im fed up. i cant kill myself and ironically that makes me want to do it more. im fat and ugly and horrible and useless and this whole fucking world would be better off if i was fuckibng dead.
once again, sitting here patheticly writing about what im doing, hoping that someone will try to stop me, but knowing that i’ll just get mad at anyone who does. so i sit here again. with my blade. cutting my own flesh to the point of blood.
i want to so bad 🙁 but im scared. i live in such a world of fear, i want peace. i want a break. so why the hell cant i just do it.
i hate this constant battle in my head. i wish i could just do it :'( im such a coward.
ive ruined everything. goodbye.
ive stopped cutting. but i want to start again. help?
its bad when you go to sleep thinking “maybe i wont wake up tomorrow” its worse when you wake up and think “fuck, im still alive.”
life sucks and id like to convineiently die in my sleep. it would be lovely.
im about to kill myself. i dont wanna leave my dad with a bloody traumatic mess. can someone please tell me a good drug to overdose on? i just want him to find me in a non gorey way.
DO NOT LECTURE ME ABOUT GOD. GOD IS A LIE AND HE IS DEAD TO ME. DO NOT LECTURE ME ABOUT “LIVING A HAPPY LIFE” AND “GETTING BETTER” BECAUSE IT ISNT GOING TO HAPPEN. I WANT PEOPLE WHO SUPPORT MY DECISION TO DIE. THANK YOU!
WHY THE FUCK AM I THE STUPID ***** WHO ALWAYS THINKS SHE CAN TRUST SOMEONE!!!!! I ALWAYS GET FUCKED OVER! FUCK THIS WORLD! IM LEAVING!!!!!!!!!!!! IM FUCKING DONE WITH THIS SHIT!!!!!
my ideal death would be out in a beautiful field full of tall green green grass, i would take out my razor blade, lay down, cut my wrists, and enjoy the warm fresh breeze as i slowly bled out, going from a beautiful scene, to a beautiful death and freedom, i dont like how cruel this world is. there is very little that i find beautiful, but a huge green empty field is one of the few things, and i would love to live my last moments somewhere that wasnt horrid.
just a thought, dont people always tell everyone to “listen to your heart” or “do what you wanna do” or “do what is going to make you happy” what about for those of us whose hearts scream for death, we want to die, and we’d be happier dead, why do these things we are told not apply then?
i dont want people to try to make me feel better right now. i just feel like typing. im ready for things to get better, im depressed, lonely, a cutter, suicidal, bulimic,fat,and have no self esteem. i feel like theres only one escape.
all in good time
all in good measure
all in pursuit
of the perfect endevor
the perfect endevor
the blade to the skin
the much needed feeling
of how it bites in
how it bites in
better feelings arent missed
its the incontent human’s
method of bliss
i wrote this while i was in a “treatment center” for adolocents. i was there for about a week. even after being “treated” i still feel this way. i write alot of poetry but this is by far my favorite that ive ever written.
im done bitching about my life for now. i just need to vent. im not looking for pity or “salvation” just a place to let it out. i would appreciate if you didnt leave rude comments. when i was 4, my parents seperated i had no clue what was going on all i knew was that my mommy and daddy were fighting all the time. i knew i was being fought over. i heard my name and my brothers name shouted constantly. my brother and i were dragged around through numerous custody fights and eventually they settled on joint custody. as some of you may know. this is very hard on a child. growing up i never really had the sense of “home” i never had a point of stability so i grew up confused about why my life wasnt like other kids lives. i would invite my friends over and they either said “im busy with my family” or “i dont really want to go to your house, *insert name here* said it wasnt that much fun” from third to fifth grade i was the teasing point of my elementary school. ive never been as heavy as i depict myself but i think i am because of the abuse i took as a child. i had nicknames such as piggy, bacon bits, and people would oink and/or moo as i walked by. if i tried to play with kids on the playground, they would usually run and play somewhere else as i approached. i would get bribes from kids saying “hey if you let me copy off your paper for the rest of the year i’ll stop calling you names” and i would. but once i realized that it was wrong i went to the teachers. i was the kid who knew when something wasnt right and wanted to make it right and do the good thing by making it right and telling someone. so then i aquired a new nickname. “snitch” at this point i became very close with my school guidance counselor, through all of this i was very close to my mother and i was a mommas girl. i loved nothing more than to see my mom and spend time with her. i would be hurt when she would fuss at me for wanting to play or talk to her when she was busy. but i was used to this, i never noticed that she should have been spending more time with me. once i got to 6th grade, i was amazed because i had friends. people were inviting me to their houses and asking me if they could come to my house. i had people who wanted to get to know me. so as id come home crying almost every day for the 3 years previous my mom wasnt used to me being on the phone and away from home all the time on her weeks. so she started getting posesive, if i was on the phone she would yell at me. if i tried to go somewhere she would yell at me. through all of this i never got much positive attention because my dad loved me, but spent most of his time trying to be the “favorite” by buying me things as apposed to spending time with me. skip forward a few years. my mom is an alcoholic now, bi-polar, manic depressive, politically over-whelming she is a very strong, opposing personality and as i said before i was verbally abused for years without even knowing it. while i went through my awkward pre teen years it was always “take of that makeup” or “no you can NOT shave your legs” and ” you cant wear a bra!” and “go wash of that perfume you smell like a french whore” and “those pants are to tight they squeeze all your fat out” and as i got older i put on alittle weight and we stopped talking for a period of time so she didnt know. i went to see her one weekend and as usual it was ” youve put on weight” she brought this up 5 times through out 2 days and my friend was there to let me know it wasnt all in my head so one time she said it and i fought back. i screamed “WHY AM I NEVER GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU?!” and she responded by yelling back. telling me to just go back to my dads house. so at 11:30 at night my best friend (who has been a life saver to me for 5 years now) drove me the 45 minutes back to my dads house while i was crying and pitiful. over time there were a few texts between me and my mom here and there but never much. she texted me before the holidays telling me not to come see her on thanksgiving or christmas. i texted back saying “i have alot going on, please dont guilt trip me anymore(shes famous for these, and at this point i was depressed, suicidal, and cutting myself and she didnt know) so she fueled that. right before christmas i texted her saying that i still loved her and cared for her and said please dont hate me and the last thing i have heard from my mother was that night when she said “you cant hate someone you dont know” that cut me deeper than i thought possible. before she said all this i was put in a psychiatric treatment center for severe depression and suicidal thoughts and actions, she knew i was there and never once called or mailed or anything, though she had the number and address. so i got out and thought the depression was better because of the medicine. i stopped cutting for three weeks and now im back to it. the depression is raging again and i am boarder-line suicidal once again. this is just the venting of my pathetic life to this point. i apolagize if you wasted your time reading my sob-story.
i have to make one last comment. i owe my life to 4 main people. there are others but these 4 people are the majority of the reason im still alive. if it werent for them i would have gone through with my plan. my boyfriend of almost year who i love. my best friend of 5 years who will always be my closest ali, my daddy who throughout all my life has constantly been improving as a parent and is now amazing to me, and my amazing brother who listens to me ***** and moan about all the things i can say to my dad and still says “i love you em” at the end of it all. I thank you 4 for my life. and i hope you’re enough to keep me around.