I traced the outline in the back of a journal. Beneath that, I wrote, “Never again”. I feel like it’s a lie. It’s terrifying knowing that I have control over what is about to happen and I do it anyway. I haven’t felt this way in two weeks. I think the truth is that I felt like I wouldn’t do it again because I could still feel the pain from the last time. In reality, I don’t think it’s about pain at all. I know it’s all temporary which leaves me with the idea of being in control. I like to see what happens in the aftermath. I’ve found that no one cares or no one is looking hard enough. Maybe I just really like the color red.
I’ve never done this before. The blog thing. I’m here because a friend of mine was on here a couple years ago and told me about it. I’ve read all of their posts and some of them tell about how I “saved” them. How ironic that I’m here now writing my own story. Recently I told a friend what I’ve been doing and they told me to find a hobby to help me stop. I know they’re right because they’ve been through the same thing and that’s what helped them. I tried coloring and playing online games. The games seem to help but not enough. I can’t seem to stop the bad thoughts. I just want someone to talk to that understands. My friend said I could call them if I ever needed but, I can’t call them at 10 pm every other night when I know they’re busy. I don’t want to be a burden.