I feel like this year has broken me. First there was the suicide that I had mentioned earlier. Now, due to the coronavirus pandemic, school is cancelled and I’m certain I’ll never see my friends again who are seniors because I have no money to see them except when they are at school. I’ve sunken into a deep depression and just lay down crying and staring at the ceiling while staying home and cannot resist the urge to cut. I don’t want to self harm but I am so sick of people leaving in my life without me having a chance to say goodbye. So many people have died or disowned me and I feel like something inside me is fundamentally broken at this point. I don’t know how to let people in again when I know how easy it is to lose them. I don’t know how to function. I want to self harm so badly but I’ve been clean for a few weeks. I dont know what to do. There’s so much pain inside of me. I wish goodbyes didn’t occur. I wish people cared enough about me to return for me. I wish I wish I wish but I am powerless to do anything. I am not worth returning to.
Someone at my school who I didn’t even know committed suicide and I didn’t think it would affect me but it is. It’s just dredging up feelings and thoughts that I’ve had personally and the person just reminds me of me which sounds attention-seeking I know. Anyway it’s weird because it’s really put a pall over my day and I can’t stop thinking about it even though other people have moved on and I don’t know how.
I think I am bisexual, but I am not sure I am biromantic. I can’t see myself ending up with a girl for my entire life, but there was this one girl who I knew throughout high school that I’m coming to terms with liking. Is it normal to be bisexual but not want anyone you know to know? Like I’m not ashamed of it; I just don’t want anyone to treat me differently. Same reason I never told anyone about self harming.
How do you know if you’re bisexual?
Nobody believes in me where I am and I have no friends. People run into me and shove past me; I haven’t been invited to a single social gathering/event/party. I AM COMPLETELY FUCKING INVISIBLE and my anxiety is getting worse and worse. I hate this fucking school, I hate everybody around me, and I hate myself. I have so much pent up anger and sadness right now and I know now that it is never ever going to get better. Nobody will ever believe in me or love me. I’m so fucked up. How am I supposed to live like this? How am I supposed to live like this?!
Do you ever not know who is trustworthy and then you think, “Am I even trustworthy?” I just don’t know who to believe anymore, and I don’t know who is a “good” or trustworthy person.
If you look in the mirror and don’t see a single thing worthy of being loved, why would anyone else love you?
Why am I so terrified of intimacy (besides the obvious reasons like the 100s of scars on my thighs)? Does anyone else have to get drunk to be able to be close to someone else?
I thought maybe I was cured. Yes, I had lapses of joy and life and days that endlessly sucked, but I thought maybe the worst was behind me. I started to refer to myself (in secret) as someone who used to cut, who used to be depressed. I started to become comfortable with my body at the place I dance, even exposing my hundreds of scars. But then the dance year ended and everything hit me in an inescapable wave again. I am tired of fucking change. The people I trust, the ways I have grown in the dance place, all of that is gone now because I’m leaving it forever. I crave stability, and it’s the one thing that always escapes me. My chest physically hurts and I can’t stop crying. I’m going to cut myself soon I can’t help it. Thinking about going to college this fall (the one my parents wanted me to go to) fills me with dread and literally no excitement. I won’t really be able to dance there-the one thing that gives me positive body image, and fills me with life and hope. Sorry for rambling
Hi, everyone. I haven’t written in a very long time. Time to make a decision for my life, but nothing worked out the way I wanted it to. The school I’ve wanted to go to for years rejected me, and now I’m stuck because my parents want me to go to this one school but I won’t be able to study dance there which is the only thing that has staved off my depression. But the only place I got accepted where I can study dance you have to audition for and I missed the deadline so I’d have to wait a year and what if they didn’t accept me? And my parents would be so disappointed in me if I took a gap year. I feel lost, more so than I have in awhile. I’ve tried to stop cutting and actually been successful for a little while. Earlier this week, I had a relapse and cut myself though. Everything overwhelmed me and I just wanted to cut myself over and over like I used to. Also the only person who really believes in me is moving away really soon and every time I think about it I have a panic attack because I’ll probably never see them again. WHY AM I ALWAYS SAYING GOODBYE?? It’s so unfair! I’m tired of saying goodbye to everything and everyone that means anything to me!!! My heart is breaking over and over again in my stupid chest!
