If I commit, they win
I am at the stage where after years & years & years of preparation I am ready to commit.. now it just feels like I don’t want to rush it.. like maybe there’s something I will enjoy so much that can lead me out of the world on a beautiful page or maybe an intellectual page..
I try to structure my life around this last day, yet I am always bending to someone else’s sadistic desires with goals of what exactly? To leave me miserable?
I guess this is strange for me because I feel so unhappy.. I should be “in a fuzz” about it. I’ve always thought maybe I’d like to go out while high on drugs because that makes things feel more beautiful than they are, and it makes you more capable of taking risks (if it’s a worthwhile risk than that is good, right?) but while waiting for that opportunity, the time just drags on and on. I guess drug use was pretty much a part of my identity, a part of my identity that is currently denied. Because we don’t see eye to eye, but how on earth would I prefer to see from a viewpoint I don’t agree with?
I am an experienced recreational drug user because I have been planning this day for some time. I guess the drugs do the trick to fill the void. If you don’t take scheduled drugs, you couldn’t believe how wholesomely they fill the void. Ready or not, the void is here, and most of my thoughts seem to be: “Is this feeling of solemnity only curable by illegal controlled substance consumption?”
It’s a contemptible waste of time. The soul has left the room, the spirits are diseased. How can they waste this one precious life so effectively? Not only am I laid to waste. Nothing interests me anymore. I used to enjoy expanding and testing my intellect, seeing how many scholarly novels I could read in a month and that would make me satisfied. I used to envision giant projects and feel apt at ease to complete them. Now I realize it really doesn’t matter because it’s all wrong, any way you have it, this life will always be wrong.
As I attempt to fill the shoes of someone I am not and snuff out the person I am. I can’t find her, I don’t know what they did to her. Well, I know what they did to her but I can’t accept that and try to block it out. (Starts with M – continues with URDE – ends with R) Maybe I should just forget her? Now I wait here grave as can be. In order to kill myself, I’d need the mood to be right, of course. Ohhhh, how wrong the mood can feel. With such detached interests and no place to call home, the mood becomes worse.
“If you could only feel how I feel!” The little people scream at me. “Why can’t you enjoy what I enjoy?!” They patronize. “Life is beautiful and there is pleasure to find in the simplest of things and pleasure is my favorite!!” The little people win every time.
I could wait around here forever and I’d still probably never get the mood right. A small town and the strangers grow uglier through the years. The weather is cold. I can’t drive and I don’t have a nice car. I don’t need a nice car to commit but being able to drive kind of makes or breaks the suicide. It can be an ugly death or a beautiful death. I don’t want to die an ugly death. Do I have a choice? Money doesn’t matter to me, but they are demanding it. Do they think I sh*t gold coins? I’ve never had anything of value. I sit on the toilet for 50 hours a week pushing as hard as I can hoping that gold nuggets will come out. I need my drugs. I don’t need you and I don’t need gold nuggets, but I need my drugs and I need to get the hell out of here.
Anyway the reason I come here is to ask, how are you coping, how do you imagine spending your last day were you to commit? I mean I could die right now without a second thought, but you’d think there must be a beautiful day beforehand? I can’t find a beautiful day and I can’t force one either. Hard to have a beautiful day when trapped in a basement.
Deby says: “Picture a mountain. Lofty Peak. Slope. Trees. Plateau. A beautiful, large mountain with a snow base.” You are beyond words in this meditation. But you still have words. “I hate this mountain.” – Not every one.
You are a mountain. You suddenly have no words. You change as a mountain within season, survival renders as light or as darkness. Our lives change, but the mountain remains amidst the universal web. The weather has no personality yet is as much invisible as the next galaxy.
“You are a beautiful blanket of seasonal colours.” You only live once. True/False?
You are a Tweaker. Bugs are crawling on your skin. Are you tripping, Man? Life is on my drug. The universe takes one with me. Mountains take a dump into a reservoir as I take mine with a grain of snow. I like the chemical brain.
The Bible. That is, the ability (capacity) to understand it.
Preston’s Pills. Phillip’s Almighty Cocaine Friday. The Beaten Bush. The Middle Path. The Grey Matter.
