No one cares until you’re gone
I hate it when someone who was previously “suicidal” says that suicide is selfish. Because, if you’ve ever been in that mindset, then you know that it isn’t selfish. You can’t just forget wanting to end your life. It’s preserved forever in your mind. No, you don’t just forget that feeling. And why would anyone say that anyway? Why would you ever insult someone who is at this point? You would never tell someone with cancer anything like that. Why is there so much negative stigma surrounding this?
Tell me, did it hurt even a little, when you looked into my eyes and saw all the broken pieces?
No one saw her the way she truly was until she jumped.
I suppose a fire that burns that bright is not meant to last.
-Allegiant
Would you come to my funeral? What thoughts would go through your head as you gazed at my cold, pale body? Would you feel bad about everything that you did? Would you miss me, years later when you’re married and have a family of your own, would you even remember my name? Would you cry for me? Do you miss me at all? Is there ever a piece of you that wishes you hadn’t made the decision to cut me out, freeze me out of your life? Will my name ever drift into your mind, years from now? Will you even know why?
Lately I’ve been getting a lot closer to suicide than I have been in a while. I’m between the three methods that I have access to: hanging, slitting my wrists, and ODing. The thing is, I don’t know if any of these methods have a very high chance of succeeding. But they are the only methods available to me. I don’t know what to do.
For anyone who has attempted with overdose, I was thinking about OD’ing on my antidepressants. How does it feel, is it very painful?
Damnit. Why do I do this to myself? Why do I let myself hope and think that it’s going to be ok? How do other people handle it? How do they just move on from people, how do they keep breathing and living and laughing? I need serious help, because it’s clear that I’m not getting better. And I don’t know what to do. I’m scared.
Most days, I don’t think I’m addicted to cutting. I can get by without it, but then sometimes, I can’t breathe or think until I let the blood flow. Does anyone else feel like that? We don’t have enough alcohol in our house for me to have an addiction (my mom only drinks wine) but I never want to hang out with my friends unless we can drink or smoke.
Miss the days when becoming this fucked up seemed impossible and suicide and death were just foreign concepts. Never would have thought it would’ve ended up like this
I found out something. And I’m so scared of how it will affect me when I’m sober. I’m so scared to feel that way, and I know that once I’m sober the full weight of it is going to hit me. I’m terrified, I don’t know how to make the pain stop, and its only just begun. How do people do it? How do they just move on? I can’t and I’m so scared of myself. Because how will I handle this? The answer- I can’t. I won’t. I’m so terrified.
I was in love with you! I’m still in love with you. I can’t get over you. And I lost all of your words. I kept them, because they were the one piece of you that I still had. But I lost them! You know, when I found out, I got so close, but my family was home and I couldn’t do it. They were home, they would have found me before I died. And now everything from you is gone. I love you, but you’re gone. Even your words, which made me forget about all of my shit, are gone now. Please, can’t you see that I’m dying?
and I guess that’s just what hope is. Just an emotion we cling to when we’re in denial about the shit going on around us. Just something to delay the grief. Because hope raises you from rock bottom, but it always ends up dropping you. And the landing hurts so much more since you’ve seen what its like to float. And falling’s all about the landing. Its about hitting the ground, hard. Its only pain.
how is it possible that one person can break you so thoroughly?
What do you think happens after you die?
I don’t know, maybe one day this pain will be useful to me. That’s what they tell me anyways. But in reality… not all pain is useful. Not all endings are happy. Not all goodbye’s are “good”. This one certainly wasn’t. Because you’re okay. And I’m broken. And I miss you.
I need you in my life right now, but you don’t want to be here. But, I can’t blame you; I don’t want to be in my life either.
And I see you when I close my eyes. I see the sparkling of your blue eyes, I hear your laugh. I see all of the happiness that could have been mine at one point.
And you’re fine. Thats what really hurts. That you don’t even miss me. You don’t care. Did you know the effect you have on me? Did you know that it burns to see you everyday? See you laughing, see that you are totally over me, no scars left to show.
Did you know that every time we make eye contact and you look away, another piece of me dies? Did you know that I’m barely breathing, wondering how I’m still alive?
No, and I guess there’s no way for you to know. I wish you knew though. Maybe then you would be more careful of my shattered heart.
But I doubt you would. You don’t want to cut yourself on one of the broken pieces.
People never realize how much they can hurt others. They don’t think that they’re powerful enough to break someone. But you never know how broken that person is, and two simple words can shatter them completely. Everyone is so selfish and scared that they never realize that other people have feelings. I’m not excluded from this- my best friend was anorexic and I didn’t even know. But we don’t realize the power words and actions have. Words can always hurt me.
It’s not my destiny, to be the one that you will lay with.
So many reasons why, I have to go but want to stay here.
Sometimes I want a taste, but then I don’t know what I’m saying.
You are the angel, and I am the one who is praying.
dear R,
i’m sorry. i can’t give up on us. i can’t stop thinking of you. i need you, i miss you, don’t give up on me. please, i need you. i don’t think i’ll ever be happy without you. please, come back. i’m sorry, but please stop ignoring me. please stop hurting me. i’m so hurt and i can’t breathe. please talk to me. what if i never find love? what if you’re all i have? what if no one ever loves me the way i love them? we could have made it. but you gave up. you loved me the way i love you. but you don’t anymore. why? you saw potential where others saw flaws. you saw a puzzle where others saw broken fragments.
i love the passion in your eyes. you would tell me about what you loved, and it made me love you. i remember that night, after my game, i remember looking in your eyes. you were smiling down at me. you were proud of me, proud to call me yours. your eyes lit up looking down at me, the way they did when you talked about your passions. you looked so happy that night, and i felt so happy that night. i miss you. i remember talking to you, and sometimes you would just start smiling. you would look at me when i wasn’t looking at you. you looked at me like i was beautiful. like you were so happy because you knew that you could have me. please don’t let me go, please. i need you. i need that happiness and passion in your eyes. i need to know that someone in my life has that life in their eyes. please, don’t give up on me. i need you, please, don’t leave.
sincerely,
a
How could you know?
You had to stay away, didn’t want to get burned
By the girl of flames.
But, how could you know?
That she tried to change, change for you,
the flickering girl.
And, how could you know?
know that she was already so broken, so blue,
blazing, beautiful, bright.
Well, you couldn’t have known.
It would take so long, so long to fix her,
she’ll rise from the ashes.
But you couldn’t have known.
About the deep scars that line her skin,
the girl who burns.
And you couldn’t have known.
How the tears have shattered her smile, her eyes,
don’t let her fade away.
You couldn’t have known.
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