I’m behind in school because I literally cannot concentrate on anything. I’ve tried telling my parents for the last two years and it’s always “drink water and eat something” but it never works! I literally haven’t read a single book in a year. Does anyone have tips to be able to concentrate better? Also I got stabbing pains in my chest and stomach last night and was woozy because it hurt so much and I got panicked that I was having a heart attack any idea what this is? Could that be anxiety? Does anyone else get that?
This sounds really trite and stupid but nobody I know wanted to do something together today for Halloween. I was depressed today and spent the day in bed and then was hoping somebody would make my day better…My family usually does something fun for Halloween but we didn’t. I guess because it’s just me and not my siblings this year. I just feel really unwanted right now like I’m not good enough on my own to spend time with or do something for. Also because I have to initiate contact for anyone to talk to me and sometimes they don’t respond…just feeling really sad rn
So panicked lately. Is it bad that the only way I don’t feel panicked is massive denial? I find myself pushing everything away and pretending it doesn’t exist because the minute I let my mind wander I start to shut down and spiral into insanity. I won’t think about my depression. I won’t think about talking to my parents about deferring acceptances to college and if they’ll hate me because of it or it won’t work out. I refuse to think about the fact that I can’t feel anything and when I can feel something it’s a gaping hole and sense of dread in my chest and picturing me killing myself over and over again . When I’m in complete denial, sometimes I’m actually ok. But is that good?
So depressed right now I can’t even sit up. I’m been eating very little each day-my dad yelled at me yesterday because of it-because I have no appetite. I’ll start eating something and get nauseous or not have the energy to finish it. I had nightmares last night that I went to college and was completely lost and miserable and needed to kill myself. I’ve made friends at my dance place but they haven’t exchanged numbers or asked to hang out outside of dance-does that mean they don’t really like me?
I’m applying to colleges but I’m having a dilemma because I’m only 16 and I don’t feel ready for college and I now have my dance community and this is the first place that I’ve ever belonged and I don’t want to have to say goodbye just yet and wish I had another year to improve my dancing. But I probably can’t take a gap year because I feel so much pressure because I’m the “smartest” and most “mature” and my family expects me to be like that and taking a gap year can hurt your financial aid I think…Somebody help please! This is plaguing me.
I was kicked out of one of my dance classes because I didn’t finish the combination across the floor and was then snippy with the teacher because I was on the verge of crying and hyperventilating and refused to finish it. I then went to the bathroom and ended up crying and hyperventilating. God!!! What the FUCK is wrong with me? How will I ever be able to show my face there again? I love that teacher and now she hates me because she doesn’t get why I was like that. Just another person on the long list that I’m a massive disapppointment to, I guess. Just thinking about seeing her again tonight makes me want to throw up. Should I pretend to be sick and not go today? (I apologized but of course it didn’t matter)
Don’t you hate when people pull the other-people-have-suffered-more-and-had-a-positive-takeaway crap? Like don’t compare people’s suffering and their takeaways like it’s a fucking scale!
The person I’m very close to moved away. I’m so depressed. I have no one. I’m too depressed to even eat. Everything tastes like ash in my mouth. My dad lied. He said he’d get me help. He never did. Whatever. Probably nothing would help me anyway.
I know I’m a horrible person for saying this, but someone I know said they were experiencing “depression” from a medicine: “I had no motivation for the last months.” No. depression is: not having the motivation to get up each and every day, no motivation to eat/shower/live, days spent in bed, every night crying yourself to sleep, 50 cuts a leg to feel better, thinking about suicide every single fucking day. But everybody cares about her problems more than mine. I told my dad I sometimes have bad headaches where I have to lie in the dark and not do anything and he’s just like sorry take some meds. This person says she has headaches and my dad is like you probably have migraines and then everybody is like ohmigod I’m soooo sorry. I’m sorry for the rant; it’s just so frustrating that nobody gets the scale of my problems. Maybe just because I’m better at hiding how I feel and she shares every little fucking thing. On a different note, I keep on having a harder and harder time falling asleep and any time I’m around people I need to escape/hide and I get very panicky-even in a store. Is this social anxiety? It’s gotten a lot worse over the last few months.
I’m trying to stop cutting so the cuts don’t show through my dance tights but it’s so hard and it’s only been like a week and a half! The only thing I can think about for the last two nights is killing myself-which hasn’t happened to me in a little bit. God, I feel so dead inside. I don’t know what to do. 🙁