– Human life is 6,775 years –Beginning in 4717BC (YEAR 1 of Julian Day)
-25 March 5492 BC begin AD (ANMO MUNDI – “Year of Our Cord” (YEAR 1)
-23 October 4004 BC marks Day 1, on the calendars.
-So something that happened 4500 years ago happened in 2500 BC (Pyramids built)
-Today Nov. 4, 2018 is Julian Day 2,449,586 (6,711.2 Years of Julian Calender)
-Current population is 7.7 Billion
-Population growth is 1,143,281 people a year since the beginning of man est. 2018. (Current quota)
-Meaning 2,286,562 parent (i.e. Persons copulating a year -man & woman-)
when do WE want it? NOW.
-117 billion are said to be dead, Becoming that prior to 1900, we would have lost 100 years
-6,675 years total to have spawned 117 billion (Satan)
-Which equates to 17,528,089 (parents, I.e. persons copulating a year = 35,056,178) human born a year (of course that is retrospective as an average) therefore teetering off to 1, 143,281 as they are weak and transient and die as fast as you can snap your fingers.
Of course there is the equation of gradual growth and the multiplication factor assuming that it began with
Christ 4 BC
Adam 4004 BC
Seth 3874 BC
Enos 3769 BC
Cainan 3679 BC
Mahalalee 3609 BC
Jared 3544 BC
Enoc 3382 BC
Methuselah 3317 BC
Camech 3130 BC
2513 EXODUS OF JEWS (21 Jews)
Pangea – 200 million years ago
They still wonder about life having significance. I say try to look back to 4004 AD and you tell me what the hell happened then ..and why the hell is it still happening?
The universe is 4,543,000,000 years. Dinosaurs existed for 175,000,000 years – 68,000,000 years before human-kind. Whales have been around for 50,000,000 years around 2,000,000 whales and are bigger than dinosaurs.
I just wonder when and how did man build the solar system?
I didn’t feel good a while ago .. Like I couldn’t walk and anything .. I couldn’t breathe and I can’t really speak .. I have a pounding in my head, but now the temperature has cooled down and I’m starting to feel a little better..
I took a few drinks cause for the past few months I have been this way .. I can’t ease my suffering in any way.. hot and cold hot and cold .. up and down up and down.. I haven’t drank in some months and I may be overworked but I do it because I need out of my situation .. a town I hate so I work myself to the point where I feel like I am literally DYING .. my fingers were worked to the bones a few months back and I’ve started to take conscious care of my boo boos better .. it wouldn’t be this way it wouldn’t be this way in any other life in any other life .. when I sleep which is rare I get demon after demon, makes no sense to me
I have felt terrible for a while I don’t know if it just the work or if it is my situation.. I don’t know if it is better to work to reach my goals while turning into a melty brain drained and empty with my eyes popping out of my skull .. or give up the gig and revert to my previous ways ..
I think I felt better last year than this year I rather feel more under unbearable surveillance but last year I was unemployed and still drinking .. BUT I HAD NO STRESS IN MY HEART. I was feeling easier to breathe.. I still had nightmares but I was able to get over them because I was making PLANS..
Hopefully they don’t get the wrong impression, I mean .. Hopefully it is not seen for me to be alive crying out for help for a hero or Jesus .. Time is still going by very very slow.. If you’d ask me what day I think it is I’d tell you I think it is January or Febrauary.. wait actually my calendar fell off the wall and the pages got put in the garbage disposal. I have nothing to hold onto and I found myself afraid a little earlier thinking how I don’t even have one person who can ease my fears.. I was afraid well I was afraid because I don’t know
Life, this thing that I am living, started scaring me .. I feel less like I ought to each day .. I feel less like myself .. I used to be so happy carefree now no matter how I try to look on the bright side I still feel completely devoid of life force .. I keep thinking I look different. That theres something wrong with my appearance like I need to lose weight or change my hairstyles but I don’t think it’s my appearance but my feelings like I am being held hostage
sometimes I feel I can’t feel like or be myself because people are watching me ..
