apparently I am still not in tune enough with my own body. I’ve lived in it for 31 years and I still misread feelings and symptoms. It’s kind of pitiful.
I am feeling really fed up today, and defeated… like I can’t handle my reality at the moment.
Maybe I’m just tired.
(My comments keep going right to trash so I’ve made a post to respond to you)
You’re not fucked up, you’ve dealt with fucked up things, but YOU are not fucked up. It makes sense to me that there are times you just really don’t feel right. I can relate to that, I’ve had plenty of times where all I can say is that “I don’t feel right” when trying to explain what’s wrong with me. Sometimes my thoughts and memories attack me, other times I am so horribly “off” that it feels like I’m living a parody of my life. Or like I’m the focal point of some giant inside joke that everyone knows about but me. Then of course there is the empty/disconnected feeling.
All that shittiness aside, there are still things I like about life. There are people I love, and places I want to see.
I remember you said that you enjoyed traveling, could you maybe start planning another trip? At least it’s something in the near future, and somewhere for you to point your thoughts and energy that is positive. How do you feel about your job? Do you mind it— if so, maybe a new job could be a good thing? What about moving away? Would a change of location maybe help revitalize you?
I don’t know, I understand how it feels to be exhausted by the idea of “life-like” things, but I think it’d be a shame if you let go. I want you to stick around for things to get better.
How do you feel about your therapist? Can you talk openly with her?