Everything is catching up tp me today. I’ve realized how shitty i’ve been to people and i don’t know if that’s because i’m just n asshole or if i’m so empty inside that i just can’t see what’s right in front of me. I want to kill myself but I don’t think i have the guts to. I’m thinking about cutting though. I last cut about 6-7 months ago. I just can’t do this anymore. I need some sort of release.
When I was younger I attempted suicide many times, I obviously failed. But when I got better I read that people who try are more likely to try again and be more successful and I used to cry cause I was so scared I would try again and die. At the time I didn’t want to die and I was scared to return to how i used to be. But now I’m in this place where I’m not going to commit suicide but if somehing were to happen to me I don’t know if I would stop it or if I would try and help myself. I’m at a spot where if I die then it happens but if it doesn’t then that’s cool too. I guess I just don’t care if I live anymore but I’m not gonna go out and end it, if that makes any sense.
My life is a mess riht now. So about a month ago i broke up with my boyfriend that I was with for a year and a half. I finally realized how mean he was. He never put much interest into me and he never wanted to help me. For example, I felt it was neccessary to tell him about the time I was raped as a child because I was having a lot of nightmares about it and I was shutting down from it. But, when I told him he got mad at me. He said why would I think that he was equipted to deal with this and that that was too big for him to handle and I have to go to someone else to talk to, then hung up on me. So anyways I broke up with him and shortly after I slept with my best friend, ya I know crazy. But he’s always been there for me and when i do have panic attacks he actually tries to help unlike my ex. He actually wants to learn how to hanlde my anxiety and he wants to know baout my past so he can help me through it. But I can feel myself spiraling down. I can feel my depression coming on and I’ve been having a lot of nightmares lately about what happened when I was little. Sometimes I just need someone to sit with me but the only person I want is my best friend who lives an hour away.
I’m starting to remember something from my past. It’s weird i can be having a regular conversation with someone and they say a word and i get a flash back of something. I’ve never told anyone the full story of what happened. That might be because i don’t even know the full story myself. I guess I’ve never told anyone about it is because i don’t know what their response will be. Will they have nothing to say at all or say something like “wow”, “i can’t believe that “, “im sorry”, or “are you okay?” I don’t know how to respond to any of those. Like ya wow i know it’s crazy. It’s okay don’t apologize. And I’m not even sure if i am okay? I’ve met someone who has fallen victim to this tragedy but not even close to the way it happened to me. I’m not saying what she went through was less than mine but our stories are just different. I would like to meet someone who has been through the same thing but then again i don’t because that means it happened to someone else.
I guess i’ll give a simple explanation on what happened. When i was 6 years old, i was raped. It was a one time thing. Fast forward to when i was 12 years old. The same guy did it again except this time it was different. His sister was in on it. She threw me into a room with him and locked the door behind her. He first beat me up till i physically couldn’t move. He probably did that because after the first time i started doing boxing and had been doing for years by then. So after he beat me up and then did the act he put my face in a pile of cocaine. I tried to hold my breath for as long as i could but eventually i had to breathe, causing me to get high. Apparently i wasn’t in the mental state that he wanted me in because he then shot heroine in my arm. I still have the scars. I hate seeing them. He was smart about everything he did. He hit me in places i could cover up with clothes and shot it my freckles so it blended in more. I know how crazy it all sounds that’s probably why i block it out and have flash backs from it.
So a lot has happened since i last posted. My relationship has gotten a lot better. He’s a lot more understanding but, I still hide stuff, nothing bad…well kinda bad. I hide how bad my anxiety is but i do that with everyone not just him. But he doesn’t know that I’ve tried to commit suicide or that I’ve cut, and relapsed 2 weeks ago but haven’t since. He also doesn’t know how often i get anxiety attacks. He recently saw a small one but i labeled it as an asthma attack, which i get often. I got an anxiety attack because me and my friends, including him, wanted to climb this wall, but i have a pretty big fear of heights especially coming back down. So i started to get really scared before climbing it and hyperventilating and he actually took it very well. He didn’t freak out. He grabbed face, one hand per cheek and just looked me in he eyes and breathed with me.
I was happy with the way he took the attack but I’m still not ready to share more with him. There’s a lot of things he doesn’t know about me. But a lot of people don’t know me. Even my closest friends. It’s not that i don’t trust them it’s that everyone i know hasn’t been through what I’ve been through and i don’t want to scare them with what I’ve been through and i don’t want anymore generic responses, like “everything is okay” or “I’m glad you got through it.” I need something real someone to tell me what they really think i don’t want them to have a filter.
So me and my boyfriend have been dating for almost 6 months. He was over at my house on Thursday and we were fine, we watched movies, fooled around, we were just in each others company and loving it. Until we got in a small fight. He told me he says nothing he does is good enough and i tried to explain to him how much he means to me and i love everything he does for me. Then we made up and we were fine. Until he saw messages between me and an old friend and she was just asking questions about our relationship and she asked if i were in love with him and do i see myself being in love with him. I was truthful with her and told her no a the moment i’m not in love with him and as of right now i don’t see that happening for a long time. He saw those messages and he started asking questions like do i see a future with him and i do and he said he wasn’t sure if he could and he ended up breaking up with me and i was trying to be supportive about it cause i actually understood his reasons. After that he left but i called him to come back because i had recently went on vacation and i got him a gift and i told him if he wants it he has to come and get it cause i have no use for it. So when he came back we talked and i told him i take everything back i said. I told him i can’t support the breakup and that i wanted to be with him and i wanted to make it work and he thought about it as we were standing outside my house and agreed. He said he thinks we can make it work and we ended u getting back together. But in those 20 minutes that we were broken up i was crushed. And now every time he takes too long to respond or acts a little weird i get nervous that he’s thinking too much and takes back what he said even though eh keeps telling me he’s happy we got back together and he’s sorry for what he put me through. But it’s only been a few days and i still get nervous and i don’t know what to do to know for sure that we are completely okay and that he won’t change his mind again.
I don’t understand what love is…
I understand when other people are in love and I thought I’ve been in love before but I don’t think it was real. The first person I ever told “I love you” to cheated on me with our best friend. Then the next person I said it to, when we were breaking up he said “I don’t think I ever actually loved you”. Then the next person fell in love with her best friend and left me because she actually loved her.
I don’t understand what I could be doing wrong for no one to just actually love me. In my opinion I’m pretty awesome and I treat them like Prince’s and Princess’s but I guess it just isn’t good enough.