The only thing that provides me any amount of happiness is trying to act like my old self but that is all it is a big fat act… memories of my old self make me happy but now this act is basically a distraction, I am all WHERE IS SHE. WHO AM I NOW? I am nothing now literally I am basically dead
It seems to me there is no one around for millions of miles and I’m the only thing that was ever here to begin with
Are they not but walking talking corpses in a morgue brought to a rousal?
Maybe this is dark
I no longer know where I am to go
God has stopped visiting me
This is it for now
I will return with more information soon
I don’t know how much longer I have .. It has been 694 days.. since my attempt .. I don’t know how many more days I have left .. I can’t believe I survived 694 days hostage.. I thought I would be dead by now. Something keeps telling me to end it because it is still too far out of reach.. and it will still be bad then it will still be bad then
The art of the will.
What is beneficial for a young woman of no assets to leave behind. No healthcare, life insurance under biological parents.. I see a post on here of getting rid and cleaning your area beforehand to not leave a mess. How else to prepare.. I have thought it through but anything I may have missed?
How do they put the ‘Pretty Pictures’ behind your eyes??
Category: Night Terrors/Nightmares/Sleep Paralysis
To me, the images appear as slides underneath a microscope. Being inserted and then withdrawn. Here…place another. Some move like a theatre screen, others are just images. Never anything but dreadful, nonetheless.
The voice follows me home
And watches me sleep
It will wake me at inopportune times
To shout insults at me
It shouts that I am mental, schizophrenic, manic
When I am having an ok day
The voice will follow me into my dreams
And rape me
It shows me its sick pleasures
Laid out in imagery
To the point where I am sometimes
In sleep paralysis
The voice leaves me in tremors
The voice makes me harm myself
In ways I can’t repair
(The voice has forced me to attempt to break my own neck
I thought a broken neck killed you
I only fractured it and now I have a fucked up neck)
And harm the home I am staying in
The voice makes it so I can’t repair the damages the voice made me cause
The voice reminds me every time I look at the damage
The voice changes the shape of my goals
Until they are out of reach
The voice tells me my goals are sh*t
And I’ll never be able to reach them
I believe the voice
Every time I hear the voice or remember the voice
I reach for a cigarette to harm myself some more
But the voice cannot exist without me
The voice chose me when I was completely independent and self-assured
It decided it would take my fine life and wreck havoc on it
I can’t do a single damn thing
Without the voice watching
Telling me what I did was wrong
The voice likes to remind me how I was so beautiful and happy when it chose me
And how I have degenerated because of it
The voice likes to tease me by reminding me what it did to my body
I don’t do much anymore
Except cower in fear of the voice
But I hope to leave town and get the hell away
Either that or end my life
The voice cannot exist without me
And it wants to run me off the road
When I leave town
I don’t believe I would ever come back again…
Not for gold, not for anything
I’ll probably end up killing my self
Because you can’t run from a memory
500 miles from home and the voice would still follow my every move probably
It stores itself between my bones and in my muscles to use for its energy
It used to be my hopes and goal to leave, before
Now I know the joy will be sapped from me for an eternity more
I have seen others end their life and it wasn’t so bad. It really is for the best.
When the moment comes, as we know it will. Will you be fully prepared? I don’t mean that you said goodbye to loved ones and all, I mean prepared as in you felt it in your heart and soul that you were content with the fact that in the next moment or night you would no longer have life. No breath to breathe. Will you think about the newborns, the children, the teenagers and young folk? Will you understand the meaning of all this? Will you be able to come to some sensible comprehension of what has appeared in our perception? Will you believe in life and the source behind life? Will you be too afraid to find contentment? When strange symptoms strike and you run out of breath, will you be afraid of the pain and panic? My comprehension is minimal. There is too much I cannot understand of origins. I cant understand why we are alive. Why this universe formed. Why there are species, plants, planets, water, gases, fruits…..conscious! My most curious observation, is why is this here. Why am I apart of this? Why is LIFE. I understand the vastness of everything and which planets exist and how the bounders go on for light years but I can’t for the life of me understand why and when it formed. I can’t understand former man and prior species. I can’t understand why I need to be alive here. Not that that is the only important thing. I have one question, if you are on completing suicide now or whether you may in future or whether you will not complete suicide, when do you feel you will be ready (heart and soul) for the jump into the afterlife. Years, months, days, approximately how quick could you be ready if need be. To summarize the question, when will you be ready to fully depart life as you know it on earth?
