Eveything in my life is falling apart and I can’t feel it because of fucking antidepressants.
I want to end it but I don’t feel it.
I want to cut my wrists but my body doesn’t.
I can’t even cry- it’s like I’m trapped.
I haven’t been on this page for six months. I guess you can say things were going better and yes, I’ve had some good times. I’ve traveled, I have a boyfriend now, my meds have been working, my relationship with my family is ok… But there’s always a catch.
So here’s the real adult problems that we have to face and people can see: big decisions ahead (I need to get a Masters degree and money is a real issue), I have to a get a better job, make my relationship work or finding a new one.
And then there is the pain that we go through and don’t tell almost anyone: feeling lonely and lost in my relationship, missing motivation in work, not finding the strength to come near my decision-making.
Anxiety is running wilder in head as time passes by. I want to break up with him but then I don’t. I wanna move again and start all over but then I remember it’s not that easy. I need to get into a good school but I feel overwhelmed and nervous that I won’t get in.
Luckily (or not?) I’m not having suicidal thoughts and that might be because of my meds but I still feel the weight on my shoulders and the urge of giving up.
..two months into antidepressants and I am feeling so much better. I having a really good and fun time meeting new people and readjusting things I wasn’t comfortable with before. I am planning a trip overseas and I am genuinely EXCITED but….when is the other shoe going to drop?
I still have all of you at the back of my mind. I think of each person who is going through a struggle and posts here hoping someone will notice. I wish you all find the right combination of therapy and medication and get better.
I miss my friend Unknownsoldier. I haven’t heard from him in a while. If you’re out there reading this: I miss you and I hope you’re doing fine.
Will you come home and stop this pain tonight?
I miss you.
Three weeks into antidepressants and met someone amazing.
It was all sunshine for a moment there but then it poured.
He told me he was moving away, wasn’t looking for anything serious and that he enjoyed being single. Running on low expectation all over again. I had to push him away since I was already having feelings for him and yeap that’s insane because we’ve only been dating for like a month. I guess people like us get attached too easily to any slight sign of happiness and when it goes away it feels like our world comes crumbling down. I haven’t stopped crying, can’t get out of bed since we had that talk. I’m back to square one.
I’m seriously running out of energy and this is my cry for help. I think each day I’m getting closer to commiting suicide. I’d rather do it than hitting my 30s without accomplishing anything, being a failure to my family and having this constant feeling of despair and emptiness.
Dirty tissues, trust issues.
STOP THE BLEEDING.
So, today is oficially the last day without meds. I’ve been on so many things throughout my life that I can’t recall all the SSRI’s names I’ve taken but for the last 2 and 1/2 years I’ve been off everything. Lately, things have gotten so bad I decided to give it a shot since solely therapy stopped working altogether.
I don’t know how to feel about it. I’m not excited either, just going with the flow and it brought me to this point.
I still believe it is easier to just drop everything and die but something inside of me is telling me to give this a try.
I know the effects can change a lot depending on the people but I wanted to ask you:
Do you feel better on antidepressants?
We’ll see how my reaction will be.
So here I am again. Same old lame things. Depression, anxiety. But this week I’ve had a very special guest in my life: rejection.
It’s not that we hadn’t met before. Oh no, we’ve always been pretty close. But this week we really connected.
Being the weirdo doesn’t really get along with depression and anxiety. Specially when you’re the only girl at work who wasn’t invited to the farewell party. Feeling 15? Well I am 25 and this is still hitting hard.
Friend stood me up and made it pretty clear that she doesn’t really care about me.
Crush has been making my life even more miserable for the 4 1/2 years since I met him.
My professional life is doomed, I don’t see myself accomplishing big things or having big promotions. I am mediocre and that is a fact. I’ll never be outstanding and no one expects me to be.
But living in a world so competitive, seeing my brothers do all these amazing things and being in steady relationships makes me question if a gene didn’t work for me the way it did for them.
Anyway, is not that they care about me.
Maybe they’ll cry when I do it. When I kill myself.
And maybe…that’ll be my biggest accomplishment.
That somehow the day will come and you will eventually do it.
It doesn’t matter if you’re having a good couple of days or months. Or even years. It always comes back: the urge of ripping your skin out.
Of wanting to cut your wrist and just bleed yourself to death.
Of finally opening up that bottle of Vodka and mix it with all the benzos you’ve been storing.
It will come for all of us. Someday.
We will never be fine until we’re not here anymore.
That’s our fate and I crave for it more than anything else.
This is my first time writing here. I have read so many comments on the past few months and always wonder if those people are really gone now.
Finally I feel like I belong somewhere, I guess. Been lying all day in bed with absolutely no strength to get up and just crying.
We rock, guys….
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