i have been trying to understand why am i such a bitter, lonely, negative and so miserably hopeless – trying to understand why and when did i get like that.. the first thing that i think crushed me was being rejected at a young age and equally so the fear of being rejected in the future – it stayed with me all of my life. funny thing is when i was a teenager i had some good friends but as i became more and more depressed all of my fair weather friends shunned me as if i had leprosy or something. i always came to […]
i don’t know why i’m writing here. there is no hope for me. none.
i’ve been contemplating suicide for many years but never had the guts nor the impulsivity needed to do it. all i hope in life is for death to arrive swiftly and painlessly if possible. i plan on jumping from a high building but my brain is so foggy i might not gain access so easily as i thought i would so plan B is the good old hanging, wish i could jump hang myself but i’ll probably fuck it up. i am really afraid of just damaging myself, i especially fear brain […]
today is a very fucking hard day for me and for no apparent reason.
i’m so angry. so lonely and so damn miserable. i just want to make my hurt known.
to feel not so alone. i cant see no light and my life is so dark and small. i feel like cussing and making people hurt but i’m always so considerate and gentle. i feel so suicidal, so violent inside, though i had only one violent outburst in all my life and it was 20 years ago and i was heavily drunk and depressed. i wish i was homicidal rather than suicidal. i want this violence […]
while within the whirlwind the pain was so immense i sought peace and quiet –
even that of a grave i thought for no logic alternative came to mind…
now as the storm has died down i gather all the remaining bits and pieces –
and as usual i lose some every time.
now indifferent to the lost i automatically try to piece it all together –
that it will somehow resemble a human being, a man.
trying to make this man shaped thing look like what i once was,
just the appearance will do, i guess..
this glued together pieces aren’t too bad, i think but hardly my best work –
the beard […]
greetings my fellow desperadoes!
as usual i try to post here everyday and must admit i feel at home. no judgment and most importantly i feel welcomed and safe like no other place\space. today i was very manic almost to the point of total idiocy.
the most powerful trigger for me is sleep deprivation and today was the day i just went berserk after not sleeping almost three days due to anxiety and fear of nightmares (i know it sounds stupid but its true). this last week im having car trouble and switched garages after they tore me a new one and made more damage saying its […]
for the last couple of days i post here, in this site and although im very much depressed and suicidal i must admit that writing helps, even if its lost in the cyberspace moments later, the pressure seems to lessen for a small amount of time.
this time around (being suicidal with plans and almost a definite date, that is) the urge is a lot stronger than before. the miserable time im having all this years is accumulating and gathering inside me, it really freaks me out because i might really take action and although i know life is shit and its gonna get a lot […]
almost crying but cant, i feel the tears inside my eyes but wont release them.
anger building up inside me without an outlet, charging me with darkness and dread.
feels like i reek of desperation and just cant wash away the stench.
im all decayed inside and this urge… this malevolent urge to hurt myself extremely –
to obliterate myself and to be done with this… this twisted existence is immense.
theres always this hellish day and another day and another and another without any mercy..
pain, filled to the brim with it. hate it but cant give it up – its all i got.
detached, alone, incapable of coping or coming […]
i am afraid and full of fear.
I’ve always been suicidal it was a matter of solace to me – the knowledge that i can always quit, always can press the off button was comforting and gave me a sense of control (a tiny bit that is) over my life..
lately those thoughts of suicide are far too intense to be of any comfort. i think it started with the COVID outbreak and the surreal, almost unbelievable sense of loneliness and isolation. in the past 2 months i’ve been having a lot of suicidal thoughts that comes from the most trivial and common stress or anxiety, for […]
some say it helps to write stuff.
it does actually helps but not nearly enough. my life are so small and insignificant. i’m 37 and accomplished nearly nothing, i don’t care for society things like a diploma or success but about.. i don’t really know. maybe not contemplating suicide everyday, not feeling trapped in a nightmare. small stuff i guess.. fuck me. fuck my drug use and hatred. i am the explosive kind that keeps all the hurt, the humiliation and hatred inside until something ignites and i explode or maybe implode. i am a big and gentle guy mostly but when years of pain doesn’t […]
It’s one of those terrible days of realizing nothing’s gonna change to the better. i’m tired of trying to belong.
I have the feeling i’m not human or maybe the only human in hell. surrounded by robots swiping and tapping on screens blissfully, oblivious to the world around them. i envy and pity them at the same time. this world is not mine, i have no part or role to play here. detached and alone, an invisible ghost waiting for something that will never come, waiting for the train in an old, abandoned station. it’s just me and no one else. i just want out.
i’m 37, lives with my mother. i’m addicted to buprenorphin (substitute for heroin) and crack.
i work half time in a office as an IT. when i get back from work all i do is watch movies and tv shows on my pc.
i stay up all night. i want out already. i cant cry. i cant get myself to open up and talk about my dreary existence. ppl loves me for some reason, i try to be nice and i know i am attentive and sensitive to others. its so weird, its like the opposite of how i treat myself.
its not like wanting to die, its […]