Will you be able to bear the pain?
I don’t think I can.
So.. I’m living now in the middle of bumfuck nowhere. I can’t go outside during the day cause it’s freezing cold and there’s snow on the ground. If I need to leave during the night I can’t because it reaches 20 degrees. 35 degrees in day and 20 during nights. I really hate this state and my living situations. So I was looking on a rideshare website thinking I could get the hell out of dodge and I got offered a ride to San Diego after asking about going to Phoenix. Which I believe to be warm and sunny. 70 in the day and 52+ in the nights. I don’t know to take it because I was always warned against taking rides with truckers. I have a tent and small cash. I can get there and find a place to camp out. And live, I guess, how I always imagined I would live, homeless. California is a better place, I suppose? Where I live now is fruitless.
I’m just thinking cause I have nothing keeping me here besides toilet paper a roof and minimal nutrition. I have no friends, no work, no sports, no organizations I am apart of. I am also on a probation that I should not be on (and with how insane the police are in this state that is another thing that makes me want to get out of dodge – I want to leave and be forgotten – I do not want to be a part of this horseshit they have set me up for) I frequently prefer the homeless way, was thinking go homeless here but knew I couldn’t take off on foot in this weather. And you know, if you disappear no one can blackmail you into jail time or sick cops on you for their amusement.
However, I do not understand the law enforcement over there and how often street people will get checked by the police. If you do not carry ID is that cause for arrest? If you aren’t a citizen is that cause for arrest?
In my life, there has never been much time I can go without being policed. I frankly wonder why they don’t bother someone else.
I’m a little surprised I expected at least 4 people to be on here talking about how they were going to self-immolate today….
I guess it is pleasant (Well, that part is for the “you can get through it and get better. It is being a terrible person to say killing yourself is ok” type people)
I was thinking if anyone else were to come on here and say they were going to do it today and mean it honestly – I would do it as well. I’ve been waiting for a good time after I decided on overdosing any time 3 weeks ago.
Set a date, I suppose.
Again, I’m not looking forward to Christmas. Part of me thinks end it before the holiday. The other thinks finish my bands album and record it before.
If anyone wants to throw out a date I may do it on that day. Depending if I can get to work on my record and finish it beforehand. but I don’t want to rush it cause I want it to be good if I do it or I could just not do it and end my life without completing it… Eh. Might just end my life without completing it.
I died in the war in a past life. Personal life vs. public life. I am actually Martin Luther King Jr. and I was shot. Now I’m an Indian when the pilgrims came to infestate America. Now I’m a black man in slave times. Now I’m a woman who’s husband beats her every night. I actually died of dysentery on The Oregon Trail. I was a miner when the cove collapsed over my head. I died of Ebola in Africa. I was the first man with AIDs. I was the captain of the titanic and went down with the ship. Small Pox wiped out my brothers when I was a boy…. Grave’s disease got me years later. I was a Jew in Nazi Germany. Huricane Katrina struck and I died trapped underneath a roof. I was murdered by Ted Bundy. My car got hit by a train in a rural town. I drowned in the ocean. I tried to climb Mt. Everest and I died of hypothermia. Now I’m a cat and I was ran over by a truck. I am an innocent black man who was shot and killed by the police. I am young person who died from an energy drink overdose. I am a rockstar who died taking too many shots of Jim bean. I am Hemingway. I am Kurt Cobain. I am Jim Morrison. I am Jimi Hendrix. I am Janice Joplin. I am an unborn baby. I am a gay man that was killed in that gay bar shooting. I am a student at Columbine reading in the library. I am Cecil the Lion. I am JFK happily riding by the country and citizens I love in my cruiser. I am Francis Farmer. I am a victim at the Las Vegas Jason Aldean concert. Add if you feel the meaning. I am a victim from the Silk Road. I am a hooker whose pimp murdered. Someone was supposed to be watching me.