and she is terrified and cry’s so hard and scares me. She leaves on valentines day and is gone for 2 weeks, 2 weeks where i don’t cut waiting for her to come back to a boyfriend who is clean. When she gets back she breaks up with me saying she needs a break for a bit. This crushes me and i go straight back to my knife. After about a week she seems to have gotten better and comes back to me. A couple weeks later i have serious suicidal thoughts and break up with my gf because i want to spear her the pain of having to help me. I don’t tell her why i broke up with her making her very angry. After thing calm down between us we start talking and we get back together. Finally i tell her what is going on with me and she tells me to tell the school about it. I tell them my plan and everything along with it. They send me to a hospital straight after school. I think i cried more in that week then i have in my entire life. A week of torture goes by and i get out and things pretty much get better and stay like that for a long time. Up until about a month ago. I was overwhelmed and went back to cutting after almost a year of not cutting. Now my gf is starting to distance herself but i can’t do anything because i’m to FUCKING wrapped up in my head and my thoughts. More and more suicidal thoughts keep coming in. In the past month i have tried to hang myself 2 times and both times i woke up on the ground and haven’t told anyone. I stopped taking my meds about a week ago. i don’t care anymore and i’m scared. I’m 14, i don’t think i should be thinking these things.
Anyway that’s not the whole story but i don’t want to put too much out. i know a lot of people probably didn’t read this but if you did thank you for reading. Have a nice day and don’t kill yourself tomorrow might be better.
I miss you. I miss the way we used to be. I miss how we met up every night. I miss being around you, feeling you graze my skin. I miss the way you kept me warm in the winter. I miss how you used to calm me down and tell me things are going to be alright. I miss how you made me happy and how you let me use you whenever i needed relief. I’m sorry that we can’t see each other anymore. People don’t want us together. They don’t want me to get hurt anymore. People who love me want me to get better. What they don’t know is you make me happy. But you make me guilty. You make me feel bad about hurting her. You make me confused about who i am but also show me the way. I wish i wasn’t so complex and i didn’t need you, but i do. And it makes me more sad then the problems i create. Know i love you and i miss the touch of you on my skin. I will never forget the feeling of the blood running down my arm whenever you touched.
Hey guys, i know i just posted but i need to get a lot off my chest and i have a question. If you like what i’ve written can you tell me? i know that sounds kinda douchy but i would like some honest feedback on this poem or story or whatever this is. Anyway i’m new here and i hate my life and this is about how i can’t use my blades and cut anymore because my girlfriend and parents don’t want me too. If i’m honest i don’t want to either but it helps. But my girlfriend used to cut and i don’t want her to go back to it so i refrain and i don’t think that’s a good reason not too but that’s all i got.
Lastly i need to get this off my chest. My friend is suicidal and i haven’t done anything besides talk to him and try my bests to help him but i feel like i should have done something. Anyway i’m doe now, i don’t know how many of you will comment or even rad this but i’m new here and just wanted to say hey.
Little girl don’t you understand. Mommy killed herself and is never coming back. Daddy drinks and hides his pain by beating you. Big bro takes pills and other drugs to keep the picture of his mother hanging out of his mind. Little girl why don’t you get it. Mommy and Daddy never loved each other. Mommy never wanted to be alive. Daddy never wanted a girl. Brother never wanted to be gay. He never wanted to be different. Little girl can’t you see. Everyone you love doesn’t love themselves. Little girl don’t you know, one day you will be just like them. Little girl, i wish we could prevent it but toying with you is just to much fun. Little girl we love you but we want to see you go. Little girl.